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Life handed me lemons....I made lemon squares, lemon pie...

Saturday, April 14, 2012

And anything else lemony that was totally not good for me....

It has been just over 4 months since I split from my husband and after an initial *short* period where I didn't eat and thus lost weight, I swung to the total opposite end of the spectrum and ate like it was going out of style. I listened to a lot of Adele and Kelly Clarkson while sobbing into a bowl of ice cream or a slice of cake. I half-heartedly attempted to work out - but more often than not the most exercise I got was moving the fork to my face.

I have always been an emotional eater, I know that, and when times are smooth it is very easy to recognize the signs and behave differently. This period in my life, however, has left me breathless and overwhelmed, and there was no room for me to acknowledge or deal with it.

But I think I am ready now.

I think I hit my emotional bottom about 3 weeks ago, and had to finally recognize that I could no longer deal with things alone. It has always been hard for me to ask for help - I am the 'fixer', the one that people turn to when they have problems - but I finally did ask and am starting to feel like I can process my emotions and feelings much more effectively. Sometimes an outsider's view can really help change your perspective on things and help you shift your own thinking ... or at least that's what seems to be working for me now.

Next I need to regain the focus on my physical health. I know that when I eat right and exercise it make a difference to my emotional health. I've started running pretty consistently again (yay!), but I need to get back to the ST and cross-training. My great challenge right now, though, is that my ex and I still go to the same gym.... which means I generally do not want to go there to work out for fear of running into him. I've been thinking about switching back to my old gym; I hesitate, though, because I am trying to figure out what my true motivation for doing that would be:

1 - am I doing it for me?
2 - am I doing it because of him (my ex)?

If it's for me, then I feel good about the decision. If it's because of him, then am I just running away from the situation (ie seeing him at the gym)? I have flip-flopped about this for the past week now, and I just don't know what to do.... In all honesty, I am currently wasting my money with my existing gym membership so it would make financial sense to drop it. On the other hand, what if I have just been using the whole "I don't want to run into him" scenario as an excuse to not work out? What if go back to my old gym and I still don't go?

Is this a situation where I am sabotaging myself because I don't feel worthy of health and happiness? He made me feel I projecting that onto myself once again? I don't want to give him power over me anymore, so that is why I struggle with this decision. I really need it to be FOR ME.

I've got a lot to think about on my long run this weekend...
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