ok deep breath
Friday, April 13, 2012
so, as some of you know i had a dr appt monday. I have to go every 6 months due to late third stage Lyme disease, and Atrial fibrillation that is a direct result of the lyme.
so...weight was down..good. BP fine. why didnt i get bloodwork done? ok will do that before the endocrinology appt in may. promise. everything else looks good. then she hits me with it..hands me a piece of paper with her signature at the bottom. i said..whats this you gave me the lab orders?
she looks at me with some kind of foreboding..i knew something bad was coming. She takes a deep breath. I take a deep breath. Thats your paperwork for a handicap permit. giggle. laugh. umm..must be a mistake.
No, Holly, no mistake. you HAVE to cut down on work at the school. you MUST use a chair at the bakery. and you MUST get this permit.
But..but..i'm not handicapped!! YES, you are. NO!! i wont get it!! Holly, you HAVE to. and i will know if you dont.
NO handicap permits are for people who are...handicapped!! thats right. and your knee is twice the size it should be!!! ok so i'll ice it. NO, you WILL get the permit.
it went on a while. i literally cried on the way home. handicap tags are for older people. with emphysema. and broken hips. not for YOUNG people like me. SLAP..you arent young anymore. and you limp like a sidehill willywhompus. yeah but...i am NOT geting this. yes, you are. you HAVE to. she will know if you dont. and then there will be hell to pay. FINE i'll get it but i'm NOT using it.
that was my mind conversation between the sobs. Now, i'm no baby. i dont cry at movies (ok...so homeward bound got me when the golden retriever came over the hill) i dont cry at graduations...ok maybe when my kid that i see once a year goes back to minneapolis i puddle up. But, seriously, i'm just not a cryer or complainer about leg pain.
Then it hit me...The Prescription. My saving grace. my drugs. thats what it is. NY is cracking down on prescription pain killers. i'm betting they want to know why me, I, get this every month but no other anything. thats it. i can live with that.
BUT I STILL DONT LIKE IT. and i dont know thats why, but it allows my mind to think that its not because i'm old, or going to die (yeah...that too got in my mind..she gave it to me cuz she thinks i'm dying!!!)
I'll show her. i will. i'm going to work even harder to get this weight off. its a permanent tag. so she doesnt think i can do it (who would i've been trying to lose this weight for the past 20 years) but i am going to do it.
oh, and yesterday i went for another 3 mile walk. it was slow, but i did it. so there....