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    STEELKICKIN   31,587
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I Am Who I Am

Sunday, April 22, 2012

I'm a person who scrutinizes just about everything. To put this into perspective, I'm the one who reads the fine print on life insurance policies, shampoo bottles and junk mail. I tend to scrutinize myself, too, in the mirror, and I tend to scrutinize my beliefs, my morals and ethics from time-to-time as well. I'm just hard-wired that way. I remember being a little girl and wondering why Barbie wasn't anatomically correct and it just bugged the CRAP out of me. (You should have seen me when I got my first KEN. I went ballistic. Mom had to take him away from me for awhile so I could calm down.)

Maybe that's why I look at my reflection and notice every bump and curvature. Not out of vanity but just curiosity. Why does my nose curve that way? Why do my eyebrows get sparse in some areas and thick in others? It's not as bad as it used to be. I've accepted my figure, my thick bottom and love handles, as part of me. Now, I'm looking more into the INSIDE and wondering why I have certain thoughts and feelings. Wondering why some things bother me more so than others now. I've gained some wisdom during my 43 years on this earth and I've noticed I've been questioning how I want to be remembered when I leave from here. I know, it sounds morbid in some aspects, but I really want to be remembered as someone who had "it" all together and who truly deeply cared about those around me.

But some days are more difficult than others to just feel comfortable with who I am. Some days I have less patience with those around me. Some days I want to grab that guy who is yelling at his kid in the middle of the store by the shoulders and say, "Ya know? That baby is going to remember that for the rest of his life and you are damaging him, somehow, someway, and I don't like you for that!" I want to get mad at the world for its selfishness. Some days I just don't feel comfortable BEING in this place. I don't measure up to its perfectionistic ways. I'm not a super model. I'm not a scientist. I don't make enough money to have three pools and a Rolls Royce on my 32-acre perfectly coiffed property. I am just me.

One who is just looking forward to going Home.

Maybe we all start feeling that way once we get to a certain point in our lives. Maybe some sooner than others. I have YET to find something that makes me want to stick around in this world FOREVER. Yes, I want to be here as long as I possibly can for my kids and grandkids, but eventually I just want to go Home and rest. I long for it. To snuggle deep into the arms of my Lord and feel his unconditional love for my soul BIG TIME. I know He loves me now and that He is watching over me, yes. But to be There and actually have those Arms around me and feeling His smile upon my face??? Ohh, yes, that is going to be a wondrous day. :)

I've been that person who had to have everything perfect and still do to some extent. But I've grown to realize, at the end of the day, what I've said to someone matters the most. What I've done for someone matters the most. Smiling at someone or not smiling at someone mattered the most. And if I didn't, while I was wrapped up in my own personal problem of the day, well, it bothers me. What if they needed that from someone, from anyone, to validate that they mattered to someone, to anyone, because they were possibly having the worst day of their lives??

So at the end of the day, I've scrutinized my actions. I've scrutinized what I did and did not do. And some days I fall miserably short. Then I remind myself I am human; but as long as I keep TRYING, as long as I keep STRIVING, then I will LEARN to be better. I may never be comfortable in my own skin but perhaps I'm not supposed to be. I SHOULDN'T be comfortable in this world. Because if I am, then I have nothing to STRIVE FOR, nothing to look forward to on the Other Side...

I don't care if my nose goes to one side more than the other.

I just want to be beautiful in God's eyes.

And I just want others to realize they are beautiful as well. Because they ARE. YOU are...no matter what size you are. No matter. At all.

Sooo, let me scrutinize. For this is MY path to Home.

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CHERIRIDDELL 4/25/2012 11:14PM

    I personally think you are very special and you bear up well to scrutiny , we are always hardest on ourselves.

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JERMADSON7 4/24/2012 11:25PM

    God loves you and sees in you a thing of beauty. He looks into your heart and knows that you are seeking his wisdom and the gift of Home that someday waits for you. Don't ever stop scrutinizing. It seems to bring you peace. Whatever brings you peace is a good thing.
May I be honest and tell you I think that you are a good person. You have had your times of triumph and equally your times of pain. The honesty that you share with us on here enduring those times has given our hearts and minds a lot to think about. What can we do to better our walk with God and to better our relationships here at home seems to be the main topic in each of your blogs. I am listening and learning along with you.
You ARE beautiful if you don't mind me saying so. Tenacious, resilient, kind, compassionate. Its through your struggles and your openness that you share your beauty with us all.
Scrutinize away, dear friend. God loves you just the way you are. So do we.

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MR.NET1 4/24/2012 10:04PM

    It has been months...
Since I have come back to this site, ( SparkPeople )

And I sure don't regret reading your blog, ( Sparkle* )
I have always told ya' and will tell ya' again...

***Yur' Beautiful*** emoticon

emoticon *Paul* emoticon

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CARTOONB 4/23/2012 11:42PM

    Well said.

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BKNOCK 4/23/2012 10:17PM

    emoticon

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CIVIAV 4/23/2012 6:08PM

    And I am not like you at all in these ways and yet, I too scrutinize myself and am happy to know that I will be going Home. And it's only as I gain peace with myself that I believe this. Home...

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KRITTERKEEPERS 4/23/2012 1:47PM

    I can so identify with your blog. I not only read my employment manuals, I read my husband's as well. Last time I bought a new car, I read the entire owner's manual in the first 12 hours of ownership. I discovered there was one point where an employer at the dealer had lied to me. When we were writing up the contract he told us the warranty would be voided if we did not purchase their maintenance contract and have our regular maintenance done through the dealership. We wanted to take the car to our own mechanic and questioned him about it, but he held his ground. We purchased the contract ($400). When I read in the owner's manual that was not a requirement, I called the dealership and demanded that they re-write my contract. They finally agreed (after much persuasion on my part) and also gave me free oil changes for a year!
emoticon

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KAILYNSTAR 4/23/2012 1:23AM

    Every body and every soul, has something to scrutinize.

Every body and every soul can come to peace and accept that they will never be perfect.

Just be.

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GEEMAWEST 4/22/2012 11:40PM

    I think you're perfectly awesome! emoticon

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PURPLEPEONY 4/22/2012 7:48PM

    Beautiful post & so are you...

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BOBBIENORTHERN1 4/22/2012 7:23PM

  Just love yourself for who you are in Christ Jesus and rest and relax in His love, grace and truth.

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SAC-6582 4/22/2012 7:06PM

    Isn't it a comfort to know that God loves us just as we are. I personally think the harder thing is to love me as God loves me. And what an awesome thought that He loved me so much it cost Him everything just so I could be in a right relationship with Him.
Great blog... Thanks for sharing. And don't ever stop being YOU!

Steve

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SALGUOD2 4/22/2012 3:08PM

    First off if all of us are made in God's image,then wouldn't that make you beautiful. I also don't believe there are any special requirements as far as weight, material possession, etc, ect ... to being a child of God other than to believe. So I guess my question is do you believe that God knows what he is doing because He is the one that created you.
Secondly as far as material possessions go, way over rated in my in my opinion. I once read that we don't own are possessions but rather they own us.We believe we have to live at a higher standard, keep up with the jones, if you will. Why? we end up on that quest for a higher paying job, even if we don't like it so that we can by more. I started about 5 years ago working backwards. My goal is to become totally self-sufficient. Iwant to raise my own food, produce my own energy, everything.
I once read the greatest gift we fail to pass on to our children is KNOWLEDGE. I believe this is so true.when we have made a mistake learn from it and move on, until the next mistakes. We aren't perfect and we will make lots, lots , and lots of mistakes.

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JUNIAATROME 4/22/2012 2:28PM

    I always thought you are beautiful! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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OLDERDANDRT 4/22/2012 2:27PM

    You ARE beautiful in God's eyes! He loves you! You are His child and He loves you like no other! NEVER, EVER believe anything else!!! Scrutinize away, as is your wont to do. Love ya, hon. Be well. emoticon

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