Friday, April 20, 2012
Okay, I've been attending this pity party this week. The food has been great, but there are no cool kids here! The only way to get out is opening the door and walking out. That's what I'm going to do. It just seems like a long walk home!
Here's how I was invited to the party:
My week started with an argument with my husband one evening. The next morning, I was ready to move forward, but he decided to hold a grudge. I got no conversation and one word answers for 2 days. I was so mad I could spit! When the only other person in your household won't talk to you, life isn't very pleasant.
Just when he stopped acting like a jerk, I was awakened at 1:30 in the morning by text messages from my youngest son(23). (He works 3rd shift, so he's up all night.) Those text messages turned into 3 hours of arguing and yelling. It's a long story. To sum it up...I tried to do something to help him, it backfired, he got a bill in the mail for it and accused me of purposely trying to screw him. It's not the disagreement that bothers me in this situation, it's what he thinks of me. Does he really think I would try to screw him? (Might I add, I just loaned him $1000 two weeks ago to cover an attorney for a DUI he wants to fight. I guess that's what bad moms do.)
This animosity that he has towards me is also shared by his older brother(26), my only other child. We moved 900 miles away from them 4 years ago and they resent us for it. Every time I tell them I miss them, I get "Well, you're the one who moved." Twist the knife! Short of packing everything up and moving back, there is no way to fix this situation on my part. I was hoping that by now their anger would have subsided. Nope.
They resent that we moved. They resent that my husband and I are finally financially comfortable in our lives. They resent that I don't work full time. They resent that I bike so much. Communication is next to nothing. I can text or call and they don't return my calls. 2 years ago, my husband was in a motorcycle accident. He's been dealing with the injuries from that. Not once, in 2 years, have either one of my boys asked how there dad is feeling or healing from his injuries. We never get calls from them just to say hi. My youngest son didn't even acknowledge my birthday last year. Throw me a freaking scrap, for crying out loud!
I'm feeling like the worst mom in the world. I feel I have raised two very self-centered young men who have absolutely no respect for their parents or their parents feeling. I never treated my parents like that! I keep rethinking their whole childhoods, trying to figure out what I did wrong. I'm second guessing everything!
I've been having trouble dealing with all of this. I tend to internalize it. Then, it's a downward spiral of self abuse and feeling hopeless. My eating has been horrendous! I've been binging on everything! I've been biking this week, but it hasn't been giving me the pleasure it usually does. Just going through the motions.
Well, I'm sick of this party! I want to go home. Today, I leave! I might not get home right away, but I'm on my way.