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So many random thoughts... it's LONG!

Saturday, April 21, 2012

I've had a lot of things going on in my head that last couple months and I don't know how to organize them so I'm just going to spill out all out on this page. Feel free to stop reading, because I'm sure it won't make any sense. I just need to get it out.

The last few months I feel like I'm floundering. I really haven't lost any weight since the beginning of March. I'm not upset about it really, just bummed that the scale hasn't gone down.

I get friend requests from people who have 30 pounds to lose, and I feel like I "can't be friends with someone who has 30 pounds to lose because *I* was enormous. What can I possible tell them about losing 30 pounds?" How ridiculous is that? I kind of feel like I can only be friends with people who weigh over 300 pounds because that's where I started. This probably sounds terrible, like I don't want to help someone who has a less amount of weight to lose, but I feel like I CAN'T help them. Does that make any sense?

I wish this this whole calories in calories out was as easy as it sounds. If it was, I would have gotten to goal a year ago. I still can't figure out how much to eat in relation to my calories burned, to make weight loss consistent. It always seems hit or miss at this point.

I'm still trying to run and I feel like I have other things I want to do too. I have all these great workout videos and now I have a bike which I love, I "make" my dad take walks with me, and I'm afraid that running will be on the back burner. What if I NEVER run a 5K? It feels like I have too much I want to do, and because of that I feel like I'm not doing anything.

My 2 year anniversary on spark is in June and I want to set a weight goal for it, but the way things are going, I don't want to be disappointed if I don't make it. I've set lots of weight goals, and when the deadline gets close, I change it if I have to, no big deal, so I don't why I CAN'T set a goal for June.

Numerically, I'm close to my goal weight, but it seems light-years away. I know the closer you get, the harder it is to lose the weight, but I'm still not small by any means, and in my head, it shouldn't be this difficult to lose the last 37 pounds. Initially, I was going to get this done in 18 months, then it moved to 2 years, now I'm hoping to be at goal by the end of this year. I know this doesn't always work out like you plan, and I know lots of my friends have been working on this for years, and I'm NOT complaining, just frustrated.

You really want to ruin your day, try on a swim suit. I live in a lake front town, and the beach is about 7 miles away. There is NO reason why I shouldn't be taking the kids to the beach all summer. It's free, it's close and they love the water... oh, yeah, I have to put on a swim suit, that's why! I got one last year that I didn't look hideous in, but still hated walking onto that beach. This year, I'm about 50 pounds lighter and I bought a new suit, size 16-18, but it still sucks. I bought a tankini with a skirt, because my bottom is still a little bigger than my top. However, because of the smaller size, it's not exactly structured for a *real* woman. Not enough support in the top and with lose saggy skin, and the girls not being where they need to be on their own, it's still not a pretty picture. I don't even want to talk about the "swim skirt."

I still can't figure out what make me think I can lose all this weight and keep it off. So many people here have lost lots of weight, disappear, only to resurface having gained a bunch of it back. Why do I think I can do this? I'm no better than anyone else. I'm losing weight the same way they did. WHY am I going to be a success? What makes me think that won't happen to me?

After all of my success (not bragging) I still have all this self doubt. I'm a different person. I'm SO much happier and I have this new confidence, outwardly, that everyone else sees, but I still have a hard time believing in myself. Maybe I'm just so afraid that I won't be able to maintain this new lifestyle, I'm getting prepared for failure, if THAT make sense?!?

Well, if you're still reading, thank you. Like I said, it's a bunch of random crap, that I can't wrap my head around, so why not throw it out into sparkland.

To end on a much lighter note...

307 pounds (at least) December 2009

177 pounds April 2012

Maybe I really WILL be able to do this!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Your journey has been quite inspiring, but that is not who you are. You are a 177# woman trying to live healthy and understand her relationship with food. Connect with Spark friends that connect with you reguardless of their journey. I found your blog based on geography - Erie, PA. I find myself regularly searching out new teams to better suit who I am today.

    Today, I too am afriad the end goal is tough to face no matter what I have already seen myself do. I too am afraid to set my next concrete goals.

    Hope we both find that AH-HA moment that makes us set and strive for the next finish line, and the next.

    2119 days ago
    You're helping so many people even if you can't see it. Sure there aer people with alot to get rid of and those with just a little. But guess what we're all fighting the same battle. We're all trying to take back our lives. I see all the success stories on here and I wonder if I'll get there, I worry about putting it back on to going back to before. Knowing I'm not the only one struggling is amazing, it's helps more then you realize. So thank you.
    2126 days ago
    First of all, big hugs! I feel like I could have written much of what you wrote. I have the same issues, and I think that it's completely normal when you do something as life changing as we've done. There are times I basically just maintain, and I think being able to do that says a lot about how far we've come. I also struggle with the calories in/out thing. It's not as easy as people think. I think because we are taking time to do this, it becomes more of a permanent change, which will keep us from gaining it back. So much of this is the journey, and I think until we realize there is no finish line, we'll struggle more. We'll do this. I believe in you and I know you'll stick around. I have also seen people leave and come back and they've gained weight. It does scare me and I still doubt myself sometimes, but I know I can do this. I promise I won't leave or give up. I think people gain a few pounds and feel ashamed and leave instead of asking for help. I am with you on the bathing suit thing. I hate my thighs because of the hanging skin, so what I plan to do it get a good fitting one piece and buying a separate skirt to wear over it, or a pair of those shorts so it'll cover that up. I tried one on at kohl's I liked, but since I won't be swimming for a couple months I wanted to wait to buy it. Anyway, just know how much you have inspired everyone, and how much your friendship means to me. We're in this together!
    2126 days ago

    You have done an amazing job!!! You have lost over 130#s You are almost half the person you were. The thing to help you get rid of that self doubt is to really relish in what you have already accomplished. If you want to do a 5k then just do it! You are more than capable of doing so!! You have and continue to be a real inspiration to me. Blogs like this one are even more inspiring because even if you don't have that super self confidence you have still done it and you aren't giving up. To me that is more inspirational than the people who portray like this whole thing is so easy. It is a very difficult process. I am like you after losing 112 pounds every pound is a fight. But I have decided to let the scale say what it's going to say I will just focus on doing the work and pushing myself. You are a success and as long as you don't quit on your self you will always be a success!!! You are such a wonderful person!!!

    2127 days ago
    Holly, you've done an amazing job transforming yourself, and inspiring others along the way. You will achieve all your goals -- just look how far you've come.

    Thanks for sharing this -- I know that there are so many others, myself included, who have felt this way. It helps to know that others do too.
    2128 days ago
    I just want to turn paragraph 3 on its head. I "only" have 40 pounds to lose and I can't seem to lose them. I read blogs of people like you who have lost a lot of weight and admire your accomplishments and wonder why I don't have the self-discipline that you do on a daily basis. Yet your photos prove it can be done. Your blogs show that you are a real human being with a real life and you've done so much. I think that when you put things out there on Spark, you don't know who you are going to touch.
    2129 days ago
    I love reading your blogs because I feel like you are where I'll be in a year if I work really, really hard. I really sympathize with the skin issues (in the bathing suit) because I've already had issues with that and I still have 75 more pounds to lose. I also worry about gaining the weight back. I don't know what will make it stay off. I have never lost this much weight before so I have never had the experience of working this hard just to backtrack and go back to the way I was. It really scares me, too. I don't know what will make you or I any different from everyone else.
    2129 days ago
    I love this blog. I usually love the very honest blogs :) This will probably help a lot of us because I used to think the Big Loss sparkers just walked on sunshine whistling dixie, never worrying but this blog lets me know that you are human. Yes you have done some amazing things but you still worry about making it. I think that worry will be the fuel to the fire because it shows how much it means to you. I don't doubt that you will get it done. You got this! emoticon
    2129 days ago
  • PATIB13
    Holley, you are one of the most amazing friends I have on here, you deserve to have a moment of self doubt or of needing to let out the random crap....you have worked hard and you are not one who seems like they will allow themselves to go back to where you were. I don't understand how the calories in-out works but you have done much better than I so you must have some of this down. :) Continue to enjoy your success and know that you many friends rooting for you. emoticon emoticon emoticon You are amazing !!
    2129 days ago
    Holly what can I say to make you see WHAT A FANTASTIC job you have done so far? If you don't lose another pound you still have a right to be very proud of what you have done. You have lost the equivalent of a WHOLE person. I don't think for one minute you will ever let yourself get that heavy again. You just need to see yourself as everyone else does. You are a beautiful girl. Your outside now matches your inside. You need to look in that mirror every day and see the thin girl that is there for all the world to see. I think sometimes you still only see the very heavy unhappy girl that started the journey. She is \physically gone forever. So lift your head high and say I have done a tremendous job and anything else I do is the cream on top. LOVE you MOM/DAD emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2129 days ago
    Amen to it all. It all sucks and I hope you find the formula that works for you. Then bottle some and send it to me! :-)
    2130 days ago
    Great blog, Holly. I honestly don't understand why more people don't have doubts. I know I had them but I never talked about them and unfortunately became a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's good to get it out there.

    I understand you on the friends. I always wonder why anyone who only has a "small" amount to lost would want to friend me.
    2130 days ago
    Holly, you're just human and struggling with the same things we all struggle with. I understand about you not thinking you can be friends with someone unless they have a lot of weight to lose, but I find that just getting the lifestyle down, no matter what amount of weight you have to lose, is still helpful. The concept is the same - watch what you eat, eat to fuel your body, exercise regularly. You still have a lot to offer just by doing what you're doing. It doesn't matter how much weight someone has to lose. You're still inspiring!

    I've been around the same weight since July. What I've found out is that I needed to decrease my calories a bit. I also bought a Bodybugg and found out that I'm burning a lot more each day than I thought I was. Which means I have been losing a bit again (except for vacation) when I'm a little above my SP ranges. It has been really helpful. I'm only 10 pounds away from my goal weight and it's soooo frustrating! I hear you. But you can do this! I think I psychologically took a few months off from trying to lose to build some muscle and take a bit of the stress off.

    As for the swimsuit, I've found that I'm MUCH more critical of how I look in a suit than anyone else is of me. I found a couple of skirt suits on Fashion Bug's website that really hide things in the hip/upper thigh area. You probably look JUST FINE.

    Hang in there! You are absolutely normal and you CAN do this. We are all rooting for you! Hugs!
    2130 days ago
    I get it. Holly, you have been working so hard and the weight has been flying off. Maybe you just need a minute for your head to catch up. I know we have been friends from the start and anyone who knows you is lucky. You inspire, encourage and motivate. And you do it all by just being you. You willnever go back. I have no doubts of that. You know my motto about bathing suits? Screw people. What. Are they going to be suddenly shocked that I am fat when they see me in shorts or a bathing suit. Wear it proud girl! You look amazing. You may never be perfect but who is? I love you, girl!
    2130 days ago
    It sounds like you are in a tough spot and are understandably frustrated. What you have accomplished so far is absolutely amazing and took a lot of hard work, dedication and perseverance. The same person who did that is the same person you are now. You may be in a small funk, but you still have the perseverance and dedication to continue and succeed! emoticon
    2130 days ago
    Welcome to being human. What you have done is amazing, life-changing, and difficult. How many people have lost 150 pounds??? Let yourself be amazed by your achievement. Doubt is normal. Probably goes back to the little girl still inside of all of us (she is the one who is currently sabotaging my efforts. I don't know what is so scary to me that, as soon as I hit my initial goal, I put on 3 pounds). We can do this-- I know we can! Xoxo, Deb
    2130 days ago
    Sorry that my answer is longer than your blog!!!
    2130 days ago
    I hear your frustration. A lot of what you'r eexperiencing I am too. At the beginning of March I only had 3 pounds to lose to reach 100 lost. Here I am towards the end of April and I still haven't got there. After losing 2 or 3 pounds nearly every week having lost only 2.5 pounds in 6 weeks feels practically stagnent and none exisistent. At 153 pounds I too am still a pretty hefty weight for my height and still have at least 15 pounds to lose to be at the heaviest BMI for my height ( 5 ft 2...nearly emoticon ) so I too feel that I shouldn't have slowed down this much at this stage.

    However, searching around and asking other big losers this all seems to be completely normal and part of the course. I suppose when we actually get to goal instead of having to adapt to losing really slowly it will be hard to adapt to not trying to lose weight too. It'll be a strange feeling to not be needing to see the scale moving down.

    I don't do the calories in versus calories out thing. I eat within my calorie range designated by Spark (1220-1550) and don't change that whether I work out or not. At least then I know that I'm eating healthily and it will all work out in the end.

    I went bikini and costume hunting the other day and came out dejected too. My previously firm bum has hippo type rolls of empty skin under it now and there is loose skin everywhere (oh man....you should see my armpits....the skin is pleated in there!). It's hard to accept the saggy skin when if you physically lift it up you can see a neat tight body under it all. My partner said I'm being stupid and promised me I'll look 100 times better in a bikini with saggy skin than at 100 pounds more even if it was pretty firm. I know he's right...but it's still not easy is it? It's like swapping one lot of complexes for another.

    What you have got to change is this lack of belief in your self. You are NOT going to gain this weight back. You ARE better than other people. You have achieved what the vast majority only ever dream of doing. You are DOING IT and in a healthy way and in a place of major support. Do NOT doubt in yourself...I know you can do this. I don't see how I can gain it back because I don't feel like I'm on a diet that I can come off. I'm just going to carry on eating the way I am now because I feel satisfied and in no way deprived. Don't you feel the same? Do you want to slip back into those dark binging times? I too still get the urge sometimes to pig out and then I remember what it was like....I don't want to go back to that place. Read back through your old blogs to remember how you used to feel and how the changes made you feel gradually better and better. You are NOT going to gain this back...tell yourself everyday and remember to have a private gloat about how well you've done.

    I understand the friend add thing. I feel like if they only have a little weight to lose it's not really because they want my help but because they want to have a voyeuristic peek at fat photos against now. Who can blame them? I find them fascinating too....but I do understand you.

    You've got this lifestyle nailed...now if you could only believe in your self the way that we believe in you.So we're at snails pace for now.....it'll give the skin time to catch up a little emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2130 days ago
    Well you know I've also just been flopping around over the last six months, which is really frustrating when you have so little to go (or little in comparison to where you started, anyway). I wish that whole calories-in-calories-out thing was so much easier too! And more understandable, as sometimes it just doesnt' seem to work. Sending you hugs. I completely understand.
    2130 days ago
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