Friday, April 20, 2012
Okay, I've been attending this pity party this week. The food has been great, but there are no cool kids here! The only way to get out is opening the door and walking out. That's what I'm going to do. It just seems like a long walk home!
Here's how I was invited to the party:
My week started with an argument with my husband one evening. The next morning, I was ready to move forward, but he decided to hold a grudge. I got no conversation and one word answers for 2 days. I was so mad I could spit! When the only other person in your household won't talk to you, life isn't very pleasant.
Just when he stopped acting like a jerk, I was awakened at 1:30 in the morning by text messages from my youngest son(23). (He works 3rd shift, so he's up all night.) Those text messages turned into 3 hours of arguing and yelling. It's a long story. To sum it up...I tried to do something to help him, it backfired, he got a bill in the mail for it and accused me of purposely trying to screw him. It's not the disagreement that bothers me in this situation, it's what he thinks of me. Does he really think I would try to screw him? (Might I add, I just loaned him $1000 two weeks ago to cover an attorney for a DUI he wants to fight. I guess that's what bad moms do.)
This animosity that he has towards me is also shared by his older brother(26), my only other child. We moved 900 miles away from them 4 years ago and they resent us for it. Every time I tell them I miss them, I get "Well, you're the one who moved." Twist the knife! Short of packing everything up and moving back, there is no way to fix this situation on my part. I was hoping that by now their anger would have subsided. Nope.
They resent that we moved. They resent that my husband and I are finally financially comfortable in our lives. They resent that I don't work full time. They resent that I bike so much. Communication is next to nothing. I can text or call and they don't return my calls. 2 years ago, my husband was in a motorcycle accident. He's been dealing with the injuries from that. Not once, in 2 years, have either one of my boys asked how there dad is feeling or healing from his injuries. We never get calls from them just to say hi. My youngest son didn't even acknowledge my birthday last year. Throw me a freaking scrap, for crying out loud!
I'm feeling like the worst mom in the world. I feel I have raised two very self-centered young men who have absolutely no respect for their parents or their parents feeling. I never treated my parents like that! I keep rethinking their whole childhoods, trying to figure out what I did wrong. I'm second guessing everything!
I've been having trouble dealing with all of this. I tend to internalize it. Then, it's a downward spiral of self abuse and feeling hopeless. My eating has been horrendous! I've been binging on everything! I've been biking this week, but it hasn't been giving me the pleasure it usually does. Just going through the motions.
Well, I'm sick of this party! I want to go home. Today, I leave! I might not get home right away, but I'm on my way.
Member Comments About This Blog Post
You only need one thing! Balls! Yes, Big old Balls to set boundaries. Send him a bill each month for the $1000 he owes you with interest, your not a bank or welfare. He is an adult and accountable for his own stuff. Take that $1000 and get a new set of wheels. Screw the pity party, find your inner strength, and take care of you.
Oh, you can't fix them! They can only fix them.
"They resent that we moved." Why, can't they see a positive side or are they too selfish and dependent?
"They resent that my husband and I are finally financially comfortable in our lives." Maybe they are jealous? Maybe they need to learn how you did that and take a lesson. They could start by shutting up and paying attention.
"They resent that I don't work full time." Why, so you could send them more money?
"They resent that I bike so much." The don't like the fact that you are taking a interest in your health and will be around a long time.
"Communication is next to nothing. I can text or call and they don't return my calls." Screw them, don't chase them. Mature respecting adults don't treat their parents like that.
"2 years ago, my husband was in a motorcycle accident. He's been dealing with the injuries from that. Not once, in 2 years, have either one of my boys asked how there dad is feeling or healing from his injuries. We never get calls from them just to say hi." Ask yourself why? Define the issues. Break the cycle and set yourself free this death grip on your emotions.
"My youngest son didn't even acknowledge my birthday last year." Ok, send him a bill for $50, itemize it, birthday card, phone call to mom, gift for a new bike jersey, etc. Hey Mother's Day will be here soon, get it a try.
"Throw me a freaking scrap, for crying out loud!" Girl, I'm throwing you some tools do keep the boundaries and be free. Find your balls and set some tough love in motion.
You can pay me back any time with a good whack upside the head or an ass kicking.
1615 days ago
Ugh! Sounds like "stomp on Mom" time 'round your neck of the woods!
Might be worth setting some boundaries with your sons and cutting back on your contact with them when they become verbally abusive toward you: "I can't talk to you when you are this way. We'll talk some other time when you can be calm and respectful." Then hang up the phone or step away from the exchange and let them cool their jets while you cool yours!
You and DH have made many thoughtful changes in your lifestyle which sounds like they suit you just fine. Hoping your sons can learn to respect that!
1617 days ago
Sorry about all the mess, Peg. I can't imagine the internal pain regarding your kids. They will "get it" one day. Maybe, when its all too late, but that is nothing you can control. You are a good mom. You raised them and sent them out to be their own people. its what we do. Who they decide to be & how they decide to act and react to situations is beyond our control. I know this is not what you want to hear, but it is the truth. You keep your head up.....you're a great person. It will all work out.
Luv ya, Shelly
1619 days ago
Wow, I read yours after my rant and all I have to say is MEN!!!!!!!!!
As for the kids, I wish you luck, Maybe is might be time to just let them be and grow up as painful as it may be for you. Stop looking back it will drive you crazy and there is nothing that you can do to change it. Your sons were "adults" when you moved and if they are not over it that is their feelings to workout.
You are not a bad mom there was only so much you can do and you did the best you could. What is your husbands feelings on all of this?
1619 days ago
Good job leaving the pity party.
I hope you got some good advice from your SP friends. Trust in you higher power there is no way to control everything. Take care of yourself. You are no good to others if you are not healthy. A smile drives angry people crazy and it helps keep things in perspective. Don't give up on your children, but let them go. Some call it detaching with love.
1619 days ago
Sorry there are so many problems going on. It happens. . . for sure . It's a pain when our kids have such feelings of anger and entitlement. UGH. Just know you're not alone. It is so frustrating to raise these kids the best we can, and finding our kids to be so self-centered is so disappointing. What can you do except get on with your life! Live it on your terms and do NOT feel guilty about doing that! You're entitled. Sending HUGS your way. Sorry you're going through this. **SIGH**
1620 days ago
I feel for you, I'll spark mail you.
PARTY is OVER, put on a happy face.
1620 days ago
Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.