Monday, April 16, 2012
I've noticed that I'm doing that more - chewing my tongue or the inside of my mouth.
And just today, I paid attention to why. I'm eating too fast. I'm eating out of stress, out of sadness, out of frustration, and out of a sense to control SOMETHING in my life.
I need an escape from work and from my environment and it really needs to not be food.
Work. Is there a short format? Probably not. For the near future and maybe the distant future, we're down a receptionist. We're down the grad admissions person. Our department head is retiring on April 30. On the upside, her replacement officially starts on April 30 and they're meeting up now. So we're short staffed, as the semester ends, but the work load doesn't decrease, especially from the office that forced us in to this position.
I'm also feeling trapped. That my job has suddenly become dead-end through NO fault of my own, but the shifting attitudes and policies of the aforementioned office.
So I eat.
I'm battling some health issues. My knee is good most days, but I'm sure it factors in. The other day it was catching/locking when I'd try to put weight on it and I actually sort of screamed in pain. But I'm okay, right? There are days when it's swollen, when the scar can't be touched, and I wonder how much time I've got left.
The bigger issue is the female health issues. The current treatment plan has me taking medication, daily, and it's not working as it should. It impacts my marriage and my sense of worth. Now that it's the off-pill week, I've realized HOW dehumanizing the whole process is. Dehumanizing. From the pain to the other ill effects and I feel terrible, because of what my body is doing.
So I eat. Too fast. Badly. I stock the house with the right things and... you know, I eat them before they go bad, but I also eat the sweets. There are some days when I try to not beat myself up about it, because it DOES NOT HELP. The negative self talk does NOT make anything better and I've refused to do it.
SO FRUSTRATED WITH EVERYTHING.
I need an escape. I need an out. I need a break. We have a trip scheduled for the end of May and it's up in the air, but I told my husband that if that trip doesn't work out, we ARE replacing it. Just... get me away. And let me win the lottery.