Sunday, April 22, 2012
I've read some very insightful blogs this morning that have me thinking about all the things I do...and do...and do...that save me from having to look inside myself at ugly things I've done or said in the past. If anyone watches GCB, I feel like Amanda. I think of the mean things I said or did when I was younger and wonder how many people still smart from my words or actions. I recall at a high school reunion a classmate coming up to me and making a nasty remark about how I treated him as a teenager, and it made me feel guilty that I not only didn't remember treating him badly, but that he had carried that sting around with him for two decades. It's incidents like that one that I am pulling out to examine in my effort to cultivate forgiveness.
The insight I am gaining is that I can get past the guilt arising from not being perfect. I can cut myself some slack. One of my favorite upbeat songs is Karen Drucker's "Lighten Up" from her "Power of Women" CD. The song has a swinging melody and is easy to sing along to when I'm stuck in traffic, and my favorite line is, "I'm just gonna get out of my own way." That's what I am trying to do this year...make myself get out of the way of looking at my own past. The process has been both emotional and healing as I take memories of actions and words out of their dusty recesses and examine them in the light. I let myself react and feel the guilt if I need to. Then I mentally ask the person to forgive me and forgive myself as well. Sometimes I have to repeat the process, because the feelings are too intense to let go of right away, but it is so freeing to release the mind clutter.