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My husband lost his leg.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

I haven't been able to talk about this until now and I'm not even sure I'm ready. But i need to share this story in the hopes that it will reach someone who maybe isn't taking their diabetes seriously or has a loved one in the same situation I'm in. Or maybe just thinks they're alone. Like I do.

My husband had his leg amputated. Because of type 2 diabetes. Because he didn't stop it when he was told he could. Because I wasn't vigilant enough or strong enough or something to save it. To make him ok. He lost because things got out of control so fast and no one really knew how to stop it, no one gave us the info until it was far too late. But I should have found out. I should have known, you know?

Now we're living a new reality of wheelchairs, bedside urinals, IV treatments, nurses, PT, doctors, surgeons, guilt, pain, self recrimination. I should have known. I'm his wife, it's my job to protect him and watch over him. It's what I do for those I love. But I failed.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WVROSE1 4/20/2012 8:54PM

    Sending hugs and prayers to you and your family in this difficult time. Try not to be so hard on yourself! It is not your fault!

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DIANEDOESSMILES 4/20/2012 12:38AM

    HI Hon,,, the guilt one feels is often so overwhelming huh? But where the gult comes from can be discovered in so many ways, if you PLEASE , PLEASE go into therapy and discover how to deal with this, and why the guilty feelings hon. Others have said it, yet I know "one saying it" does NOT change it huh? They can say ALL THEY WANT and yet, that does NOT change it??? if its a deep seated guilt, your sitting there,,,shaking ur head,,, and saying "They do NOT understand !!" maybe with anger? Or a deep seated saddness?

Hon,,,you know,,,I am facing things, which are not pleasant in the long run,,,,,, we shall see, its not final. I have 2 more steps first to go thru. If it goes thru,,it goes thru,,,and I'll deal with it. At least I "know whats to come" and its NOT a shock to me. For H though and yourself, the kids, it IS a SHOCK !!! U were NOT talked to first, and there was NO real shocking warning, such as I am getting now.

In time,,,,everything settles into a routine. It may not seem so, cos its ALL UP INTO the AIR right now, as you get used to it, and its SO HARD ON YOU !!!! And that is NOT FAIR TO YOU !! and lets face it,,,ITS NOT FAIR !!! If you are angry,,thats JUSTIFIBLE !!! I'd be ALSO !!!! I KNOW I would be. I know hon,,he had given up,,,,has this shocked him now, into wanting to follow his diet, take his meds correctly,,,,,excerise properly? Or is he still depending on YOU to do this? He's a grown up. I also am going to tell Al ALL about this !! For he's NOT following his !!!! I HOPE this will SCARE HIM, but I GUARANTEE YOU this WILL NOT DO SO !! Hon, some peeps NEED to learn the hard way !!!!!!! For myself,,, did it start out with the diabetes? I can't answer that. Its a contributing factor, but there are sooo many others, that do which are WAY beyond my control. The diabetes is TOTALLY under control. I DID MY BEST TO DO SO. Notice that and reread that " I DID *MY*,,again *I* did *MY* best ,,,,,, it was UP TO ME as an adult to get it under control. As grown ups,,,, we can choose to put food into our mouths, no one is spoon feeding us hon. Does that make sense? Someone can put ALL the "healthy food" in front of me,,,,and have ONLY Healty food "in the house" , but on the way to work, Dr appts, or just to go out,,,,I WILL SEEK JUNK FOOD "IF* notice theese words *I CHOOSE TO" again *IF I CHOOSE TO" same with ANY Diabetic. We are ALL AWARE of the dangers. Unless we are mentally incapable of making a rash decision, and need to be in an assisted living situation, in which we can't even shower on our own, and hence not able to drive. Other wise, if we can leave the house on ow n,,,,, WE ,,,notice *WE* make *OUR OWN * again *WE MAKE OUR OWN* choices. Mine was TO LOSE the 100 lbs. It was HARD ! VERY HARD !!! I went into therapy to face my issues to do so. It was UP TO ME to face them,,,as you see with the contestants on the Biggest Loser,,,if your overweight,,,theres an EMOTIONAL reason behind it,,,I needed to do.

Hope this helps hon. I hope it helps you to see,,,, it more clearly,,,,,though you may still say "its my fault",,,its his fault,,,,, unless you spoon fed him,,,,, withheld his meds etc. I know in our talks of your loving concern instead. I CARE SO MUCH !!!!!! Please let me know how you are doing !!!! how I can help you as the team goes.

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MARTHAR3 4/19/2012 11:52PM

    I am so sorry that ya'll are having to go thru this. But you can not take the blame all on your self. He has to want to try. I was told I was diabetic when I was put in the hospital in December. I had to learn to eat and be responsible way. You can not make anyone do what they should if they don't want to. I see one of my sister in laws deal with this every few month her hubby gets a bone infection and he is insulin dependant. Has to have surgery to scrap the bone. He came close to loosing his lower leg a few weeks back.
My love and prayers are with you & your family. But remember he has to want to. No mattter how much you try he has to help himself too!!!

Hugs Martha n TX
closest thing to a little angel I could find to send you comfort & support.
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PINKNFITCARLA 4/19/2012 11:39PM

  emoticon I too agree with the others. This is in no way your fault! We all make our own choices, even knowing the dangers. Only we can help ourselves, especially when we have answers and the ability to make other choices and changes. emoticon

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JAMER123 4/19/2012 11:32PM

    I am so sorry for you and your DH!! First and foremost, as others have said before me, you are NOT to be blamed for his loss. Diabetes can be very insidious and the medical staff sometimes can't get a handle on the rapid changes that can occur. Please, DO NOT blame yourself. Your husband needs to be accountable for any actions he took while knowing the effects it would have on him. My dad was diabetic and wouldn't follow his diet plan. He chose to eat what he wanted, the amount of activity he wanted to do and do things his own way. That being said, there is a lot of help you can get and many tools to assist your DH. Great medical resources are there. Talk with the surgeon and physical therapists working with your DH. Is he a Vet? Call the Disabled Vet. org., American Legion or VFW in your area as there is a lot they can do to help with equipment and info for him.

Thinking of you and say a prayer for you both. There will be challenges but you CAN do it. Meet each one one day at a time. Blessings!!!
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DAWNFIRE72 4/19/2012 10:30PM

    I'm so sorry that diabetes has caused so many problems for your husband and you. Please try not to blame yourself. Sometimes even the most diligent watchers unfortunately lose limbs to this awful disease.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

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NADINEL 4/19/2012 9:52PM

    I am so sorry that your husband lost his leg, I truly am, but he must take responsibility here. I know you feel awful for him. Its a grieving process for both of you.
Your part now is to get as much information as you can about his current condition and share it with him. He need to learn how to do things differently. He still has diabetes and still must manage it from here on out. His life is changed and that also impacts your life. I do know and I do care.
I am going to pray for you all. ((((HUGS)))). Nadine


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HEATHERSUEM 4/19/2012 9:05PM

    I'm so sorry. I know it's hard not to blame yourself. I think I probably would in the same situation. But, you can't go on blaming yourself. I don't know if you're a Christian or not, but I want you to know that God loves you and has a plan for you. It may not seem like it right now, but He really does. It may seem like things are out of control, but God is always in control. I'm praying for you and sending you lots of love and hugs. emoticon

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IOWAGRAMMA 4/19/2012 8:35PM

    Sending you lots of warm thoughts and well wishes! Please know that you are not alone and there is help for you as well as your husband out there! It truly is NOT the end of the world and he still has an opportunity to take charge and make the best out of a bad situation. Sending you lots of hugs and love, Jeannie

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MKPRINCESS007 4/19/2012 6:52PM

    Oh, I am SO sorry! I agree with everyone else that posted that it is NOT your fault. Nevertheless, you are feeling overwhelmed and stressed. Completely understandable. I would really urge you, and I say this with all the love in my heart, to seek out and be a part of a support group in your area so that you can feel the support and love of others who have or are going through this difficult and challenging experience.

If you need to talk, please feel free to send me a message.......

Karen

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DOTTIEJANE1 4/19/2012 6:04PM

    I strongly agree with fellow sparklers THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT . A grown person make there choices , and answers for them . PLEASE take time for you and your emotions so you can take care of DH , and family . GOD BLESS you and your husband and all involved .

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WENDYSPARKS 4/19/2012 6:03PM

    It is not your fault...do not put the blame on yourself...we cannot control everything.

Wendy emoticon

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LINDA! 4/19/2012 5:49PM

    I am so sorry. Praying for him and for you as you help him.

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YATMAMA 4/19/2012 5:48PM

    I'm so very sorry to hear this. Please, my friend, do not enable your husband to refuse to take personal responsibility for his own body. He is a grown man and knew the choices he was making were dangerous. You cannot, absolutely are unable to make decisions for other people. Guilt is as destructive as diabetes, if not more so. Do not allow yourself to take responsibility for something that was not your doing. I'm sure there are plenty of things you are responsible for that can feed your guilt machine if you are determined to let it reign supreme in your life. Don't borrow guilt from others, though. It is a worthless emotion and will bring only harm and destruction your way. God is able to make ALL things work together for our good, even this amputation and the "new normal" your family must now face. I believe that with all my heart because it is God's word. The greatest gift you can give your husband is to be healthy yourself, to live well, without the baggage of guilt or excess weight or anything else that is destructive. At the end of the day, you can only make choices for YOU. God said I have set before you life and death: Choose life. Please, my friend, choose life so that your children will know how to make wise choices and LIVE. If you do that, I truly believe your husband will also have hope for the future. My prayers and thoughts are with you.

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FUTUREHOPE49 4/19/2012 5:22PM

    I am so sorry to hear this! Thank you for sharing.
There was nothing you could do! Its not your fault! Don't blame yourself!
People do recover well from this operation! They get used to the disability and move on. I hope now that your husband will make sure his diabetes is under control. He has choices to make and I hope he makes them wisely.
This is a wake up call for me as my DH and I are both type 2. He does not eat wisely. I told him about your husband, maybe he will sit up and take notice. He doesn't listen to me! LOL!
Its not your fault. You are a loving caring lady and you did your best!
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Ellen

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JUSTJOSS 4/19/2012 5:13PM

    I agree with our fellow sparkfriends ... please do not blame yourself. I know we all feel a sense of responsibility for those we love, but the bottom line is it was ultimately up to him to make the changes he needed & he was unable to.

Thoughts & prayers are with you. I am so sorry you all are going thru this & I thank you for sharing your story.

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SHANTODD420 4/19/2012 3:15PM

    Hugs stop blaming yourself you can not help a loved one if they do not want help. It will be okay and you did not do this to him. Take care and remember we have to take care of ourselves as well as others.

Shannon

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USMAWIFE 4/19/2012 2:27PM

    YOU DID NOT FAIL ANYONE, especially yourself.

There is a saying "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink" In this case you, the doctors, everyone has told your husband about all the problems associated with having type 2 diabetes and yet he continued to not listen to any of you. You did EVERYTHING you could but in the end it was up to him to take charge of his own medical condition. Heaven forbid anything had happened to you and he continued on this path, Could have been a lot worse.

So now you say prayers that he is still alive, and prayer that this will be the wake up call HE needs to start taking better care of himself.

For you I know this is really difficult being the caretaker, but hopefully after time, he will adjust and you will have to give him some of his own care to deal with and you need to step back a bit and take care of you. WIthout you, he is going to not listen.

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MTNGRL 4/19/2012 2:15PM

    Oh my gosh, I am so sorry that your hubby has lost his leg. I can't even imagine the way this is going to effect his every day life. But for sure it is not your fault.
We are all responsible for ourselves. You no doubt did everything you knew how to do and yet even if you had done nothing this is really not your fault.
I understand tho in a way how you would feel like you could have prevented it. I think we all feel that way about something when it first happens but when you have time to look back and think on this you will see that you did your best.
I blamed myself on the day my first DH drowned many years ago but looking back I had no control of that ocean wave that knock him out. I didn't make him lose consciousness, and you didn't make your DH lose his leg.
So now it is time to adjust, be joyful that your DH is here with you and learn the skills you both need to travel down this new turn in the road of life.
Hugs!! Love you!!

Comment edited on: 4/19/2012 2:17:23 PM

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LITTLE_QUEEN 4/19/2012 12:47PM

    IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT, PLEASE STOP BLAMING YOURSELF, HE KNEW HE HAD DIABETES AND HE ALSO HAS TO BE THE ONE WHO IS THE MOST DILIGENT,

I AM SAYING THIS BECAUSE I TOO HAVE DIABETES AND I HAVE MESSED UP MY EYESIGHT, MY EYES HAVE BEEN SLOWLY FAILING AND ABOUT 3 WEEKS AGO I WOKE UP AND MY BETTER EYE LOST IT'S SIGHT, I JUST BASICALLY SEE SHAPES NOW, HENCE I AM WRITING IN CAPS AND HOPING I DON'T MAKE MANY MISTAKES, I KNOW I COULD HAVE BEEN BETTER, I SHOULD HAVE KEPT MY SUGARS LOWER, I SHOULD HAVE TAKEN MY INSULIN BETTER, I FEEL FOR HIM AS I KNOW THE PAIN OF LOSING SOMETHING, I ALSO KNOW THAT MAYBE HE WILL BE SHOCKED ENOUGH NOW AS I AM WITH MY EYES THAT WE WILL NOW TAKE BETTER CARE OF OURSELVES AND WE CAN STAY ALIVE, THIS , I HAVE BEEN LIVING MY LIFE IN TEARS BECUSE OF MY EYES, AND YOUR BLOG TOUCHES ME, I AM CRYING NOW AS I WRITE THIS, I WILL KEEP YOUR FAMILY AND ESPECIALLY HUBBY IN MY PRAYERS, I TRULY FEEL FOR HIM, I KNOW IT IS ALSO HARD ON THE CAREFIVER, I AM SO RELYING ON MY HUBBY RIGHT NOW AND I HAVE BEEN SO SCARED TO BE ALONE LATELY, KEEP YOUR CHIN UP, I KNOW IT IS HARD, BLESS YOU BOTH

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GRANNYSUE9 4/19/2012 12:43PM

    I agree that you are NOT at Fault!! I am sorry that you DH lost his leg! That is a terrible thing to have happen. He is a grown man and he makes his own choices. I am trying to avoid having diabetes and this kind of post makes me want to work that much harder because I do not want to join the group of people with diabetes. Thank you for posting. I will keep you and your DH in my prayers.

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IMNAHA 4/19/2012 12:19PM

    My FIL lost his leg to type 2. and It was hard. But then you have to realize he was a full grown man at 72. Now matter what his wife or friends said or did for him. HE made the choices. Now all there is to do is help and add lots of love.It isnt your fault.

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YAFENELRA 4/19/2012 12:00PM

    You are not the fault. Each of us are responsible for our own and I have read your blogs in the past and know you did what you could. It will work out, I am sure. It is a lesson learned, a hard one but one learned all the same. I am sure he will be more diligent with his diabetes now. Give him a hug and one for yourself as well.

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SASSYTHING52 4/19/2012 11:54AM

    aww dont think you failed im so sorry to hear you will be in my prayers dont look back emoticon

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SUECHRIS50 4/19/2012 11:24AM

    I remember my girlfriend blaming herself for her husbands car accident!Get where im going?Honey,you are no more responsible for his amputation than, my 8 year old friend is for having cancer.Move on and live on he will adjust and so will you!Good Luck!

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DONNAEDA 4/19/2012 11:21AM

    please don't blame yourself. You don't live in a vacumn, there are other people out there that could have, should have, would have helped if they knew, cared or even thought too.

Live in the present and don't look back on what could have, should have if only I wold..........................
<
BR>My prayers are with you to look to the future and live in the present. At least you have your hubby, take care of him. Remember you are not his mother nor are yo God, you can't cure, yes you can provide a good enviorment but in the final end your hubby must care enough for himself to make himself healthier.

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ITS_MY_TURN_NOW 4/19/2012 11:00AM

    YOU DID NOT FAIL!!!
You can't control everything. Sometimes we make choices that are not good for us, or we are not sure what to do when doctors tell us we need to change things. The changes seem overwhelming. Please don't beat yourself up. You don't deserve it and it won't help. I am so sorry that you and your husband are going through this. I will keep you both in my thoughts and prayers. Take care and please be kind to yourself.
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Julee


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LAINIESNEWLIFE 4/19/2012 10:59AM

    I'm so sorry to hear this news. I have read past posts you have made on the subject of your husband's diabetes. I know you have tried hard to take care of him and get him back on the right path. Please don't blame yourself. I have Type 2 Diabetes. I'm working on getting healthier, but there was a time that I didn't care even though I saw my mom die from the disease. As a wife, you can only do so much. You can be there for your husband and encourage him and try to get him to eat right and exercise, but it is up to him to follow the advice of the dr.'s. It's too bad that advice came to let. The important thing now is to get your husband on the road to recovery and to work on getting healthy so there are no more other issues. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Take care!

Hugs,

Lainie

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MINDYJ1 4/19/2012 10:57AM

    Oh honey don't blame yourself for this. Diabetes is an awful disease. I am sure you took very good care of him. As much as you love your family, you can't always make them do the things that they need to do for themselves. I know I have been there. Not diabetes but other health issues with loved ones. You and your hubby just have to move on from here. I will be keeping you and your family in my prayers. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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BARBARAROSE54 4/19/2012 10:53AM

    So sorry to hear this. But you need to stop beating yourself up over this, it's not your fault. emoticon

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NANFACEMIRE1 4/19/2012 10:30AM

    You did not fail your husband or anyone else. You did what you could do when the doctor advised something to be done. Sometimes we do everything the doctor says and it still doesn't have a good ending. Don't beat yourself up......he is still with you. The road ahead will be tough, but emoticon and so can Hubby. I will keep both of you in my prayers. Just do the best you can each day because that is all any of us can do. emoticon emoticon emoticon

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PIXIE-LICIOUS 4/19/2012 10:09AM

    I am so, so sorry that this happened. I know this has been a concern of yours for a while. Please don't blame yourself, you did all that you could. You are not a failure. I pray that someone who needs a wake up call will read this blog before they are in the same situation as your husband. I am also praying for you and for your family.
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AMIGWEN 4/19/2012 9:38AM

    Please don't feel that way. I know you think you let him down but you didn't. I have diabetes and have fallen off the "healthy" wagon a few times. NO ONE could get me back on it. I had to do it myself. My aunt had kidney failure and was on dialysis three times a week because she let her diabetes go unchecked. By the time she started to comply with the doctors it was too late. She didn't lose a limb. But she did give up. Two springs ago she decided she no longer wanted to deal with diabetes, shots, dialysis, CHF and a few other health problems that plagued her almost her entire adult life ... so she stopped her dialysis. Three days later she died. It is a sad situation to see someone give up like that but no matter what we said we could not stop her. She made up her mind to do what she was going to do - or not do what she didn't want to do - and there wasn't a thing any of us could do.

While your lives have changed forever, hopefully he will understand that diabetes is called the silent killer for a reason! He needs to be diligent in checking his sugars and eating right. HE needs to take responsibility for his medications, following the orders of the doctors and taking care of his health. Of course he will need your help with food preparations and probably a little (or more) nagging to keep him on the right path... but help him so he won't just give up. It is something people can and do live with!

I wish you both the greatest and hope this troubled time passes quickly with a few lessons learned and remembered. If you have any questions or just need someone to vent to feel free to inbox me! :) I'm constantly on SP!

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ANDREWMOM 4/19/2012 9:27AM

    I hope the best for you both... you did not fail. Never think that. You can not control everything....

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