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What can I change today that makes me live for NOW

Monday, April 16, 2012

My wedding DRESS!

I haven't been on SPARK PEOPLE for over 52 days and even then it was only to update about my mother's health status. I feel very disconnected in my own weight loss journey and started calling this a diet..not a lifestyle. Amazing how life can throw you back in the the same old dull routines and bad habits. I have lost successfully over 200 pounds and have a long way to go, but I am BACK and I am going to work harder then ever to achieve my goals.

My mother passed away, March 10, 2012. It was a devastating moment in my life. Sadly, I had to be the one to ultimately pull the plug as people refer to it on my mother's life. This was a choice I never, ever, wanted to make and having to do so has brought so many emotions to the top of my life that I have been overwhelmed, frustrated, angry, and guilty all at the same time. I won't lie, I also feel relief. If you have never been through an illness with a loved one, you may not understand the relief I feel, however, if you have, then you know you are happy that the person is no longer suffering and that the weight of "when and what ifs" are over.

I spent my first holiday without my mom. Easter, one of my mother's favorites, I spent all in bed all day alone, mourning the loss of my mother. She wouldn't have wanted this, but I couldn't bring myself to get on with life or out of that bed. A couple of weeks ago I realized I was heading down the wrong path, yet once again and I went to see my doctor. For this first time ever, I can remember communicating to someone the REAL feelings inside of me. I told her how angry I have been and hateful to. She was not stunned as she deals with my major depression, but instead of me saying, all is okay, I laid it all on the line and told her what was inside.

She sent me to a partner in her medical facility, with whom I did not want to see. I was sure that no one could help me or understand what was happening to me. After all, I have been to so many do good doctors only to feel more exhausted then when I first entered treatment. Being a trained social worker and having worked in this field for sometime, I know how to play the system and say the right things, but why I did that, I haven't a clue. Why couldn't I be honest and explore what the heck was going on inside of my brain and the things that were eating me alive? Going to see this new person, Michelle, last week, I entered the office with an attitude. I knew she wasn't going to ultimately be my counselor so frankly I didn't give a damn what she thought of me. Again, this is the strange behavior I have possessed as of late. This is the anger, I don't know what to do with.

Michelle, having dealt with people like me on numerous occasions was ready for me. She had a case notes in a file she reviewed before I entered her office, so she already knew that she was dealing with someone who can't shake hands or be touched easily. She knew I would be angry and most likely uncooperative, because I told my doctor, I am only doing this for you. This is bull and won't help me. Welcome to my pleasant attitude.

Michelle sat down and I didn't bother to look at her, she gave me the space I needed to open up. I knew what she was doing, so I was careful and guarded and didn't want to play along. Then something happened. She started asking all the right questions. i was stunned, because she asked them so confidently like she understood what was happening in my brain. I would answer one question and she would draw another out of me and before long, I found myself telling the truth. NOT only to her, but to myself. I was amazed that anyone could ask questions so well and cut me right to the bone. I wasn't going to answer, but then the sensible Kristin came running back like a flood of a river and I wanted to know, what the hell was wrong with me.

Then came the diagnosis. I really didn't want to hear it, but I knew in my mind and heart, that I needed to hear this. I have been diagnosed with Bi Polar II and PTSD. The have advised me to have intense therapy and within the next few months I should have a much happier frame of mind. Also, they ordered a new medication to help stabilize the ups and downs of my life. I haven't a clue if it works yet, because it has only been a week since it was ordered for me and I have been taking it. She is increasing the dose, every couple of weeks until she finds something that will work for me and with my other medications. I only pray this helps. Normally, I would be ashamed of this, but you know what? I am NOT! I need the help and I am finally going to get it.

Living without my Mom has been so hard, the life changes are astronomical for me. I had no idea I would go through this much pain. With that said, I believe my mother is up in Heaven pulling strings to help me get out of my own head and follow through on this journey. I don't want it to end here. Although I feel good with my weight now, yes, I know your saying to yourself, no one can feel good at 303 pounds, you would be wrong. Being 536 pounds I felt hopeless, scared, afraid of living, alone, lonely, tired and so much more. I now have HOPE again, to have a normal life, whatever that may be.

Some AWESOME things in my life I want to SHARE!

1. I am getting the help I need through therapy and medications

2. I am able to put my mother's passing to peace

3. I am open to new things

4. I realize I am worth fighting for and getting back on track

5. and this is a shocker. I AM GETTING MARRIED!

I finally found a man who loves me for me. Inside out. He is kind, loving, and warm. He is body beautiful, but his brain is far more sexier then any other man I have ever met. He can speak, write and communicate 7 different languages. He is beyond intelligent and one of his favorite things to do is he thirsts for knowledge always. I love that about him. He is constantly thought provoking and teaching me new things daily. He is so funny and tries to make me laugh.

What I love about him the most is this...he understands me. He went to talk to a friend of his about me, because my insecurity can drive him crazy. He doesn't understand why I have it. I say, uh duh look at me and look at you. His response to that? Kristin, it is only weight, and we will train to get that gone, but your heart is so loving and kind, I have never met another like you and I want you to be my wife and you are already my goddess and I find you to be so beautiful. Please he tells me, see what I see. He always says, Kristin, find the good in you, and please love (his words and sweet name for me) use the white page. He means start fresh. His friend the counselor said to him, "drop Kristin, she has had to much in her life for you to understand and deal with and her trauma is from when she was a child."

How that man knew that, I don't know. I suspect my darling man really did listen when I talked and was able to describe some things to him. Instead of dropping me and moving on this wonderful man said to me and I quote, " Kristin, I am never going to walk away from you, never let you down, I told my friend, she needs me and I need to be there for her, she just needs real love and someone to count on."

OMG, even now I am crying. How could someone love me so much, even when I push so hard for him to leave me because I am sure I am not good enough for someone so intelligent and kind?

Before my mother died her and I had a long talk about this wonderful man of mine and she was worried I could get my heart hurt, but the night before her death she wanted and told me to be happy and gave me her blessing. It was her last words to me. I feel that God has sent me a gift and a blessing. And with my mother's approval I have accepted his marriage proposal.

I have so much to be THANKFUL for.

I have my health that I am regaining.

I have my children and family.

I have common sense to get my behind back to SPARK PEOPLE

I have awesome friends here on SP that stand behind me, support me, hold me up when I need it and push me to do my best and strangely enough, have not even once given up on me

and much to my happiness and surprise

I have the love of a good, kind and generous man.

Please meet my love of my life, Kareem. We will be married at the end of this year and my life will have changed so much in the two years I will have been on spark people. Everything is positive and moving forward.

We have to be in this life let's live it~ for the here and the NOW!

I am NOT NOW OR NEVER GIVING UP. Please come along with me on my journey of renewed faith in myself and in the life I hold so dearly.

I love you friends! I have missed each and everyone of you and I am back to support you. Please forgive my long absence and know that while I was gone each of you were in my mind and heart always.


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ERLYWA 6/13/2012 1:08PM

    I know I am very late in reading this blog, but am playing catch up after being gone from SP myself for quite some time....

Wow, this blog had me all over the place emotionally:

I am very sad for your loss of your mother; I am so sorry to hear this. I dread the day when I lose mine, so I can only imagine how difficult losing your Mom must be. My warmest thoughts are with you for peace.

Then I swelled with pride over your willingness to reach out for help! People say that those of us who utilize the tools of counseling and medication are weak; I say that we are the strongest of all! Because we know we need help and we go out there and get it. So don't listen to anyone who criticizes you for this-you are STRONG for getting the help you need. Only a strong person can open up their heart and soul like you did with that therapist; it is scary to be so vulnerable but by doing so, you found the help you really needed. Good for you!!

And then my heart sang for you finding the love of your life! I found mine about a year ago and had the very same struggles as you, "How could this smart (almost done with his PhD), handsome, kind, loving man love ME??" I too felt I didn't deserve him. But with his constant love and acceptance I was able to realize that I am worthy of his love. I am SOOOOO thrilled for you to have met the man who helps you realize YOUR worth, too. I can't wait to see the wedding photos of the happy couple! :)

Thank you for sharing so much of yourself in this blog, it was so good to read! And good for you for getting back've been missed! :)


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JFTODAY 6/10/2012 1:55PM

    Kristen, I was so moved by your post and extend my deepest sympathies for the loss of your mother. Mine died in 2007 and I feel that is when my weight got truly out of control.

I know what you mean about never realizing you could feel that much pain. Losing our parents is something that most of us will go through at some point because it is normally the natural order of things for them to go first. Yet there are no words to describe the void of waking up in a world where your mother no longer is.

I'm glad you had some time to have important talks with her and received her blessing on your upcoming marriage. I know those words will hold you up during the dark times of missing her.

Your weight loss success is amazing. I'm near the beginning of my journey. I know my mother would not be happy that I gained so much weight after she died. But shame only serves to hold me down, so I'm choosing to concentrate on today and take one day at a time.

Blessings to you.

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DFROMTX 6/3/2012 11:14AM

    Kristin, it was so good to hear from you again. I am glad you have found a life partner (he sounds great) & are getting help from what sounds like a good doctor.

I want to extend my sympathies to you in the loss of your mother. Mine has been gone 29 years, but I miss her every day.

Keep the faith & keep in touch on SP so we can keep up with you.

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PRINCESS1959 5/30/2012 10:09AM

    Great dress

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CHANGING-TURTLE 5/28/2012 10:57AM

    I am glad you are happy now. Sorry for the loss of your Mom emoticon emoticon

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LIZGILB 4/29/2012 11:11PM

    Kristen -Glad to see you back and Happy!! I was worried about you. You are an amazing person.

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MAVERICK59 4/26/2012 12:14AM

    I am happy for you. You deserve a good life.
God Bless.

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CARANN56 4/24/2012 7:17AM

    First of all - let me express my sincere sympathy on the loss of your mother. I know that is difficult no matter your age or circumstances.

Second - Congratulations on opening up and finding the right people to help you deal with your difficulties. What a great step you have taken.

Third - Congratulations on finding Mr. Wonderful. He sounds like a very caring, loving man.


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HONEYBEADS 4/22/2012 7:16PM

    May God bless you and give you comfort.
You are on the right track!

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TINNATEE 4/20/2012 5:04PM

    I am so sorry about your momma. I sincerely hope the drs/counselors are getting you the help you seek - it sounds like you are on the right track. Congrats on your relationship. You are a wonderful person and HE is very lucky to have you.

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SPARKLISE 4/19/2012 10:00PM

    Congratulations on finaly being honest with yourself and your doctor and for getting the help you needed.
No shame in that.
Hope you find hapiness you deserve with your new man.

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TRACYZABELLE 4/19/2012 5:14AM

    SO sorry for your loss.. At least you know she is at peace now. Best of luck to you in making your future so much better!

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HDANGELB4U 4/18/2012 10:15PM

    way to go sis hope you are on your way to making wedding plans and i hope to talk to you soon please keep me in th lop love you always

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NOTGIVINGUP49 4/17/2012 11:16PM

    The passing of my mother was THE hardest thing I have every dealt with. However, it was also the catalyst for my changing my life. You see I promised my mother before she died that I would be ok and that I would take care of myself. I have taken good care of myself and have changed my life. The only thing that saddens me about it is that my mother is not here to see my success.

Glad you are back on SP and have up coming wedded bliss plans! emoticon

Keep blogging and sparking daily! They are the key to success! emoticon

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BE-THE-CHANGE 4/17/2012 10:06PM

    Kristin, I am sorry for the loss of your mom. But I am so happy to hear that things have been going better for you. It sounds like you have found the right people to talk to.

Congratulations on your impeding wedding!

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COOKWITHME65 4/17/2012 8:13PM

    So happy to see your return to SP. So sorry to hear of your Mother's passing. I have been so worried about you. How fantastic that you found Michelle to help you with your healing. A blessing I believe sent from above. And my goodness your engaged! So happy for you! You never know what lies ahead of us. Like you said LIve life NOW!
Nicely put.

I will send you a private message in a day or two with regards to Bob. Thankyou for thinking of my Mom. She is doing well.

emoticon - Kristan

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    emoticon emoticon

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    You help me to find clarity in my life with the wisdom of your writings! May the pain from your loss lessen as time heals your heart. Missed you......

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FIERCE_FABULOUS 4/17/2012 1:59PM

    first of all, i want to offer my deepest sympathy to the loss of your mother. may she rest in peace. also, congratulations on your engagement! that is awesome!! your fiance is a HAWTIE! lol it is so great to be able to find true love and someone you can connect with like that. he sounds like a keeper! =) welcome back to SP, we are so glad you are here! emoticon

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DEE797 4/17/2012 12:00PM

    So sorry to hear about the loss of your Mom. emoticon I am happy to hear that you have found someone to share you life with. What wonderful news.

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LUCYLU22 4/17/2012 11:45AM

    My dear, sweet friend, I am soo very happy to see you back on SP ready to get to work again. I have been keeping you close to my heart these last few months. I am so sorry to hear about your mother's passing, you will be in my continued prayers. You have a heart of gold, and you deserve every happiness, especially a wonderful, loving man who thinks the world of you! Congrats to you both!

Here to cheer you on in all that you have already accomplished, and in all that you will accomplish in the future! May God bless you!

Love from your SP friend,

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BAYBELIEVER 4/17/2012 10:27AM

    Congratulations on the progress you have made in living the past 2 months! I am sorry for your mother's passing, but as you said, I also had to "pull the plug" for my mother. It is hard, but I knew it is what she would have wanted. And, she is now able to live a life un-encumbered by her physical limitations and her pain. I am so glad that you have had such good health care, both physical and mental, to move on and see that life is worth grabbing! I know you were already doing that, but you seem to have made such progress! You deserve to be loved so glad you are going for it!

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JAZZEJR 4/17/2012 10:19AM

    Your blogs are such a blessing--your insights are delivered with such clarity. You really should consider writing a book, with your social work background and wonderful writing skills, you could do a bang-up job. This one warmed my heart. Everything's coming up ROSES for you now, Kristin. Accept that and enjoy it!

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-POOKIE- 4/17/2012 9:57AM

    Im pleased you see hope in counselling, I found it one of the most reeing experiences of my life.

Im very happy to have turned my life around with counselling.

And Im happy for you too! Wonderful news!

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MILLIE5522 4/17/2012 7:34AM

    I am so glad that you are back! I have often thought of you and wondered how you were doing. My deepest sympathies on the loss of your mother. I know that there will be some tough times ahead and though I am unable to give you a hug in person I will be sending you many hugs in virtual form!

Congratulations on your engagement! He sounds like a great guy who will be able to give you a lot of love and support.

Love Sarah

emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CIVIAV 4/17/2012 7:11AM

    How beautiful, the sharing, the dress and Kareem! You are on the road. Keep on going gorgeous and know Mom is watching to see your happiness...

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    I'm sorry for your loss.

I just want to commend you for sharing your stuggles and diagnosis of Bipolar disorder and that's good that you are not ashamed of getting the help because that is nothing to be ashamed of, but something to be VERY PROUD of!

So many of us get swallowed up in our problems and we forget to LIVE in the present moment. Thanks for reminding us! :)

CONGRATS on fining love!!! :)

Comment edited on: 4/17/2012 2:59:20 AM

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TIRED49 4/17/2012 12:51AM

    So sorry for your loss. I know your pain as I lost my Mom 10 years ago and I still miss her so much.
Thankful that you are getting the help you need and congratulations are your engagement.
You deserve the best now keep after it!

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MANILUS 4/16/2012 11:36PM

    Sorry to hear for your loss of mom. Happy to hear you have found love! All the best in your continued success!!!!!!

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SERENEART 4/16/2012 10:32PM

    I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. My deepest sympathies and prayers. emoticon emoticon

Congratulations on getting in engaged to get married! He sounds like a great guy!

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GARDENQE2 4/16/2012 9:27PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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YATMAMA 4/16/2012 9:16PM

    I am so very happy for you, my friend. Know that my thoughts and prayers remain with you. *HUGEHUGS*

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MIAA382 4/16/2012 8:50PM

  best wishes i am so happy for you

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SUSIEPH1 4/16/2012 8:37PM

    Welcome back Kristen!.
Its lovely to hear from you ...
So sorry for the loss of your mother .. Our mothers are very special to us, and it is so sad to have them leave us ..I am sure she will be so happy for you that everything is working out really well.
Congratulations too for getting the help you need .. I am sure you will feel so much better really soon ..
How wonderful you have met the love of your life ..
I wish you both all the love and happiness you deserve ..
Hugs and Love Susie
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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    Kristen, I'm so glad you came back to us! I've missed you!
I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother.. But yes, I understand the difficulty of dealing with a loved one in pain as they are about to pass..

So proud of you for getting the help you need!

Congratulations on your engagement! WOW! That is amazing! Kareem says the best things to you and it sounds wonderful! I hope you two will be joyfully and happily married for many many years!

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MESS-MAY 4/16/2012 8:04PM

    If anything could get me out of the funk I managed to get myself into today, your blog could. It's an inspiration that I too can make all the changes needed to truly enjoy the positives in my life! Congrats on your engagement!

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ME_FIRST 4/16/2012 8:04PM

    I am very sorry for the loss of your mother. She was very lucky to have such a loving and kind daughter to care for her. Try to remember all the funny memories you must have of her and then you will smile.

Now, congratulations on all your other news. Kareem is very wise with his advice to use the white page. Of course, you are worth all the care and love that you receive plus more. You have a lot of friends here on SP, but you are also a very good friend to so many of us.

Let's keep moving forward to make this life something wonderful and joyful.


emoticon emoticon

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    Wow what a hottie fiance! Congrats and best wishes!

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ROADRUNNER1986 4/16/2012 6:55PM

    Kristen, you have been on a huge journey these last couple of months. I am sorry to hear about your mother and know she will always be with you. I am so happy for you that you went and got the help you needed. There is never anything to be ashamed of when your are trying to become healthier with your body and your mind. And Congratulations on getting married. Kareem sounds like a very nice man and he is lucky to have someone as sweet as you.

Jessica emoticon

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CINDHOLM 4/16/2012 5:36PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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FLPALM 4/16/2012 5:34PM

    Kristin, So sorry for your loss! My mother "met my Dad in Heaven" April 23, 2011, nearly one year ago, so I definitely understand.

Congrats on your wedding plans, and future! Things seem to be working in the right direction.

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BMCKEOW1 4/16/2012 4:05PM

    I am so sorry to hear about your mother. It's exciting to hear that you have hope though that things will get better. Keep with the counseling and keep your hope. Congrats on your up coming wedding, I'm planning mine right now which is in two months away. Let me tell you it's stressful but I'm so excited and I can tell you are to. Keep trying to find the positives and before you know it, you'll have to work to find the bad things.

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DETERMINED_SOUL 4/16/2012 3:30PM

    You have been on quite the journey these last couple of months. Kristin, I am sorry to hear about your mother. I will keep you and your family in my prayers, I understand what a difficult journey the next few months can be with out support. My family went through a very similar situation last Jan with my grandmother.

I am so happy for you. You have taken life and said I CAN and I WILL!!! emoticon on the engagement.

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PEARL-LADY 4/16/2012 3:05PM

    Short and sweet for now...Welcome back my friend! I knew you would eventually make your way here, back to us, we have missed you very much.
I think you know how much you have been thought of....we have been with you each step of the way in prayer and thoughts....Nice that you know feel Mum is at peace and sounds like you have a job on your hands getting ready for your wedding! Congratulations....many hugs...

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DENNETJ 4/16/2012 2:44PM

    all I can say is amazing--congrats all these things you have fought so hard for. He is right you are worth it.

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DENNETJ 4/16/2012 2:41PM

    all I can say is amazing--congrats all these things you have fought so hard for. He is right you are worth it.

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LGOTTO 4/16/2012 2:18PM

    Wow, Kristin. So sorry to hear of your loss, but so happy for you that you have found love and are getting married!!!!! I am so happy to see you on spark people again. I have been floundering and spark just isn't te same without you on here!!! I miss the conversations with you, and your wonderful blog posts. Your blogs always touch me and inspire me. You are such a wonderful writer. Other people just don't draw me in the way you do. Your writing just speaks volumes to me. So glad you are back, and congratulations on being engaged!!!

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NEWMOM20121 4/16/2012 2:16PM

    You sure have had a lot on your plate. I am praying you will continue to find the strength that you need to make it through each day.

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BESTCK 4/16/2012 1:54PM

    So sorry for your loss, but am grateful that the door has been opened to many more blessings for you.

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CRESHA20 4/16/2012 1:34PM

    Welcome back to sparking. You've definitely been through the ringer and back. I am glad that you are getting the help you need instead of continuing to let your emotions spiral any more out of control. You are very strong for getting the help. If I were in the same situation with my mom, I don't know how I would be able to handle any of the emotions. Way to keep moving forward in life and getting the help you need to deal. I'm glad that you are back.

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