Advertisement -- Learn more about ads on this site.
20,000-24,999 SparkPoints 21,273

Life is lonely without Taz

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Friday morning was a bad time because the night before I gave Taz a bit of brownie and felt bad because it was a bit chewy for him. But when he was trying to eat it, the smell of his breath was bad. He finished the brownie and I told him I sorry it was so chewy and gave him some chicken. He was on my lap and when I hugged him, the same smell came through on the top on his head a bit. I knew then I had to make that call. So at 8:19 I called the vet and Vickki answered. I said who I was and asked if Dr. Dahl was in. She said yes and I told her I was calling about Taz and then I started crying. Vikki worked with Dr.D for years and knew who I was from past pets. She said she was sorry & asked if I wanted to being him in at 11:20. I was kind of shocked, I was hoping she would say that Dr. D was busy and to bring him in tomorrow. I said no, knowing it would be best for Taz. Then I called my parents and told them.

I had Taz on my lap watching Law & Order: CI when Rich got up. I told him about last night and that I was taking Taz in this morning, if he wanted to come. He said, "No, I'm not going through that again." and proceeded to go downstairs. Talk about an unfeeling bastard!!!!!!! As if Taz really meant anything to him. I thought good, I'd rather him not be there anyway.

I got to the vet and my ma was there. There's a starling in the waiting room called Grapenuts who started to sing. I sat by him because Taz would love to watch him. Taz didn't even poke his head out.

We went into the room, I spread his blanket on the table and Taz got as close to me as he could. Angel, one of the techs, came in with a paper to sign, formalities, and she was petting Taz, She made a comment about how he would let his presence be known in the lab and now how quiet he was. Shehab came in, he said he was just going to give him something to help him sleep. He needed to find a muscle, good luck. He even remembered how Taz would let his voice be heard. Sure enoughm Taz started growling. He petted Taz a bit before he left too.

I was called out to sign some papers and when I went back in, ma was bending over Taz. Taz had fallen asleep. I seen he was breathing very slowly and my thoughts went back to Sneaky Pi and how it seemed like it was the same thing. When Dr D came in, she put him on his side, shaved his back leg, all the while explaing what would happen, etc. She even commmented on Taz's attitiude anytime he went for lab work. How his tail would swing back and forth knocking stuff over, voiceing his opinion, etc. Then it was over, not that it took long, there wasn't much of him. Then Dr. D pointed out the bump on Taz's side and said that was his kidney. That it shouldn't be that big and that was where the smell was coming from. Dr D asked if I wanted the blanket & I told her to take it with. So she wrapped him up, his face still showing, and we left.

Ma asked what I wanted to do next and I said how about coffee. I couldn't go home yet. So we had lunch, went to Sports Authority for some waterbottle for dad, PetSmart for a couple toys for Mimi. I had to see the kitties they had there for adoption. They were all cute and naturally there were a couple black kitties.

I got home and it was so quiet, nothing felt right. Later I noticed the top of the litter box that had sand in it was gone. When I asked Rich he said it's outside and he through the sand out. He said nothing else about loosing Taz. When 5pm came, Taz's feeding time, it felt weird not having to do anything. I stayed in the library with the door closed the rest of the day

Saturday when my alarm went off, I thought "Why should I get up. I don't have to feed Taz." I stayed in bed for a little bit, crying. Then I looked at the time, 7am and figured that I better go shopping, Super Walmart opened at 6am. For some reason Rich got up too. Before I left I asked if he needed anything-no. So I went shopping. Good thing I made out a list, sometimes it seemed as if I was wandering around the store. I tried avoiding the pet section because I didn't feel like crying in the store. I got home and sure enough, there was Socks, the neighborhood cat who I feed when I see him. I told him I'd feed him after I finish taking in the bags and being the gentleman, excuse me, gentlecat that he is, he walked me from my car to the front door and back again till the last bag was in the house. I got his food dish and told him about his friend Taz, how he wouldn't be seeing him in the door or window anymore. I have to say Socks was more comfort than Rich, even "helped" my with the bags. Rich didn't once come upstairs to help me bring them in.

After I finished putting away the groceries, I went into the library to listen to the Cubs game, they won finally. I stayed in there until around 7pm. Watched a bit of t.v. then went to bed around 9pm. I read for a bit and fell asleep.

All day I was thinking of Taz, where he like to sleep in the library, then if I left the library he would find me and stay wherever I was. How he would cry when I left the house-Rich told me that he was a mama's boy, that whenevery I left the house, he would be by the door or go in the window and meow/cry. That I don't have to worry about feeding him at certain times, litter box, making sure he didn't drink all the water. etc.

I felt the same this morning when the alarm went off. Even remembering that Taz would be my alarm clock, getting me up well before my alarm clock did because he wanted to be fed NOW!!! How I yelled at him for chewing on the electric cords, just so he can get me out of bed.

There's no more begging for whatever I'm eating, kitty face in my dish. No more tummy rubs with teeth coming to attack my hand. No more tugging on my yarn while I'm crocheting. The house is so lonely, so quiet without Taz. No more yelling at him to get off something he knows he shouldn't be on. No more quiet times with him on my lap, or him sleeping with me while he hogs the bed.

This is the first time in about 39 years that I haven't had a pet. But no more for now. This will be the 4th year in a row I had to say good-bye to a loved one. Starting with Tequila in 2009, Carbon Copy in 2010, Sneaky Pi in 2011 and now Taz in 2012. I know I'll get another kitty and/or dog in the furture but for now I need a break. I still have my parents pooches to keep me busy.

Maybe tonight, when Rich leaves for work, I'll clean up Taz's dishes, dump the litter out, can't say clean since he didn't use it. I'll tie the string of yarn around Bunny's neck like a bow tie - Bunny is my very first stuffed animal and like me he's 48 yrs old, been recovered over the years and yes I still sleep with him when I don't feel good or like now when I can use some comforting. In fact one of these days, I'll give him a new coat.

I've packed some things away that will go to an animal shelter-toys, beds, even a comforter, blankets, rugs. But the litter box, few toys, dishes, a carrier or two, other blankets, will be packed away for future use. For now, I just need to relax from all the grief from the past 4 years. Try to remember the good times with all the kitties, good and bad. I've got to heal my heart first before I can get another pet. They were my children and it's hard saying good-bye to your kids without it taking anything out of you.

I miss & love you Taz, I know you're with your brothers, Tequila, Carbon Copy, Sneaky Pi. Even Catsanova and Keshka who's a dog but sometimes thought she was a cat. Hope you watch over me and visit once in awhile like your brothers have done. Have fun and remember to save a place for me.
Share This Post With Others
Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I am so sorry... I understand too well.. To love a creature is to hug the face of God.. Thinking of you.. Just Me Jane
    695 days ago
    Hi Emily, I was actually stopping by because I don't remember ever thanking you for your "welcome" to the group. And then I came upon your blog of losing your beloved Taz. Please accept my late condolence. I was crying while reading what you wrote - because of how sad I was for what I know you were feeling and also because I was remembering how sad and difficult it was when I lost my little ones . . . each time we have to let go of our beloved little furry babies, it's just so heart breaking.

    I know it's still recent, so I won't say I hope you're recovered by now because I know better .. . but I do hope you're doing a bit better without your little love.

    I know I'm a stranger to you, but please know that at least 1 stranger is thinking about you and crying with you today.

    Nancy emoticon
    1117 days ago
    Such a tough thing to go through. So sorry for your grief. Take care of yourself!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1523 days ago
  • v DISPATCH91
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1523 days ago
    Em, I am so sorry for your loss. I just can't imagine losing another kitty so soon.

    I am sorry to about your marriage. I will be praying for you and you are always in my thoughts. You are one of my dearest Spark Friends.

    I love you, Em and I am here for you always!! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1523 days ago
  • v APONI_KB
    It's always very sad to lose a furry family member. The important thing is that Taz was loved. I'm sorry that you're not getting the support you should be from Rich. I'm glad you have family around.
    1524 days ago
    I'm sorry for your loss. One day at a time
    1524 days ago

    I don't know what to say Em other than what everybody else has said. It's going to take a lot of time to get over Taz (with no help at all from Rich).

    Take care of yourself and don't knock yourself about too much at what was ultimately out of your control. Little Taz is hurting no longer and is definitely playing with Sneaker and the others.
    1525 days ago
    I am so sorry for your loss. It is hard when we loose one of our fur-babies. I know Taz is at the rainbow bridge with his brothers. He will make his presence known to you in a way you will not miss. I found myself crying reading your blog thinking of saying good bye to my fur baby. I will keep you in my prayers. I understand why you need to take a break. A heart has to mend after being broken so hard.
    1526 days ago
  • v KAYDE53
    emoticon emoticon emoticon So sorry about your loss, as well as the others; you've had a rough go of it, Em!! I can see why you're taking a little break!!! You were a great mom to all of them!!
    1526 days ago
  • v BEEJAY49
    Oh Em! I'm so very sorry for your loss. You are in my prayers! I know full well what it's like to lose a fur-iend and my heart goes out to you.

    Dear Lord, please wrap Your loving arms around Em and give her the comfort she so desperately needs right now. Give her strength and peace in her time of loss. I ask You this through your loving Son Jesus Christ. Amen.

    God Bless and Hugs!
    1526 days ago
  • v CHLOE453
    I am so very sorry for your loss of Taz. I found the tears flowing as I read your is so hard to make that decision, although we know inside it is the right one. emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1526 days ago
  • v CATLADY52
    1526 days ago
    Dear Em, I am so sorry you are having to go through this again, seems like yesterday that you lost Sneaky Pi. Taz just seemed so young to be in bad health, just didn't seem like you got to have him in your home long enough at all. I sure know how you are grieving and wish Zoey and I could be there to help you through this. You will heal and then you will find the perfect furbaby to love you back as much as you love them.

    Many hugs,
    Sandi emoticon emoticon
    1526 days ago
    I am so sorry to hear this. You are so strong. Take this time to treasure those memories you have had with each and every one of them and heal. You are in my thoughts. Taz is much happier now and free of pain. You did the right thing.

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1526 days ago
  • v KPA1B2
    I'm sorry for your loss.
    1526 days ago
    I am sorry for your losses, it is so hard to lose our treasured "children". I too believe they are always with us. emoticon emoticon Cheryl
    1526 days ago
    emoticon sorry for you loss and your heartache. You've been a great "Mommy" to your fur kids and they have all known how loved they were. Sending extra hugs your way.

    emoticon Mary Anne
    1526 days ago
  • v REDSHOES2011
    1526 days ago
  • v JACKJACK91
    I'm sorry for your lost, it is NOT easy to say good-bye to a beloved member of the family! We have had to do it a few times kitty was the hardest, cried all day after losing her emoticon emoticon . Be comforted I'm sure by your blog that they were all loved well! Take care emoticon
    1526 days ago
  • Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

    Log in to post a comment

    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.

More Blogs by METALLICAT1