For the past 75 pounds or so I've been contemplating what I would write if I ever got to 100 pounds lost. Well I'm here and I still don't know what to say! When I started this journey, 337 pounds and a size 30-32 pants and 26-28 top, I never thought I would get here. I remember the first few weeks felt like they were just DRAGGING on and on and on. There were many times I wanted to give up or give in and just over eat. But I held strong, didn't give in to too many temptations and am now at 237 pounds, size 20 pants and 16/18 tops.
About 337 here, August 2010
I didn't realize how big I was. I knew I was fat, but its those full body pictures that make you gasp and say "oh my god". But even then, I did nothing about it. Why doesn't someone tell you you look like sh*t?! Eww... I can't believe I'm even letting this picture out of my little dark hidey hole, but NO MORE, not ever, ever again...
Then there was Vegas... Vegas was my "moment" where I said, "As soon as I get home, I'm going to the gym and changing". And I did. I was sick of not being able to look cute like my friends did when we went out. I was sick of sweating constantly no matter where we were or what we were doing. I was super sick of being "the fat friend" and not even being able to really fit in that polka dot dress (above) anymore.
Here is one of the last pictures ever taken of me being 337 pounds:
Then after that, after I got back and started going to the gym religiously, everything changed. I have more self confidence, I feel better, I'm not always the gross sweaty one(except at the gym, I sweat like crazy there) and I'm happy. My journey isn't over, but I'm glad I'm out of those beginning stages, where it felt like it was never gonna happen and that was never gonna be me.
I'm still afraid of going backwards - afraid of not being so on track and only allowing myself a few indulgences. Last night I indulged in Noodles (Mac and Cheese) for the first time in over seven months. It was delicious... but at the same time, I felt guilty. I knew I should be eating better than that, but that's what I wanted. I was still within my calorie ranges for the day and have found over the past seven months that it is ok to indulge in a few things. Its actually has kept me on track better than if I didn't eat anything bad. A few things here and there, and especially in moderation, don't hurt you too horribly on the scale.
A friend of mine asks me all the time how I get so much motivation. I don't know if its motivation so much as being terrified. I've missed MAYBE 20 days at the gym since I started going in August because I'm so scared that if I take more than a day off that I'll stop going all together. This isn't a good way to carry on. All this fear I have built up will make me fail in the long run... I need to learn how to get over "I'm afraid of going back" and more "this is my new life and to be healthy and happy, THIS is what you have to do."
Don't mind my dorky boyfriend... About 250 here.
So as right now I'm happy with where I am, I want to keep going. I would LOVE to see that 1 on the scale. I remember hitting the 200's in middle school and thinking "this is gonna change, I'm not gonna go any higher than this." Freshman year... 214. It just kept going up and up and up and as I knew I was putting on weight, I did NOTHING about it. Now, I know I can do it, I KNOW I can do anything I put my mind to and I KNOW that I'll be able to see 199.