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    NIGHTSKYSTAR   323,835
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ok deep breath


Friday, April 13, 2012

so, as some of you know i had a dr appt monday. I have to go every 6 months due to late third stage Lyme disease, and Atrial fibrillation that is a direct result of the lyme.
so...weight was down..good. BP fine. why didnt i get bloodwork done? ok will do that before the endocrinology appt in may. promise. everything else looks good. then she hits me with it..hands me a piece of paper with her signature at the bottom. i said..whats this you gave me the lab orders?
she looks at me with some kind of foreboding..i knew something bad was coming. She takes a deep breath. I take a deep breath. Thats your paperwork for a handicap permit. giggle. laugh. umm..must be a mistake.
No, Holly, no mistake. you HAVE to cut down on work at the school. you MUST use a chair at the bakery. and you MUST get this permit.
But..but..i'm not handicapped!! YES, you are. NO!! i wont get it!! Holly, you HAVE to. and i will know if you dont.
NO handicap permits are for people who are...handicapped!! thats right. and your knee is twice the size it should be!!! ok so i'll ice it. NO, you WILL get the permit.
it went on a while. i literally cried on the way home. handicap tags are for older people. with emphysema. and broken hips. not for YOUNG people like me. SLAP..you arent young anymore. and you limp like a sidehill willywhompus. yeah but...i am NOT geting this. yes, you are. you HAVE to. she will know if you dont. and then there will be hell to pay. FINE i'll get it but i'm NOT using it.
that was my mind conversation between the sobs. Now, i'm no baby. i dont cry at movies (ok...so homeward bound got me when the golden retriever came over the hill) i dont cry at graduations...ok maybe when my kid that i see once a year goes back to minneapolis i puddle up. But, seriously, i'm just not a cryer or complainer about leg pain.
Then it hit me...The Prescription. My saving grace. my drugs. thats what it is. NY is cracking down on prescription pain killers. i'm betting they want to know why me, I, get this every month but no other anything. thats it. i can live with that.
BUT I STILL DONT LIKE IT. and i dont know thats why, but it allows my mind to think that its not because i'm old, or going to die (yeah...that too got in my mind..she gave it to me cuz she thinks i'm dying!!!)
I'll show her. i will. i'm going to work even harder to get this weight off. its a permanent tag. so she doesnt think i can do it (who would i've been trying to lose this weight for the past 20 years) but i am going to do it.
oh, and yesterday i went for another 3 mile walk. it was slow, but i did it. so there....
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Member Comments About This Blog Post:
DEBULACLARK 4/15/2012 12:43PM

    Holly! You are an inspiration. Your determination is amazing. So take use it. You have to take it easy sometimes. Better to use a closer parking spot than to not be able to do your 3 mile walk...right? AND when you feel good...don't use it. HUGS!!

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DISPATCHER04 4/14/2012 6:56AM

    (((hugs))) Holly. You are one very determined lady. It's just one of the things I love about you. You can do whatever you set your mind to. :)

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DORIS39 4/13/2012 11:20PM

   
WELL...THE FOLKS BEFORE ME HAVE PRETTY WELL SAID IT ALL.

YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THE ONE TO "CARRY THE LOADS" YOU ARE A VERY CLEVER AND TALENTED LADY. YOU WILL FIGURE IT OUT. LISTEN TO YOUR DOCTOR.

IF YOU LET THAT KNEE GET WORSE YOU WILL BE SORRY. I KNOW. I'VE HAD TWO KNEE REPLACEMENTS. THERE ARE THINGS I JUST CANNOT DO. BUT I
DON'T HAVE THAT PAIN ANYMORE, AND LIFE GOES ON. YOU ADDAPT. emoticon

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CLOVER2 4/13/2012 9:48PM

    Holly, you are here now, with a whole bunch of people who are going to help you with the hurdles you are going to have to leap over (VERY slowly at first!)
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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KING_SLAYER 4/13/2012 6:30PM

    Holly, it could be worse. There is a stigma with having the plates, but it's better than being dead! I know there's no correlation there, but it's still better. I was offered a handicap placard when I was 24. Yes, 24. Turned it down. I knew I was in bad shape but I didn't "feel" handicapped. But honestly, it isn't about age. Your Dr. is an expert (I would hope anyway!) and knows that you need to take it easy sometimes. So do that, take it easy sometimes. Don't freak out, just roll with it. Besides, you don't have to park in the handicap spots if you don't want to!

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PEARL-LADY 4/13/2012 4:04PM

    Oh Holly so sorry know how you feel though, know I am older than you but I too say no to all of this, you have such resilience you will get where you want to be, but if your knee is so swollen you do need to take care or you won't be able to exercise!!
Get those bloods done and with all the info you can make a plan of action.....an informed one...will keep you in my thoughts and prayers take time for Holly!! wish I were closer could help you out..did you see the eggs my weekend guests made last week, on my blog... emoticon

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AQUAGIRL08 4/13/2012 3:23PM

    I feel your pain. I can remember making smart comments about people who drive cars too slowly, who have handicap plates. Then, when I had my first knee replacement and had problems with my spine, I became one of the people who has handicap plates. My sister in law once asked me why I parked in the handicapped parking place if I could get out of my car and walk into the mall okay. I replied, "It isn't when I go into the mall that I'm worried about. If I'm standing or walking too long while I'm there, I can barely crawl to the nearest parking spot. That's why I have the plates."

There are bad days when your pain is off the charts and you have to run an errand even though you hurt. Parking close to your destination is really helpful when you are just barely crawling to the place of choice. There are all different levels of being handicapped. Many aren't apparent to the outside world. The other thing is that if you have a progressive disease, you don't want to make it progress any faster than necessary. Unless you are parking far from the door of a building to work in some exercise, save your strength for set exercise times and go easy the rest of the time.

I had to change my whole perception of what handicapped meant when I was first labelled handicapped for the exact reasons you've described. Once you accept your limitations and learn to work around things, the shock wears off and you can move forward.

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HIPPICHICK1 4/13/2012 1:05PM

    So sorry to hear that you are having a tough time with this transition. I believe in you Holly!! I know you will lose that weight. You were made to live life to the fullest. Make it so.

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