Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Today I was going thru my winter clothes and getting rid of some of em and also putting some away. And There it hit me.. Those negative thoughts of possiblity getting heavier again were there without realization of it. I was saving the clothes that right now are too big for me. But in my head I was thinking I should hold on to them... Cause you never know.
It was with that thought I realized deep down I still have the thoughts of failure. That someday I will be back heavy again. With that I grabbed the few items I did put in there that I shouldn't of and placed em in a garbage bag to take to the rescue mission. I still kept one top that is to big for me but don't have the strength to let go of it
I am wondering now if that was a mistake not to get rid of it. If deep down I am just not truly ready to get rid of my fat.. It's like my comfort of food. And by saving that piece of clothing it reminds me that it feels like I am not ready to move forward.
I quess the first step would be to realize it. Which now I have. But I have no idea where to go from there. I honestly thought I was ready and am moving in the right direction. I have been slowly losing weight now for a little over a month. I don't want this to stop me but I certainly need to find a way to let that 'comfort' go so I can live life.
I know right now I realize that I am feeling better about myself. I do feel healthier than I have in a long time. I definately more happy with myself than I have been in years. I actually feel like I felt when before I left my rl (I say this cause of my 3 year long addiction to a MMO) to where I was and who I am. I still have many things to change to be the person I was growing to be. But I am on a steady stream back to where I should be.
I wonder if I thought that piece of clothing away is that saying to myself I am letting go and I will not go back. Or is there something deeper within me. Cause I know I don't want to go back to how I felt. So unhappy and not loving myself and just breathing because that's the only way I felt like I exist.
Sorry for the ramblings if your reading this. But really trying to find the underlying behind this thought. And wondering how I am to break it.