Tuesday, April 17, 2012
I had a dream last Saturday night that it was October. In my dream, I thought to myself "gosh, where did the year go!? And I haven't done anything about my health!?" That morning when I woke up, I realized that it's already mid-April, and I haven't done much other than maintain my weight, which I'll admit is much better than gaining.
I checked on sparkpeople to see how long it would take me to get back to where I was -in the 230-range. It turns out I could get there by July 23rd. Right then and there, I decided that yes, it's long way off just to get to where I was, but if I wait, that date will be extended even further.
230 is my '100-pounds lost' mark. Last year, also around July, I got down to 234 pounds. I was literally 4 pounds away from that goal, but then I plateaued, life events occurred, in which I felt very out of control. I ended up starting this year at 259 pounds.
I have been using my perceived lack of control get the better of me and my decision making. I am taking charge of this.
I ended up making a chart. It's a grid of 100 squares. One for each day, and they are dated from April 16th all the way to July 23rd. For every day that I stay within my calorie range, I put a smiley face in it. I can still eat junk foods, but the difference is I will eat them in moderation, and I have to track them. My daily caloric intake cannot exceed the limit set by sparkpeople.. I also printed up a paper that says "GOAL: 230 pounds by July 23rd!" and both of them are posted in my room to remind myself every day that I can do this.
I have been letting the stress of school, and the stress of living with my parents again be an excuse. An excuse to just let go. The reality is I haven't LOST anything but the apartment by moving in. I still have the knowledge that I had before I moved in.
I haven't weighed myself as it's only day 3 of my 100-day challenge, but I am not sure if I even want to weigh in. I want to just enjoy knowing that I'm staying within my calories. I want to enjoy the fact that I AM taking control of what goes into my mouth, and when it goes into my mouth. I'm tired of waiting, or being afraid.
I went to goodwill yesterday and tried some dresses on. I realized that my legs don't look as bad as I had thought they did. I'm not going to let that scare me fat again.
I know I can do this. I am awesome, and I am fully capable. I have to admit, I was partially not motivated because I'm too poor to buy the clothes that I want once I do reach my goal weight, but I realized something: I'm not always going to be in this financial situation. Some day, I will be able to go shopping, and while I probably won't be able to buy high priced designer brands, I will some day be able to go shopping, and when I do, I'm going to be glad that I kept this up.
I'm excited to get to 230 pounds and beyond.