Friday, April 06, 2012
I have been Sparking for almost 11 months now and have shed 73 lbs. along with a lot of bad habits. (Although the bad habits like to creep back in if I am not careful)
People ask me how I feel now that I have lost all that weight and I have to reply, "Great!" I really do feel fantastic now. I was dying a slow, painful death at 300 lbs. I had given up on myself and any hope of having a happy, fulfilling life. I love my husband and son but, I just didn't love myself.
I had hit rock bottom when I found Sparkpeople. Reading motivational stories convinced me that I was in the right place. This felt right from the moment I joined. I started logging my food and water. The healthier I ate, the more I realized that I could actually eat more food, feel fuller and still lose weight. It was a miracle!
After losing 25 lbs., I started moving my body some.When I started Spark, I could barely get around because my joints and hips would hurt. I haveworked my way from barely walking to jogging a 5K! I feel my ab muscles now and can do many exercises I thought were impossible. Yes, I have transformed my life and feel healthier and stronger everyday!
I still have a long journey ahead of me. I have not lost any weight in over 2 months and I want to lose another 50 to 60 lbs. I have many goals I want to achieve including riding a bike, roller skating, and eventually, completing a half marathon or maybe even a triathalon!
With all the changes I have made, both big and small, it still amazes me how my perception of myself can be so distorted. When I was 300 lbs. I never felt like I was severely obese even though I did feel fatigued and heavy. I couldn't fit into the seats at the movie theater in town. I had trouble fitting into booths at restaurants and I had worn out my car seat at an angle which was not helping my back. All my shoes had heels worn down at angles from walking funny to balance the extra weight. Even sleeping was uncomfortable and I was beginning to have trouble with sleep apnea plus, my asthma was getting out of control. When I looked in the mirror I saw a stranger. A disgustingly, fat and vaguely familiar image of myself. I hated what I saw.
Now that I am 73 lbs. lighter, I feel like I am a "normal" weight even though I am still considered obese. I feel lean and strong and more compact than before. I have more confidence and more energy. My whole attitude toward life in general is much more positive. Many ailments from before have vanished. But, even though I feel good and I love and accept myself now...I still look in the mirror and see the 300 lb. body I had before. Sure I see some areas that are a little smaller but, I don't see 73 lbs. of difference. My brain tells me I am a "normal" weight but, my eyes tell me I am "morbidly obese!" When this happens, I have to fight the old feelings of disgust. I don't ever want to feel that way about myself again.
This puts me in an awkward situation because I don't want to think negative thoughts so my emotional side wants to tell myself that the image in the mirror is false. That I look "thin".
But, the logical side wants to face the fact that I am still very fat and need to keep working to lose weight. That makes me feel depressed. If I acknowledge either situation I risk either not working hard enough on my program because I feel like I am at my goal or I risk giving up because I am depressed that I still look like 300 lbs. I feel this situation is why I haven't been able to lose weight in several months.
I know I need to find balance in my thinking. The old, extreme thinking has no place in my new, healthy life. I just don't know how to process these feelings so that I can move forward toward my goals. I want to accept that I look much better and feel good but, that I still need to be motivated to work hard and reach my goals.
If you have worked through a similar situation, please share what worked for you.