Sick of Family Drama
Thursday, April 19, 2012
I plan to go to Harris Teeter again today for super doubles. I don't know if I will be going every day like I normally do unless I get new electronic coupons that make it worthwhile, or new internet coupons to use.
Well it seems my name is dirt according to my father when I called him this week to see how he was doing. If you haven't read any of my blogs, he has colon cancer but had the cancerous part of his colon (tumor and part of his colon removed).
He asked me if I was coming down to visit and I had to explain once again why I haven't been down. He tends to forget (he's in his 70's) and I have to keep reminding him why I don't go down. I told him that I was not welcome by my mother/sister and they made sure that I knew it. My mother even called me 3 years ago and told me to make other plans for Thanksgiving and to not come to her house.
It's a long involved situation that I won't go into detail again on here, but suffice it to say, my mother makes sure that I don't receive much information and that I realize that I'm not a "part" of the family. As a result, it looks like I don't care for my family and according to my father, every one was shocked that I didn't go down for my father's surgery.
I really wanted to go, but it's a 5 hour drive (one way) and I'm not welcome at their home (well I am by my dad, but not my mother or sister) and I would have had to get a very expensive hotel (this is near Myrtle Beach, SC) and been treated poorly in the process.
I told my father that I get treated badly if I go down and I get treated badly if I don't so why endure that treatment in person? LOL I used to go down to visit all the time, but finally got a backbone and decided I was not going to be abused anymore by them (mother in particular) and enough was enough.
I have to stand up for me and not endure a bad relationship just because it's my mother. I don't wish her ill and love her and the rest of my family very much, but it's like being in an abusive marriage. You may love that person dearly and kill yourself trying to make the relationship work (and in the process you sacrifice yourself and your self-esteem) but if they aren't working on it and trying to treat you well, why keep doing it?
So I was told that everyone was talking about me not going there so as I figured, my name is once again dirt. It's been that way since I was a child and it will ALWAYS be that way regardless.
I call my father on a regular basis to see how he is. I called my mother the day he had surgery and she ignored my calls until later that evening where she lied about why she didn't call me.
This is where a lot of my emotional eating came from, the constant drama and her always finding a way to get "back" at me for some reason. She did the same thing to me as a child and it continues now, except she has to do it from a distance since I no longer burden her with my presence. Apparently she is not happy about that either, so I lose either way.
Regardless, I try to let my father know that I am concerned and I keep up with calling him often although they don't call me. I resign to the fact that I am the horrible daughter/cousin, niece, sister, etc. to everyone because I don't allow my mother to abuse me.
Member Comments About This Blog Post
Honeymuffin - So sorry for the loss of your mother. I am sorry that you are/had to go through this type of family drama like me. It is so painful and hurtful, and just when I think I'm "okay", I get hit with zingers from out of the blue.
My family drama will never be over as they love it (and I avoid it and stay away from it), but it somehow gets directed my way once I make a little contact with my father it seems.
I knew this would happen once I got word of his colon cancer and I knew that I wouldn't be able to avoid the drama for long once I got involved somewhat. I really don't understand why people (particularly blood relatives) get so much pleasure from creating pain and drama. I can only accept that it will never change and try to avoid them as much as possible whether my lack of participation is believed to be lack of caring (which I know they try to project onto others regarding my lack of coming down there) . There's nothing I can do to prevent that, but it still bothers me a lot.
1920 days ago
I'm not the only one that has this issue. I'm sorry. For you I wish I was. Its a hard one. My Mom passed away two years ago. While taking things to family members and her friends that she wanted them to have, I found out so much. I found they did not think badly of me like I was lead to believe by her. I found I was thought of has loving, caring, and over all wonderful. This from her closest friends and my aunt.
By losing my Mom, I found an Aunt that treats me like her own. We are two peas in a pod now that we get to talk directly without any interference.
A bit about my Dad. He is married to my Stepmom as been for 30 years. She is the problem?. Or is it him because he allows it?. We don't get along. I take the good times as rare as they are to hang on too. I try to let the rest go. I will never have a day to my Dad alone again. I've had to accept that and go on. There are days when it gets me down.
All we can do it teach our kids to do better than their grandparents.
1921 days ago
Fififrizzle - Yeah, I've already thought of doing that. I've got to get some things done here first and find out a day that my father won't be at the doctor's office and will be home alone.
I've always told my husband that I don't plan to return down there unless things change and I've given up on that ever happening because it won't. There's never an apology (although I've apologized for things I didn't even do just to try to get back halfway in their graces) and I'm still treated like trash no matter what.
My father's cancer diagnosis hasn't changed them at all and nothing will. I've accepted that and that is why I am adamant about not going to visit them (mother/sister) ever again unless there is some emergency or similar situation.
1924 days ago
Thanks again all of you! Your support makes it much more tolerable (if there is such a thing, LOL) to put up with the constant "drama" in my family. I really don't understand why they get so much pleasure out of hurting me, but apparantly it has been a highlight of their lives.
I'm really not concerned if my mother/isister are upset that I didn't come to visit, it's the other people in my family that were insinuated to me were disappointed and shocked that I didn't come. They have NO idea what I have gone through with my mother ever since childhood (or maybe some of them do, but choose to ignore it) and why I don't visit anymore.
It's easy for my mother/isister to push the idea that I just don't care and that's the reason, which is 1000 miles away from the truth. I'm not allowed to explain anything and give my side of the story because it's them ganged up on me and who would believe me anyway?
That is really what had me so upset yesterday, worrying that people I really care about in my family think so little of me because of my mother. It's almost like she's trying to make sure that her comments to me growing up that people hated me, come true.
1924 days ago
Forget about the drama & focus on your needs!
1925 days ago
Your dad misses you and wants to see you, and it sounds like you want to see him too. Here's a thought: I know it would be a long day, but could you make, say, a lunch date with him, and meet him away from the family and just have some time with the two of you? Is it possible for him to visit you, or for you to meet halfway somewhere? No one else needs to know anything about it, you are both adults after all. Then you cut out all the rest of the family stuff and have some special time just for the two of you.
1925 days ago
hang in there girl... you are amazing and have learned so much along the way and have become so very strong... your kids learn by your example and they will not become doormats!
1925 days ago
I hope to go down in the near future while my mother is at work and I don't have to endure seeing her. I'll bring the kids with me (we homeschool) and just drive down there when I know they won't be at home and he'll be alone.
Thank you all again for the support, I really hate having access to knowing what is being said about me, although I knew it without being told anyway.
I keep the lines of communication open with my dad for sure and he has to know that I care by all the calling I do.
1925 days ago
You guys are so awesome. Thank you SO MUCH for your support. I really hate being thought of in the manner that I know my other family members think now. I don't really care at this point what my mother/sister think of me, it's the others that bother me.
It hurts to know that they think I'm the person that my mother/sister have concocted in their minds and because I don't live down there and don't visit, I can't convince them otherwise.
1925 days ago
Don't let the family stress bother you. I know what you' re experiencing first hand. I too had to go through this with my dad. My mom and siblings actually did not want me around my dad when he was ill. He ended up in the hospital and refused to let them visit him. I was the only one allowed. Boy, were they upset with me. Your dad is the most important part of this equation and if you can, continue to keep the lines of communication open with your dad. My dad eventually got better and went home from the hospital. He died in 1992 and I stopped visiting the family home.
It was almost three years after daddy died that my presence was finally requested and I started going to visit my mom. I called her everyday and sometimes we talked, but the level of love never returned until my sister and brothers could not get from my mom like they used to do. When mom became ill I was the one to take care of her the most. I was treated poorly and because of my stubbornness. My siblings still disliked me .It was me and my kids that were there for my mom in her last days.
Family drama is the pits and it will cause your health to decline. You mentioned it has already affected you to the point of emotional eating. Take care of yourself so you can take care of others. You are special! I hope this helps to know you are not alone and that somebody cares for you. don't let other people determine the altitude of your attitude. Just keep on loving and being the greeat daughter, aunt, cousin, niece that you are. Others will see your value. Let's just hope it not too late and they end up needig you to care for them.
1925 days ago
I am so sorry you have to go through this with your mom and sister. From someone who also knows a little something about family drama, it is the worse. You are right though, at some poiint you have to say enough is enough. Continue to keep in touch with your dad as you have been. And if he is ever hospitalized again, I would seriously consider going regardless of the other family members. Life is way too short. Don't allow others to determine when and if you see your dad. You have a right to be at his side when he is going through so much. Hang in there my friend.
1925 days ago
Comment edited on: 4/19/2012 11:19:45 AM
I believe that you are doing the correct thing in protecting yourself as much as possible from the unkindness (at best) of family members. Calling your Dad is the best thing you can do - in doing so it lets him know that you care & it lets your other family members know that you aren't going to let their hurtful attitudes & ways rob you of a connection to your own father.
You are so correct in that you will be criticized whether you go there or not, so it is best to save yourself the face-to-face “attacks”, as well as the expense & hassle of travel.
If your father is hospitalized in the future you might wish to consider going down without letting other family members know & slip in to see him when family members aren’t present. Also, in the event that he is hospitalized again & your calls are not being returned – just call for an update on how he is doing from the nursing staff – explain that you are concerned because your mother hasn’t returned your calls.
God bless you, precious EE Teammate.
1925 days ago
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