Wednesday, April 11, 2012
I am having a bad day. I am really trying to stay positive and proactive but I am struggling today. I knew this would happen.
Every time I try and lose this weight I get a week in and start to struggle with it. I do well with choices and being prepared for the first week then something throws me off and I start to crave my old ways. I start to yearn for convenience, for comfort food, for anything I can put in my mouth to numb my attention away from looking in the mirror and having to deal with the reasons I am unhappy.
I am starting to realise that this is going to take a really long time to achieve and I am feeling incredibly emotional about it. I feel sorry for myself that I am "deprived" (ridiculous) and will have to be doing this for such a long time to achieve results. I feel angry that I can't have immediate results. I feel disappointed with my 2lb weight loss. Yes, disappointed. This is ridiculous! I should be jumping for joy but I have this uncontrollable disappointment that it wasn't more, that it's not going to be faster. All logic seems to be going out of the window, I know that slow and steady wins the race, I know that the slower the weight loss the more likely it is to stay off, I know all of this. But that stupid corner of my brain that wants everything it can't have is shouting so loudly that common sense has gone completely out of the window.
I am sat here typing away furiously sobbing at my laptop like a baby. I am scared that I won't be able to do this. I am scared that I will give up again and gain, gain, gain. I am scared because I have failed before. What is to stop me repeating my ever so trusty pattern and failing again?
I do not want to be this way. I want to stick it out. I have been looking at the inspirational spark member pages trying to remind myself that this is possible. It is a lot of weight to lose but it is possible.
I need to power through, I need to man up and get on with it. Nobody else is going to do it for me. Nobody else can control what I eat. Nobody else can get my ass up out of bed and walk. I am here again because I chose to be, I am here because I am not happy. I am here because I want to change.
I need to dry my eyes, shower and go outside. Night shifts are not helping but they are just something I have to work with. I have no choice.
I am a wreck but I will get better.