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No more Tears to Cry... Day 30

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Day 30 Confessions of a fat chick going.

Day 30 ~ it’s been a Rough ride, with Smooth days along the way.

I embraced my fears my concerns with myself, and I have now learned how to push pass the past and move on. Life is full of joy, laughter, and it doesn’t have to be all about the lows you have experience in your life.

I asked myself 1 very important question tonight.
And the question was… Why do I choose to live in the past?
And I sat here in my chair for a while thinking about that question I had asked myself. I sat there and I thought long and hard. I sat there and I thought long and hard before I wrote this blog and created this vblog.

I had to give myself an answer that I could live with. I didn’t want to sugar coat it; I just wanted to tell myself the truth.

Truth is: I never really believed in myself. I didn’t believe in the things I could do. Anger fueled me in my past, and depression took me under every time. I would cry over nothing at times, and found myself stressing over hard times – that at times weren’t hard times at all.
My soul spoke within me saying –you haven’t seen or lived hard times yet. What you put yourself through isn’t the real test of life –what you’ve seen or felt has been lived and felt by others. What you fear is feared by the same man and female, and if you keep on living like this –your life as you once knew it to be will never be or become.

If you carry on as if the world has stop turning and producing life – then you might as well close your eyes and die –because that’s what you are doing. You’re killing yourself off slowly –you don’t even know you’re dying inside –or do you know. Do you know you are letting this life GOD has giving you pass you by; because you are too busy living and recreating the past. You must learn from your past, but don’t bring it up daily, yearly, with every season that may come forth.

Live life to the fullest, understand the richness of life, and learn what life is. Enjoy yourself and be true to who you are as a woman who walks the face of this earth. Open your heart unto yourself. Don’t close that door. That door we all must walk through. A door that “I-We” call life.
Don’t close yourself off. That’s what my spirit shared with me –in my moment of truth and deep thoughts. Don’t close yourself off from life. Live it, become it, and feel it, most of all… Embrace it!

I thought I was embracing life all those years ago.
Then it came to me. I wasn’t embracing my life. I was just doing the best I could do. That wasn’t my best. That wasn’t my greatest. That wasn’t even a good ole college try. I’ve been half doing and walking around with my eyes close through doors I didn’t want to face head on with my eyes open. I would get up enough courage to do x, y, and z, but as soon as that courage runs out I lose all confidence and control. Something I must admit. I really never had it. Maybe I had an alter ego within helping me do the possible in my life. Maybe I created this “girl” not a woman, but a “girl” who feared things because she has been broken time and time again. And like every little girl –she goes into herself and closes her eyes to this life that is going on around her. I did a lot of that.

I can recall the many times I’ve closed myself off as a child.
I can even recall the times I’ve closed myself off as a woman.
I can even recall the times when I would just lay in bed with the shades pulled down, shutting off all the warmth and love of life; those feelings to be this and that stayed hidden – because I didn’t know how to bring life into my life.

I had life when I had that alter ego running the show.
That’s the only time I had life.
Wow! I can’t believe I admitted that truth.
Wow! I can’t believe how this journey has open up my heart and my eyes.

Wow! I can’t believe my growth!

I know you all are going to get sick and tired of these types of vblogs, but I love doing them because this is how I express myself. It’s different and creative, and I don’t think I need to talk all the time. I can just play a song and get my point across.

The photos I’m sharing are the starting “pics” of this journey of a fat chick going. And this isn’t the end of me or this blog/vblogs on my confessions.
Thank you all for your comments and watching and reading my blogs.

OH! Attention all non-hula hoopers… if you haven’t done this in a while. I strongly suggest you give it a try. I have muscle that ache that I never knew could ache. And my attitude is different. I have different essences about myself. I have more joy in my heart, and it’s only been 3 days. Really 4, but the first day stressed me out, but I did get a workout trying to hoop that light as air hoop. Now I can hoop that sucker. LOL!

~ Lynn-loves-Life
Have peace in your heart, and carry that peace everywhere you go.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Your words inspire me. emoticon emoticon
    2160 days ago
    Thank you.
    2160 days ago
    OMG Lynn! Makes me wish I knew you in person, girl. Thanks for opening my eyes. Girl you got my eyes watering over here and what you mean tired of these blogs...please!!! Sweetheart, for some of us because I cannot speak for all...YOUR ARE OUR INSPIRATION!!! Girl from the bottom of me, I so needed to read that because I'm off from work and I just eat and eat because my reason is I feel I don't have a life. Sista you make a sista feel good about herself...speaking for me. I've got confidence now, but there was a time when I just wanted to roll over due to my past. I've managed to put it behind me for awhile at times, but it's time it goes just where and what it was...THE PAST! We shall be happy and sad at times because we're only human, but as you've learned to let go. I'm claiming my FUTURE!!! Thanx Lynn
    2160 days ago
  • SIGMA1208
    Great video and blog......I can see myself in some of your dialogue and I think we all had a tendency to hide behind whatever we didn't want to face.
    2161 days ago
    Good morning. I never tire of your videos. I am blessed by your self revelations and am so blessed that you are figuring these things out before you are my age. I am just now waking up from making it through life and learning to live life. For the first time yesterday I put up pictures of me and my hoop on facebook. It seems like a simple thing but I worry about that people will think I'm a nut and I lay that down because the authentic me loves to hoop and I am learning to not be ashamed of or embarrassed by who I am. I hope that made sense.

    I love that your past is finding its place and that is not in the present. That you are learning how to embrace your now and shine in it. You are a beautiful spirit and you can do anything you chose to. You have abilities and drive that you are only just now tapping into. May all the toxic voices of the present and past be quieted. emoticon

    So glad you are loving your hoop. I just hit the six week mark and it is still just as fun. emoticon
    2161 days ago
    The person that it is the hardest to be honest to is ourselves. You have really been transparent with yourself and your spark family.Thanks for being so open and honest. We all need to take a hard look in the mirror sometimes. Kudos to you!

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2161 days ago
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