Friday, March 30, 2012
I'm feeling awfully low. It's nice and sunny outside and it's refreshing after a week of rain but all I want to do is lay like broccoli. I put on a baggy sweater (it used to be skintight) because I feel fat. Weight is the same as yesterday but it's higher than it was last week. I feel like I'm spiraling out of control for some reason.
I don't understand why. I'm making good, healthy food choices. Is it because I'm adding too much carbs to my diet? Am I not exercising enough? I'm not doing anything too different from my usual routine... or am I? Is it the bagels? The bread? The soybean curd? The cheese? Am I having too much fruit? I even took out meat from my diet this week!
Today's breakfast felt like a total binge... I planned for a bagel, bananas, tofutti soy cheese, peanut butter... then I ate 1/2 a kashi bar... but I couldn't stop and had another. I know looking at the bigger picture, it's not as bad as I think it is but it makes me feel like a failure for some reason. I'm so sad and lonely that I don't even want to exercise.
I know there are things that are bothering me:
1. office colleague's comment yesterday - she's a bit of of witch and she asked me yesterday if I was gaining weight. Not something you should ask ever, especially not to someone who's bloated because of the absent but totally symptomatic TOM. I tried to laugh it off and be casual in my response but looking back, that tiny question stung. It made me feel ashamed of my body which is something I shouldn't feel. I should be proud because getting here took a lot of work and while it still needs fine-tuning, I should love it just the same.
2. missing my family (grandparents, aunts, uncles) but being too proud to show that I do.
3. finding out that someone I used to like now has a baby... there goes my chance.
I'm trying to stay strong because I know that I'm worth the effort. I lifted up these little pains to God and I know He will see me through. This is a test of faith. I guess life has to get hard sometimes so that we appreciate the easy times and not take them for granted.
(Sorry for such a downer post. I figure I'm better off writing it down than taking it out on food.)