Monday, April 23, 2012
It seems all I can do is repeat the same crappy horrible cycle over and over and over again. I get motivated, I feel like a rockstar ... something sets me off (roommate, news from an ex, someone skinny and gorgeous getting attention and me getting the door slammed in my face, etc). Then I find myself eating again. And I can *tell* my body isn't liking this cycle.
and I'll be honest I hate writing these blogs. I hate feeling like this. I sit here being swallowed by guilt and self loathing and I'm so ASHAMED that I've let myself get back here. Yet with all these bad feelings, my own two feet walk themselves to the store and buy my trigger foods.
So I don't talk to anyone anymore. I'm not interesting. I have nothing supportive to say. I can't even motivate myself... how the F am I going to motivate anyone else? I just have "whine whine whine I'm a weak baby poor me wahh wahh". That's pretty much what my (sparse) blogs have felt like.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. Why can I not get my sh*t together?
So here we go. I'm going to try again. and again. and again. Thankfully I'm stubborn. Sometimes that helps more than hurts but... I can keep trying.
I'm looking at my goals for 2011:
*run my first HM - nope.
* complete another triathlon. ... -nope
* go to Italy! ... -nope
* be brave enough to spend an entire day at the beach in a bathing suit (no cover up). Ish. I suppose. I just pretend no one can see me. It works. Mostly.
I need to find a way to fix this. I can't spend another year gaining weigh back. I don't want to stay at this weight either. I need to find SOMETHING that clicks in my brain.
I'm really gonna have to dig to find it.