Sunday, April 22, 2012
I'm a person who scrutinizes just about everything. To put this into perspective, I'm the one who reads the fine print on life insurance policies, shampoo bottles and junk mail. I tend to scrutinize myself, too, in the mirror, and I tend to scrutinize my beliefs, my morals and ethics from time-to-time as well. I'm just hard-wired that way. I remember being a little girl and wondering why Barbie wasn't anatomically correct and it just bugged the CRAP out of me. (You should have seen me when I got my first KEN. I went ballistic. Mom had to take him away from me for awhile so I could calm down.)
Maybe that's why I look at my reflection and notice every bump and curvature. Not out of vanity but just curiosity. Why does my nose curve that way? Why do my eyebrows get sparse in some areas and thick in others? It's not as bad as it used to be. I've accepted my figure, my thick bottom and love handles, as part of me. Now, I'm looking more into the INSIDE and wondering why I have certain thoughts and feelings. Wondering why some things bother me more so than others now. I've gained some wisdom during my 43 years on this earth and I've noticed I've been questioning how I want to be remembered when I leave from here. I know, it sounds morbid in some aspects, but I really want to be remembered as someone who had "it" all together and who truly deeply cared about those around me.
But some days are more difficult than others to just feel comfortable with who I am. Some days I have less patience with those around me. Some days I want to grab that guy who is yelling at his kid in the middle of the store by the shoulders and say, "Ya know? That baby is going to remember that for the rest of his life and you are damaging him, somehow, someway, and I don't like you for that!" I want to get mad at the world for its selfishness. Some days I just don't feel comfortable BEING in this place. I don't measure up to its perfectionistic ways. I'm not a super model. I'm not a scientist. I don't make enough money to have three pools and a Rolls Royce on my 32-acre perfectly coiffed property. I am just me.
One who is just looking forward to going Home.
Maybe we all start feeling that way once we get to a certain point in our lives. Maybe some sooner than others. I have YET to find something that makes me want to stick around in this world FOREVER. Yes, I want to be here as long as I possibly can for my kids and grandkids, but eventually I just want to go Home and rest. I long for it. To snuggle deep into the arms of my Lord and feel his unconditional love for my soul BIG TIME. I know He loves me now and that He is watching over me, yes. But to be There and actually have those Arms around me and feeling His smile upon my face??? Ohh, yes, that is going to be a wondrous day. :)
I've been that person who had to have everything perfect and still do to some extent. But I've grown to realize, at the end of the day, what I've said to someone matters the most. What I've done for someone matters the most. Smiling at someone or not smiling at someone mattered the most. And if I didn't, while I was wrapped up in my own personal problem of the day, well, it bothers me. What if they needed that from someone, from anyone, to validate that they mattered to someone, to anyone, because they were possibly having the worst day of their lives??
So at the end of the day, I've scrutinized my actions. I've scrutinized what I did and did not do. And some days I fall miserably short. Then I remind myself I am human; but as long as I keep TRYING, as long as I keep STRIVING, then I will LEARN to be better. I may never be comfortable in my own skin but perhaps I'm not supposed to be. I SHOULDN'T be comfortable in this world. Because if I am, then I have nothing to STRIVE FOR, nothing to look forward to on the Other Side...
I don't care if my nose goes to one side more than the other.
I just want to be beautiful in God's eyes.
And I just want others to realize they are beautiful as well. Because they ARE. YOU are...no matter what size you are. No matter. At all.
Sooo, let me scrutinize. For this is MY path to Home.