Monday, April 09, 2012
I've been cleaning house and I've unleashed turmoil from my Pandora's box. Is this bad? No. It means that I've touched upon parts of my life that need to be touched upon.
I'm paying attention to myself and taking care of my needs. That's what is causing my turmoil. I learned how to take care of others and that their needs were ALWAYS more important than mine.
I am working towards honoring myself. To stop being cruel to myself has not been easy. I do better some days than others.
I see myself as a puppy. Do we beat a puppy if the puppy strays away? Usually we laugh because the puppy doesn't know any better and we coax the puppy back onto course. As I stray off course, I bring myself back on course by coaxing my puppy self back on track.
This takes practice, mindfulness and being conscious. I like being awake and living each emotion I have as it happens. To live it. To be it. To lean into it. To DEAL WITH IT.
Emotions cannot be swept under a rug or behind a door. The result of this type of behavior is the breaking of emotional dams. I've experienced this and it's terrifying when it happens. As a child of a house of lots of unwritten rules, I learned how to hide my feelings, to not express them, to avoid experiencieng them.
My dam broke a month ago. I broke out of the egg and spread my wings. I can't go back into the egg. I can't stuff my feet back into those too small shoes.
Life is to be lived, good, bad, ugly, beautiful, emotional, etc.
Some of this is bittersweet. I'm glad to feel it now. I can deal with what I feel if I allow myself to fully feel it. It FEELS better to feel it.
Forward I step each day.
To face one fear a day!