Life is lonely without Taz
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Friday morning was a bad time because the night before I gave Taz a bit of brownie and felt bad because it was a bit chewy for him. But when he was trying to eat it, the smell of his breath was bad. He finished the brownie and I told him I sorry it was so chewy and gave him some chicken. He was on my lap and when I hugged him, the same smell came through on the top on his head a bit. I knew then I had to make that call. So at 8:19 I called the vet and Vickki answered. I said who I was and asked if Dr. Dahl was in. She said yes and I told her I was calling about Taz and then I started crying. Vikki worked with Dr.D for years and knew who I was from past pets. She said she was sorry & asked if I wanted to being him in at 11:20. I was kind of shocked, I was hoping she would say that Dr. D was busy and to bring him in tomorrow. I said no, knowing it would be best for Taz. Then I called my parents and told them.
I had Taz on my lap watching Law & Order: CI when Rich got up. I told him about last night and that I was taking Taz in this morning, if he wanted to come. He said, "No, I'm not going through that again." and proceeded to go downstairs. Talk about an unfeeling bastard!!!!!!! As if Taz really meant anything to him. I thought good, I'd rather him not be there anyway.
I got to the vet and my ma was there. There's a starling in the waiting room called Grapenuts who started to sing. I sat by him because Taz would love to watch him. Taz didn't even poke his head out.
We went into the room, I spread his blanket on the table and Taz got as close to me as he could. Angel, one of the techs, came in with a paper to sign, formalities, and she was petting Taz, She made a comment about how he would let his presence be known in the lab and now how quiet he was. Shehab came in, he said he was just going to give him something to help him sleep. He needed to find a muscle, good luck. He even remembered how Taz would let his voice be heard. Sure enoughm Taz started growling. He petted Taz a bit before he left too.
I was called out to sign some papers and when I went back in, ma was bending over Taz. Taz had fallen asleep. I seen he was breathing very slowly and my thoughts went back to Sneaky Pi and how it seemed like it was the same thing. When Dr D came in, she put him on his side, shaved his back leg, all the while explaing what would happen, etc. She even commmented on Taz's attitiude anytime he went for lab work. How his tail would swing back and forth knocking stuff over, voiceing his opinion, etc. Then it was over, not that it took long, there wasn't much of him. Then Dr. D pointed out the bump on Taz's side and said that was his kidney. That it shouldn't be that big and that was where the smell was coming from. Dr D asked if I wanted the blanket & I told her to take it with. So she wrapped him up, his face still showing, and we left.
Ma asked what I wanted to do next and I said how about coffee. I couldn't go home yet. So we had lunch, went to Sports Authority for some waterbottle for dad, PetSmart for a couple toys for Mimi. I had to see the kitties they had there for adoption. They were all cute and naturally there were a couple black kitties.
I got home and it was so quiet, nothing felt right. Later I noticed the top of the litter box that had sand in it was gone. When I asked Rich he said it's outside and he through the sand out. He said nothing else about loosing Taz. When 5pm came, Taz's feeding time, it felt weird not having to do anything. I stayed in the library with the door closed the rest of the day
Saturday when my alarm went off, I thought "Why should I get up. I don't have to feed Taz." I stayed in bed for a little bit, crying. Then I looked at the time, 7am and figured that I better go shopping, Super Walmart opened at 6am. For some reason Rich got up too. Before I left I asked if he needed anything-no. So I went shopping. Good thing I made out a list, sometimes it seemed as if I was wandering around the store. I tried avoiding the pet section because I didn't feel like crying in the store. I got home and sure enough, there was Socks, the neighborhood cat who I feed when I see him. I told him I'd feed him after I finish taking in the bags and being the gentleman, excuse me, gentlecat that he is, he walked me from my car to the front door and back again till the last bag was in the house. I got his food dish and told him about his friend Taz, how he wouldn't be seeing him in the door or window anymore. I have to say Socks was more comfort than Rich, even "helped" my with the bags. Rich didn't once come upstairs to help me bring them in.
After I finished putting away the groceries, I went into the library to listen to the Cubs game, they won finally. I stayed in there until around 7pm. Watched a bit of t.v. then went to bed around 9pm. I read for a bit and fell asleep.
All day I was thinking of Taz, where he like to sleep in the library, then if I left the library he would find me and stay wherever I was. How he would cry when I left the house-Rich told me that he was a mama's boy, that whenevery I left the house, he would be by the door or go in the window and meow/cry. That I don't have to worry about feeding him at certain times, litter box, making sure he didn't drink all the water. etc.
I felt the same this morning when the alarm went off. Even remembering that Taz would be my alarm clock, getting me up well before my alarm clock did because he wanted to be fed NOW!!! How I yelled at him for chewing on the electric cords, just so he can get me out of bed.
There's no more begging for whatever I'm eating, kitty face in my dish. No more tummy rubs with teeth coming to attack my hand. No more tugging on my yarn while I'm crocheting. The house is so lonely, so quiet without Taz. No more yelling at him to get off something he knows he shouldn't be on. No more quiet times with him on my lap, or him sleeping with me while he hogs the bed.
This is the first time in about 39 years that I haven't had a pet. But no more for now. This will be the 4th year in a row I had to say good-bye to a loved one. Starting with Tequila in 2009, Carbon Copy in 2010, Sneaky Pi in 2011 and now Taz in 2012. I know I'll get another kitty and/or dog in the furture but for now I need a break. I still have my parents pooches to keep me busy.
Maybe tonight, when Rich leaves for work, I'll clean up Taz's dishes, dump the litter out, can't say clean since he didn't use it. I'll tie the string of yarn around Bunny's neck like a bow tie - Bunny is my very first stuffed animal and like me he's 48 yrs old, been recovered over the years and yes I still sleep with him when I don't feel good or like now when I can use some comforting. In fact one of these days, I'll give him a new coat.
I've packed some things away that will go to an animal shelter-toys, beds, even a comforter, blankets, rugs. But the litter box, few toys, dishes, a carrier or two, other blankets, will be packed away for future use. For now, I just need to relax from all the grief from the past 4 years. Try to remember the good times with all the kitties, good and bad. I've got to heal my heart first before I can get another pet. They were my children and it's hard saying good-bye to your kids without it taking anything out of you.
I miss & love you Taz, I know you're with your brothers, Tequila, Carbon Copy, Sneaky Pi. Even Catsanova and Keshka who's a dog but sometimes thought she was a cat. Hope you watch over me and visit once in awhile like your brothers have done. Have fun and remember to save a place for me.