Monday, April 09, 2012
So my last blog was all about setting myself free from the scale because The Number became such a paralyzing force in my life. I figured if I stopped the weigh-ins, and continued along in my healthy eating and exercise lifestyle, I'd be fine and finally find some sort of peace when it comes to my almost crippling body image issues.
So much for that.
Seriously, it wasn't too bad. In 2 months I gained 2 pounds. Not exactly a tragedy, but still not really the point. And honestly, without that weekly barometer of empirical evidence of my weight, my sense of how I looked swung wildly over the course of a day - sometimes over the course of an hour. One minute I looked like a supermodel to myself, the next the 192 pound woman from 2009. So if I'm crazy both with and without the scale, I may as well add the scale back in.
Besides, the real reason the "free" experiment ended up costing me two pounds isn't rocket science. I have wandered well off the path of good eating. Lots of chocolate and sneaking not-so-great-for-you food at work because "it was there" (like I would never, ever, ever in my lifetime have the opportunity to eat it again) or because "I deserved it" (when what I really deserved was to feel good about the choices I made and not suffer that overwhelming sense of guilt afterwards). I didn't track my diet on days I knew I'd blow it, which totally defeats the purpose. Only tracking on good days is the ultimate in self-delusion. I stopped tracking on weekends, which for me is a "get out of healthy free card." Hello pizza! Hello way too much alcohol! Where have you been all my life?
My New Year's Resolution was to be a grown-up, and I haven't been acting like a responsible adult in a lot of ways. So - again - I am starting fresh. I have committed - again - to tracking religiously, not cheating, and laying off the booze unless it fits into my daily calorie plan.
I did give up meat (beef, chicken, pork) for what was supposed to be only a month at the beginning of the year, but enjoyed how I felt so much, I've continued that with no rigid rules. This past weekend i had meat, but was back to fish-dairy-eggs today with no self-recrimination. I am toying with the idea of also giving up fish, but we'll see. Again, no hard and fast rules.
Onward and downward, as I like to say. The goal - again - is to drop 5 pounds in a month. Mathematically, if I do what I say I'm going to do, it should work.