I've had a lot of things going on in my head that last couple months and I don't know how to organize them so I'm just going to spill out all out on this page. Feel free to stop reading, because I'm sure it won't make any sense. I just need to get it out.
The last few months I feel like I'm floundering. I really haven't lost any weight since the beginning of March. I'm not upset about it really, just bummed that the scale hasn't gone down.
I get friend requests from people who have 30 pounds to lose, and I feel like I "can't be friends with someone who has 30 pounds to lose because *I* was enormous. What can I possible tell them about losing 30 pounds?" How ridiculous is that? I kind of feel like I can only be friends with people who weigh over 300 pounds because that's where I started. This probably sounds terrible, like I don't want to help someone who has a less amount of weight to lose, but I feel like I CAN'T help them. Does that make any sense?
I wish this this whole calories in calories out was as easy as it sounds. If it was, I would have gotten to goal a year ago. I still can't figure out how much to eat in relation to my calories burned, to make weight loss consistent. It always seems hit or miss at this point.
I'm still trying to run and I feel like I have other things I want to do too. I have all these great workout videos and now I have a bike which I love, I "make" my dad take walks with me, and I'm afraid that running will be on the back burner. What if I NEVER run a 5K? It feels like I have too much I want to do, and because of that I feel like I'm not doing anything.
My 2 year anniversary on spark is in June and I want to set a weight goal for it, but the way things are going, I don't want to be disappointed if I don't make it. I've set lots of weight goals, and when the deadline gets close, I change it if I have to, no big deal, so I don't why I CAN'T set a goal for June.
Numerically, I'm close to my goal weight, but it seems light-years away. I know the closer you get, the harder it is to lose the weight, but I'm still not small by any means, and in my head, it shouldn't be this difficult to lose the last 37 pounds. Initially, I was going to get this done in 18 months, then it moved to 2 years, now I'm hoping to be at goal by the end of this year. I know this doesn't always work out like you plan, and I know lots of my friends have been working on this for years, and I'm NOT complaining, just frustrated.
You really want to ruin your day, try on a swim suit. I live in a lake front town, and the beach is about 7 miles away. There is NO reason why I shouldn't be taking the kids to the beach all summer. It's free, it's close and they love the water... oh, yeah, I have to put on a swim suit, that's why! I got one last year that I didn't look hideous in, but still hated walking onto that beach. This year, I'm about 50 pounds lighter and I bought a new suit, size 16-18, but it still sucks. I bought a tankini with a skirt, because my bottom is still a little bigger than my top. However, because of the smaller size, it's not exactly structured for a *real* woman. Not enough support in the top and with lose saggy skin, and the girls not being where they need to be on their own, it's still not a pretty picture. I don't even want to talk about the "swim skirt."
I still can't figure out what make me think I can lose all this weight and keep it off. So many people here have lost lots of weight, disappear, only to resurface having gained a bunch of it back. Why do I think I can do this? I'm no better than anyone else. I'm losing weight the same way they did. WHY am I going to be a success? What makes me think that won't happen to me?
After all of my success (not bragging) I still have all this self doubt. I'm a different person. I'm SO much happier and I have this new confidence, outwardly, that everyone else sees, but I still have a hard time believing in myself. Maybe I'm just so afraid that I won't be able to maintain this new lifestyle, I'm getting prepared for failure, if THAT make sense?!?
Well, if you're still reading, thank you. Like I said, it's a bunch of random crap, that I can't wrap my head around, so why not throw it out into sparkland.
To end on a much lighter note...
307 pounds (at least) December 2009
177 pounds April 2012
Maybe I really WILL be able to do this!