Friday, April 13, 2012
For several months, weeks, days & hours I have been slacking. I dont know how or which way it happened. I just stopped caring - well maybe not that I dont care I just got super lazy. I dont remember the last time I had a date with my elliptical or my work out dvds. All I can say is everything has very think layer of dust on it, haha! (even though this is no laughing matter). It is actually quite depressing, just like my mood these days.
I am depressed because I dont have that drive to do anything anymore. I have completely lost it! I have gained back most of the weight I lost. I fought for every pound!!!
BLOOD - SWEAT - TEARS = PROGRESS
Simple math when you say it in your head, but doing it and living it every single day is a very different story.
Every time I have tried to drop those many pounds I do great for a few weeks and its almost like im getting bored, but im not its those damn cravings and laziness.
I honestly don't know how people do it! Well I know the drive has to be there and dedication, But those people that can run on the elliptical for 30-60-90 minutes at a time... MAN! My hat is off to you!!! I get so bored even though I have the t.v. on it doesn't matter. I will be on there for 5-10 minutes and im done. At one point I was running for 30-40 minutes at a time, I was so impressed with myself!!! Then one day it was gone, just like my diet or as I like to call it "my food/life style change plan".
Eating salads, proteins, veggies and fruits every single day. I felt great!!! No heart burn, upset stomach for constant greasy junk food. Insane mindless eating is my downfall. Stress eating too (not only do you get gray hairs from stress you can gain weight too). The list truly goes on and on... we could be here all day. I have just been a huge slacker in all departments. I feel like I am beyond help at this point. I know that is lame to say. I get so frustrated with myself for thinking that, but its how I feel.
I have a vision of myself, thin... being able to walk into a store and not worrying about trying everything on to see if it covers all of my fat parts, which is getting harder and harder to do by the way. Nothing fits me correctly anymore, my huge stomach and a** are pis*ing me off beyond belief. I swear if I go up another size I am going to lock myself in my bedroom and never come out. I don't even like getting my picture taken anymore. You never really realize how big you are until you see a picture of yourself and it just chills you down to you core. I am so tired of looking puffy and what not. It's truly depressing...
So the question is why have I not fixed this by now?
I have always started of strong with the diet and exercise for a few months- weeks then all of a sudden BAM! Its gone, the drive is gone. I get lazy with it and sick and tired of doing it. I just give up completely and all the weight I worked so hard to loose is back with more.
So what now....
Bites lip.... bites lip on the other side.......
I mean I always set such huge goals for myself so am I just setting myself up to fail? Maybe taking my time and not rushing will help make this easier and I can make it stick this time? I guess it really isnt rocket science!
CUT CALORIES + EXERCISE = RESULTS!!! Right?
I mean I have done it before my problem is just sticking with something long enough for it to work because once you start seeing serious results and not just the number on the scale I mean with you body when you look in the mirror that would give me serious drive to get it going and stick with it.
I am small with a very tiny frame so my doctor wants me to loose alot of weight. A total of 80 pounds which is a scary number when you look at it as a whole. But maybe breaking it up and saying "Okay, this month lets shoot for 5 pounds of weight loss". If I set my goal to high I will get upset if I dont see the weight come off as quickly as I want it do. Then I will stress eat and get right back to where I am now. Writing another depressing blog.
I need to start eating within my calorie range again which is 1200-1500 calories per day and tracking it like crazy... Make sure I get all of my water intake.
AH!!! so much going on.. im going to give myself a head ache, haha.
But you get the idea of my problem and what I am going through.
SIGHHHHH!!! Here we go... I can do this.. I just have to believe in myself again. I am afraid that if I loose track and I will be lost forever as a fat person in wonderland. This weekend eating healthy and remembering why I am doing this.. To feel better, be healthy, feel conformable in my own skin again, to look as good as I feel... I can do this!!!
WOW! I am being my own cheerleader today? that is new.