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Rambling pep talk while I feel like manure.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

I am having a bad day. I am really trying to stay positive and proactive but I am struggling today. I knew this would happen.

Every time I try and lose this weight I get a week in and start to struggle with it. I do well with choices and being prepared for the first week then something throws me off and I start to crave my old ways. I start to yearn for convenience, for comfort food, for anything I can put in my mouth to numb my attention away from looking in the mirror and having to deal with the reasons I am unhappy.

I am starting to realise that this is going to take a really long time to achieve and I am feeling incredibly emotional about it. I feel sorry for myself that I am "deprived" (ridiculous) and will have to be doing this for such a long time to achieve results. I feel angry that I can't have immediate results. I feel disappointed with my 2lb weight loss. Yes, disappointed. This is ridiculous! I should be jumping for joy but I have this uncontrollable disappointment that it wasn't more, that it's not going to be faster. All logic seems to be going out of the window, I know that slow and steady wins the race, I know that the slower the weight loss the more likely it is to stay off, I know all of this. But that stupid corner of my brain that wants everything it can't have is shouting so loudly that common sense has gone completely out of the window.

I am sat here typing away furiously sobbing at my laptop like a baby. I am scared that I won't be able to do this. I am scared that I will give up again and gain, gain, gain. I am scared because I have failed before. What is to stop me repeating my ever so trusty pattern and failing again?

I do not want to be this way. I want to stick it out. I have been looking at the inspirational spark member pages trying to remind myself that this is possible. It is a lot of weight to lose but it is possible.

I need to power through, I need to man up and get on with it. Nobody else is going to do it for me. Nobody else can control what I eat. Nobody else can get my ass up out of bed and walk. I am here again because I chose to be, I am here because I am not happy. I am here because I want to change.

I need to dry my eyes, shower and go outside. Night shifts are not helping but they are just something I have to work with. I have no choice.

I am a wreck but I will get better.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Hey, you are blogging, not eating, congratulations!
    2168 days ago
    I am NOT a good role model, I have depression and bipolar and chronic pain and can and will use every excuse in the book ... that said I'm gonna share something I read in a book once...

    The guy wrote about a lady who wanted to lose weight and he asked her WHY.

    She said (something like I don't remember exactly) to look pretty.

    Why do you want to look pretty? To get a man.
    why? to get married
    why? so I'm not alone
    why? because I want to have someone with me
    why? because I'm lonely.

    To her, as to so many of us, it breaks our hearts ot have our food (best friend, constant companion, instant gratification, only thing that has ever been there through everything and LOVES ME UNCONDITIONALLY) away from us because we think of it as so much more than JUST food.

    It isn't. It's just food.

    But to us it's a friend, companion, emotional crutch, ...

    So, he told her stop waiting to lose weight to not be lonely. Go join a class, join a book club, go to the library, museum, wine tasting, join a cause, volunteer. Do something so you aren't lonely so you won't have to have food as a substitute friend.

    So, why do you want to lose weight?
    2168 days ago
    PUSH!!! I've had that same feeling, I'm impatient and some part of my brain thinks "I ate well and worked out this week, I'm going to lose a ton!" and then 1.5 pounds are gone and I think "Well crap, this is going to take forever." I think it only really takes forever if you let it. You know how quickly time goes, if you stay on top of things, you'll see your goal and realize that hey, that really didn't seem like it took so long. Get past this initial mental block and you'll get right back into a happy place full of good food and calorie burning.
    2170 days ago
    I think that we all have those moments, for better or for worse... but you can do this! So can I! We just need to do the work and be kind to ourselves along the way.
    I hope that your day gets better,
    2170 days ago
    Most people would early love to have a steady weigh loss of 2lbs a week. You need to change from a state of mind that this is a short term deal, to this is a life changing deal. If not, you’re just fooling yourself and you will regain all the weigh one losses. Your weigh did not show up in one week, and its not going to leave in one week. Take the word "immediate" and put it in the bad word bucket. It anit going to happen! Either you’re in it for the long term or you’re not. That is the mind set you have to be in to have long term results.

    That's my 2 cents worth for today.
    2170 days ago
    YES IT WILL!! It will get better and you'll get stronger and more resolved as each day goes by and you make consistent small positive changes towards your goal.

    I feel your pain, I do, because I had a little setback on the scale this morning and those horrible terrible voices kicked right in and started telling me that I was a failure and that I've always failed and why bother BLAH BLAH LIES BLAH BLAH.

    That part of us that hates change and wants the status quo is always going to kick up a big fight when we start to change...I would look at that horrible stuff going on in your head as PROOF that you're on the right path. Why would it kick up a fuss if you were doing the same ol'-same ol', right?

    You are not alone! You have SP and you did the right thing - you shared about it online and admitted you were struggling! Here comes the cavalry! emoticon

    All you have to do is do it TODAY! Just today! You don't have to worry about the rest of your life or even your past attempts. Just today! You can do anything for one day that you can't imagine doing forever.

    And you're already on your way out of that negative headspace because you cried it out and have a plan. That's awesome. You are totally right, You *CAN* do it and IT WILL get better! What stops you from repeating your pattern is the fact that you want to be healthy more than you want to be comfortable, or else you wouldn't have started this journey, right?

    Go get it, girl! I hope your day gets better and you wake up tomorrow saying, "Wow, I could have chucked it all yesterday but I stuck it out...go me! I rock!"

    Because you do! emoticon emoticon
    2170 days ago
    Hey hold in there.

    Feeling down about your weight loss and the time it's going to take is fairly natural I think. I know exactly how you feel as I've tried time and again to kick the bad habits and get rid of the weight and failed. When I got down on myself is when I failed. That's something I can no longer do if my husband and I want to have children.

    The fact is that only you can make the changes that your body and mental health need. You know why you started on the path you're on, just try to remind yourself what the reasons were.

    Think about how you want to look and feel a week from now, then a month from now. Break it down and don't focus on the goal that is a year away. Focus on tangibles - do you feel a tiny bit better every week that passes and you stay on goal?

    See yourself on a beach somewhere exotic wearing a bikini that is to die for! Or how about those beautiful clothes you've always had to pass by in the store. Ever felt like crap knowing that your choices are limited when you go shopping or do you avoid it completely?

    That will all change if you just hang in there! Soon you will be slipping into that slinky little number and feeling like a million bucks.

    Remember to reward yourself also. If you're just lashing out at yourself you're going to feel like crap. You're doing this because you want to feel good, but that's not some intangible future goal, that's something you can feel right now. Take some time out to talk to yourself in the mirror even if you feel ridiculous and explain to yourself why what you're doing is important and how strong a person you are for starting let alone keeping it up.

    Good luck!
    2170 days ago
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