Monday, April 09, 2012
You know what? I'm DONE. Yeah, I said it. DONE.
Must I spell it out? D-O-N-E!!!
I'm writing this with so many mixed feelings right now...
I'm HAPPY that I've finally gotten to this point.
I'm SAD that it's taken SO long for me to get here.
I'm ANGRY in the sense that... Whatever this 'thing' (monster, as I like to call it) is that has led me to be so addicted to food over the years & caused me to gain over 100 lbs. is doing this to so many other people RIGHT nowI LI- sometimes TERALLY wish I could somehow reach inside myself & rip that thing out & just beat the living crap out of it lol...
1- I'm DONE with stepping on the scale & seeing the numbers creep on up...
240.0... 242.3... 243.6... 245.9... 250.2... 255.1... DONE!
2- I'm DONE with not having anything to wear because none of my clothes fit!
3- I'm DONE being terrified of my own reflection (looking the other way when I walk past a mirror, running in the opposite direction when someone tries to take my picture, etc.)!
4- I'm DONE with not being able to find cute clothes to wear in the stores because nothing fits me!
5- I'm DONE crying in dressing rooms because I get so frustrated & upset when nothing fits.
6- I'm DONE having to shop on the "Plus Size" side of the store!
7- I'm DONE having to cut apart bigger size jeans & sew them together just to make skirts!
8- I'm DONE hiding from the public because I'm so afraid of what people will say or think about me. I'm DONE feeling like if I go out, people are just going to state at me or judge me because of my weight.
9- I'm DONE being a homebody. I'm tired of letting my weight control what I do, where I go, who I talk to, etc.
10- I'm DONE with the mental/emotional abuse I put myself through on a daily basis (telling myself "You're not good enough, you're fat." etc.)!
11- I'm DONE with wearing CLOTHES when I go swimming. I want to be able to wear a cute bathing suit & feel AMAZING!
12- I'm DONE with stretch marks!
13- I'm DONE with feeling like I can't do this... or like this is all impossible! Well guess what?! It's NOT impossible- I CAN do this, & I AM doing this! SO TAKE THAT!
14- I'm DONE feeling like I'm not good enough or pretty enough for my boyfriend because of my weight.
15- I'm DONE letting the number on the scale control my entire mindset & mood.
16- I'm DONE with binge eating.
17- I'm DONE feeling helpless.
18- I'm DONE wishing I could look like somebody else or have somebody else's body.
19- I'm DONE obsessing over how much I weigh.
20- I'm DONE with saying I'm going to do something but then going back on my word. I'm going to prove to not only myself, but everyone else, that I'm capable of doing anything I want!
21- I'm DONE making excuses!
22- I'm DONE with the insecurities!
23- I'm DONE giving up.
24- I'm DONE giving in.
25- I'm DONE thinking everything will come easily & magically happen over night. I know that this is something that is going to take hard work, dedication, & time. I accept it.
26- I'm DONE turning to food for comfort the instant I get upset.
27- I'm DONE with starting over "tomorrow". It's NOW or NEVER.
28- I'm DONE with being scared to go to the Doctor's office because I'm afraid of what she'll say about my weight. I'm DONE with being afraid to be weighed.
29- I'm DONE feeling like I'm not good enough.
30- I'm DONE with being weak.
31- I'm DONE with the chest pains.
32- I'm DONE with my rings not being able to fit because my fingers are so chubby!
33- I'm DONE being afraid I'm going to end up having a heart attack or end up getting heart disease.
34- I'm DONE with being weak around fast food.
35- I'm DONE with trying to cover up my mistakes with excuses.
36- I'm DONE being considered "Obese".
37- I'm DONE waking up every morning with good intentions to have a good day with no mistakes then completely blowing everything by the afternoon.
38- I'm DONE over eating at night.
39- I'm DONE obsessing over food.
40- I'm DONE feeling like I'm the biggest girl in the room.
41- I'm DONE eating until I feel absolutely disgusting & sick.
42- I'm DONE with my bras not fitting right because of the amount of fat hanging over them. SERIOUSLY so annoying!
43- I'm DONE being afraid to wear shorts because I feel like my legs are too big/fat.
44- I'm DONE using the word "FAT".
45- I'm DONE with having big arms.
46- I'm DONE with checking the mirror everyday & asking people if I have a double chin.
47- I'm DONE with letting this "thing" control me.
I'm SO DONE!!! It all ends right now.
I'm BEAUTIFUL just the way I am & I'm only going to IMPROVE from here. This is not just some "diet" anymore... This is a LIFE STYLE CHANGE that will be with me for the rest of my life. This isn't something that is TEMPORARY, this is FOREVER. No more excuses, no more wishing, it's time to start walking the walk.
I AM WORTH IT!!!!