Watching your parents destroy themselves...

Friday, April 06, 2012

This blog is of a sensitive nature but is most important to write about. I recently came home to visit and I've been here for almost a month. Before I left Ohio to come back to Cali to visit, I had a business counselor tell me to start going to Alanon because of how I grew up in an environment of addiction and it can be seen in my addictive behaviors with food and money spending, etc. So this trip home has had my eyes more open than ever before.

I've observed how my dad, who is a recovering alcoholic of many years, is deteriorating right in front of my eyes. He has at least five major illness' but still doesn't care what he puts into his mouth. He shoots insulin into his stomach because he is diabetic, yet still eats cakes, cookies, chocolate and whatever else is in reach. My mother; although she doesn't have any major illness' of my awareness, she's in pain almost every day from digestion issues, back problems, etc. They have snacks lying all around the house and every day they eat fried, junky food.

A few weeks ago I decided to admit I have a problem. I Rene am an over-eater... wait... I've done that before. Okay, I tried admitting recently that I have a real addiction to sugar and that I was going to go cold turkey and get off it all together. Then I realized sugar is in everything! But I'll save that for another blog. The point is, coming home was like walking into a candy store... I went crazy for like the first week, then I started to feel sick. Then I started to see in front of my eyes, the effects of what would happen to me if I kept living like this.

Needless to say, this has been a bittersweet experience. I needed to come home to put this all into perspective. I don't want to grow up and get sicker and sicker... I want to continue growing up in health and wellness; reaching more and more health GOALS each year. I want to juice, eat foods that give me vitality, and be in shape! I want to go to sleep at night feeling joy and waking up feeling joy and gratitude for each day. And I want to give that to my future husband, future kids, future generations. Okay, okay.. maybe I'm getting too dreamy right now, but it's true!

I am definitely very sad to see my parents deteriorating before my eyes. Yesterday my mom was sitting in a chair and it broke. I knew it hurt, but I knew more than that, it was humiliating. She does try... and she knows that she too has an addiction to food and will keep eating it although it makes her sick. The only thing I could do was hold her and cry with her. The moment we had together was not of mother and daughter, but of two spirits - flesh and blood - empathizing with one another. I cried all that afternoon thinking of how hard it would be to watch my mom's health go downhill. I felt the reality that I could lose her and it hurt me so bad. I felt that if I don't truly make a commitment to change then I am no different than her or anyone else who is in a sense "suicidal" by what they put into their mouths every single moment.

I've been there, done that, still working through it. I've tried being the role model in the past but that didn't work for them either. It is hard to see this happening, but all I can do is do what I have to do for me now. I have to use this experience and take it back with me to Ohio and live my life knowing that I can make healthy decisions to prevent deteriorating in the future or I can accelerate my aging experience, thus leading me to what I am seeing right before my eyes right now.

God give me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. - The Serenity Prayer
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    That's very brave to write and share with us. Thank-you.
    2145 days ago
    I'm glad you're trying to not repeat their mistakes. I have similar issues w/ my father. It is very disheartening to see.
    Take care.
    2148 days ago
    Hi Sheila; yes I did quit last year and it didn't last... I realized I had a REAL problem this year... and it's still a work in progress. I'm so glad that you got some inspiration from this blog!! Something told me to write today. Thank you for keeping in touch! It's been a while. I hope you are doing well!! Love, Rene.

    P.s. I went to the store with my dad today and I bought a bunch of healthy food; organic stuff and when we were walking to the car he just out of no where started complaining about how and why he doesn't eat healthy stuff b/c we're all going to die anyway and how people can try to eat healthy, exercise, etc and then they die a month later. I didn't even say anything to warrant that conversation... I'm not trying to change anyone but myself. I learned trying to change people doesn't work. It's just funny that when I don't say anything, they all get on my case about why I'm eating healthy. Sigh... I'm really trying not to let this get to me because I know the truth.
    2148 days ago
  • SHEILA1505
    Rene - I thought you quit sugar last year ??!! Great that you've had this opportunity to be reminded how much damage you can do to yourself :(

    Remember that I am gluten intolerant and have mostly cut added sugars out of my food - well, it's Easter, my youngest is home from the UK, I have a couple of house guests and I've bought Hot Cross Buns (for them) and choc slabs for Sunday - and am I craving the stuff! Fortunately, seeing your blog has warned me right off all of it - I thank you for writing today xxxx

    It's sad that we can't get our loved ones to change their ways - but it's enough to manage our own lifestyle.

    Big hugs
    2148 days ago
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