Saturday, April 07, 2012
First of all, thank you to everyone for your loving and supportive comments regarding my last blog. It's been freeing for me to just let go of my secret. As a social worker and as a friend I have helped others through this kind of stuff and I know, in my logical brain, all the right things...it's just hard to apply when your emotional, not-so-rational side takes over.
I've been struggling lately, as you can obviously tell. Today is my youngest brother's 17th birthday and I'm struggling with feelings of guilt because I'm not with my family to celebrate. In fact, I haven't seen my family since Christmas. I feel like a bad sister, a bad daughter...for not being in touch, not calling enough. (I know this is totally within my control and I can change this and not feel so badly...) Anyhow, last night I cried myself to sleep with all sorts of negative self-talk because, you know, being a bad sister and bad daughter reminds me that I'm a bad wife, a bad friend, a bad person all around. I know how irrational and basically what a waste of time and energy this thinking is...which makes me feel more upset with myself for engaging in this type of behavior...I know better...ack! What a wreck my brain is....It's this endless loop of beating myself up and then beating myself up for beating myself up.
Yesterday I went for a walk with my husband and dogs (while I tried not to beat myself up about how SHORT this walk was and how out of shape I am) and by the time we had walked for 20 minutes I had to basically run home and use the bathroom. Crohn's had gotten me...I was bent over with awful cramps and I felt so sick. I felt devastated that even when I try to do the right thing, my body wouldn't let me. DH says to me, "well, no more walking for you!" I wanted to cry.
Today at dinner with my DH's family my sister-in-law made a comment about how last year at Easter I was "skinny back then". It stung...but she didn't mean to hurt me...it's just the truth. I'm over 260 pounds right now. I'm so disgusted with my body and how swollen and sluggish I feel...yet I have neglected to do anything about it.
I'm hiding from people and isolating myself at home...yet feeling more lonely and homesick than I have in a long time (even with 2 roommates). I keep telling myself all these things about myself, which may or may not be true...but which feel terrible and are most definitely harmful. These thoughts have been paralysing me...they sap my energy and motivation and make me feel worthless and hopeless.
But here's the thing...I have so much to be grateful for. The problems I have, those are the problems of someone who has so much already. I'm privileged enough to be able to worry and be upset about things that don't even cross other people's radar. I live in a country where I am a free human being, with rights and opportunities that most people in the world still struggle for. I have a safe, very comfortable home and I always have enough food to eat. My drinking water is safe and I never question if it will work when I turn it on. I can take a shower whenever I want to and I have an array of soap and shampoo to choose from. I have a vehicle that works and I have enough money to put gas in it whenever I need to. All of my needs are basically within my reach. I have family and friends who love me and express it in their own ways. I have had the opportunity for education on any level that I have chosen. I have dogs and they keep me company and make me laugh. I probably still have a job to go back to when my body heals. I have a medical system which I can rely on and afford...and though my illness has been difficult, it is treatable.
I have much for which to be grateful. So much more than what I have just written. I'm trying here...trying to balance out all that negativity with some gratitude, because at least that's positive.
I'm batting around the idea of going back to vegan eating after easter. I seem to do better when I am on a specific plan of eating and vegan eating seems to agree with me on many levels. I'm not sure what the resistance is all about...perhaps it's the difficulty of committing to try again (because then there's the chance that I won't be perfect and that I'll FAIL!). I'm working on going for a walk every day...I'm about 50/50 for that right now...better than nothing. I'll let you know when I get back into the swing of things with my eating and exercise. I remember how great I felt when I was running and I want so much to be back there...but I also am starting to understand that that may not be in the cards for right now because of the Crohn's.
Thanks so much for being with me along this journey. For those of you who comment and those of you who just think positive thoughts for me...it all means so much to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.