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One Step Forward, Ten Steps Back

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

I need help, Sparkfriends.

I'm slipping back into the abyss I emerged from not even a month ago. The one filled with depression and feelings of self-hatred and despair.

I am not normally one to air my private feelings in public. My coworkers get the "happy me." So do my parents. I rarely even talk to Eric about what is going on inside my head.

I've gotten to a point where I don't want to keep doing this to myself, but I don't know how to stop. I look for motivation on websites and in magazines, I come up with workouts to do on sunny days and rainy days. I set my alarm early so I can work out, only to hit the snooze button until the very last minute I can possibly be in bed. I fill my refrigerator with beautiful, nutritious food, and then I make frequent side trips to the store for binging reasons.

At first, my school work was doing well, but my health was suffering. Then my health was doing well, but my grades were slipping. Now both are doing poorly. And I feel helpless.

I feel so vulnerable posting this blog, but I am hoping there are people out there who can give me advice. In the very least, I hope there are people out there in a similar situation who can at least take comfort in the fact that they aren't alone.

Any comments are much appreciated.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I am wrapping my arms around you and giving a nice big hug. If it makes you feel any better I have some of the same issues. You are not alone.
    Peace Love Cherish

    2158 days ago
    And ps. grades are just grades. Happy you with a B average is better than miserable you and an A....
    2164 days ago
    If you are in school can you speak to the health center or your doctor? If you find that your options are limited for finding someone to talk to about your thoughts, they can find someone to whom you can talk in a non-judgement honest way. You must trust them and yourself to find iut the reasons why you are struggling right now. Seeking help in negotiating the games our mind plays on us is a very valuable thing to do. I wish you strength and luck on your journey.
    2164 days ago
    You need a weekend trip to Denver, STAT!

    Look, you are only human. And the abyss is not a nice place. Period. Focus on breathing. Inhale the future, exhale the past. Say it to yourself when you are really struggling. Or breath in 'let' and breath out 'go'. Just breath.

    Forgive yourself a little more, be a little more kind to yourself and the path that you are on. I know this cycle of beating yourself up for not being perfect in your weight loss or your workout routines - and I've learned that when I get there, it doesn't serve me. Let it go. Take a walk and enjoy it. Walk your dog. Hug your boyfriend. Start with those baby steps so that you don't get down when you aren't doing the crazy workouts you used to.

    Clean slate. Start again. Breath.
    2164 days ago
  • GINNY1215
    Wish I could give you a hug. I went through years of depression and emotional eating and binging. Like you I would have the public face I presented to others and the face of sadness and self loathing I had for myself. I wish I could tell you some big secret of how to get over all that. I did the counseling and medication route for starters. I no longer require either at this time. One thing that definitely helped me when I was not willing to share with those closest to me what I was feeling was journaling. I would keep daily journal entries with not only what I was feeling but what I was eating so I could look at patterns between my behaviors and the self medicating I was doing through food. I made a list of what my motivations were for losing weight and referred back to them frequently and made changes as new ideas occurred to me or deleted ones that no longer applied. I tried to look for other outlets for my emotions such as exercise, baking (had to give it all away), finding friends I was willing to open up to and reach out to, etc. Don't know if any of that is helpful to you but know you are not alone. Best wishes to you.
    2164 days ago
    I wish I had some magic advice to offer - but it's the same things you already know. Keep pushing forward - anything you do is better than doing nothing. I've been where you are, sometimes I'm still there. I have a thyroid issue so losing weight is very difficult, and over time I've had to come to terms with the fact that for every 10 pounds that I earn through eating right and hard exercise, MAYBE one pound will come off. It was hard to accept that, and even so, I still have my days.
    Motivation comes from within and not always on a predicable schedule, so I say forget motivation and stick to determination. Do it anyway. Be determined enough to be kind to your body through nutritious foods and lots of activity that motivation or lack thereof makes no difference!!
    2164 days ago
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