I've been M.I.A for awhile. I keep trying to make a comeback, my head has been able to bob up to the surface on occassion only to sink back under the waves of overwhelming emotions.
Here I am, on my official weigh-in day and I am 10lbs heavier than I was 3.5 weeks ago. Why? Addictions and Choices!
At first I was thinking the addiction wasn't mine but that I was only making bad choices in dealing with someone else's addictions. Well, I was wrong.
Easter Sunday I received a panicked phone call from someone letting me know that a loved one had OD'd and they didn't know what to do. I hurried over and saw a sight I hadn't seen before. My loved one stumbling around, mumbling non-sensical words, bumps and bruises all over the body from many falls and incapable of doing anything for themself. We made the decision to go to the ER.
I spent 7 hours that day sitting there, worried about this person. Going over their life and seeing a pattern of addiction and hoping, praying, that this time would be the rock bottom that would spur a change.
Since that day I have been closely involved in the daily life of my loved one. Giving support to them and their spouse in this very difficult trying time, making appointments with counselors, doctors and even attending some of those appointments.
The day after Easter I was able to somewhat stay on track. I didn't eat 100% on plan but the stress of it all did lead me to do three different workouts on my treadmill, an escape, where I cried as I walked.
I've allowed those feelings of stress, overwhelming worry and chaos to take over, derail me and pull me under. During the past 10 days of much thought I've realized that my loved one is not the only one with an addiction, I am an addict too!
Three days ago I was invited to sit with my loved one, their spouse and a spiritual advisor for a 2.5 hour counseling appointment. Were we there for them? Because I really felt most of the counsel was given for ME! Things I needed to hear to pull me off my trail of destruction!
Oh, I'm not being destructed by alchohol, and there is no addiction to nicotine or pot or perscription drugs or even to street drugs. My drug of choice is much cheaper and readily available than any of those and it's socially (and legally) acceptable. My addiction is to food!
I heard my loved one say that it wasn't the taste or the smell that set off the addiction this time around. It wasn't sought out because of any craving. It was used because of feelings, emotions and wanting to feel better and make those go away.
Do those feelings, emotions, or situations that brought them on truly go away after succumbing to the drug of choice? NO! Not only do they NOT go away but things are worse, usually drastically so!
So food, specifically sweets and peanut M&M's, were sought out on my part. Did I seek them because they taste good? NO! Well, they do taste good but I've known they taste good for the last 15 weeks but have been able to stay away. Just like my loved one, I took those foods to escape, to feel better! Did they make me feel better? NO!
As the past 10 days went on I saw my healthy habits slowly slipping away the longer I caved into my drug! The first day I justified a little bit, just to add a little enjoyment to my day BUT I did do 90 minutes of workouts. The next day my workouts were drastically decreased but the sugar increased (I specifically went to the store hunting for 50% reducsed Easter sweets). And now, looking back at my week and getting ready to log in for my BL challenge I realize I haven't exercised at all! Not one minute of cardio, not even a squat (well except the ones I do while unloading the dishwasher). The sweet taste of my drugs no longer hold enjoyment. The true sweetness is only appreciated after the first few bites after that the taste is almost non-existant and it becomes just the action of eating. My drug choice, after 10 days of increasing doses, has left me 10lbs heavier, made me feel physically sick and has facilitated a lazier even more depressed attitude than before.
Did I truly think a LARGE back of M$M's would give me the energy and strength to deal with life? NO! But a 30-60 minute workout would have!
It all comes down to choices. Addictions are there, they are reality and MANY deal with them in their various nasty and ugly forms. But I DO KNOW that I AM STRONGER than an addiction! Is an addiction easy to break? No but it can be done!
My loved one has a serious addiction but it can be broken by choices. Choices:
*to stay away from where those things are
*to continue visits with doctors and counselors
*to attend an addiction program
*to admit there is a problem
*to seek help from his spiritual advisor and loved ones
But more importantly
*to WANT there to be a change
My addiction to food can also ONLY be broken by my choices. Choices I have to make daily, even hourly or by the minute. Choices:
*to keep my drug of choice out of the house
*to keep appointments with doctors and possibly counselors
*to seek help from my family, loved ones and friends (including Sparkers)
*to take on only what I truly and healthfully can handle
*to admit there is a problem
*to WANT to change
During this challenging time I admitted to my 13yo daughter that I was having a hard time staying away from bad foods. I said, "Why do I always turn to food when things get rough?" "Doesn't everyone?" was her response. Oh my goodness, what have I created? Another generation of food addicts?!!! "No", I quickly responded, "A lot of people turn to other things, exercise, reading, a hobby, etc... I'm working on being one of those other people." I hope that sunk in with her. But more than my words making that wanted impact it all comes down to her seeing my better CHOICES.
Sorry for the long post. I hope it made sense. I needed to write/post something for me to be able to work through this.