Friday, March 30, 2012
A word of warning: This is not a cheerful, happy, motivational blog post. It's not super depressive, but it contains a few things that I just had to get out of my system before they eat me up.
Wednesday - two days ago - I woke up fresh and eager because this was the day my cast was to be taken off my arm and I was also having my stitches removed. That meant two things:
1) No more awkward washing and showering
2) I could go running again
The latter is a bit surprising, but I've really come to enjoy my exercising sessions and I was looking forward to being able to build them up again.
My run was good, though I was surprised how exhausted I was considering I only had a week long break - goes to show how important it is to maintain your fitness and not skip any sessions!
I expected to write a happy, cheerful post about how I was getting back into the swing of things. Then some personal stuff happened that just left me a complete wreck. I didn't sleep that night, at all. And my body reacted in a really strange way, too.
Normally, when I'm stressed out or upset I eat. I sit there on the sofa trying to take my mind of things by mindlessly munching, preferably sweet things. I'm sure we've all been there at one point or another. But this time, I couldn't even be around food. It all tasted and smelled horrible and I struggled to get anything past my lips. My food intake for yesterday is pitifully low, but I've just completely lost my appetite. The only thing that seemed to help was exercise, which I did a lot of and boy, can I feel it today.
Anyway, it's Friday now and I've barely slept again, though a lot of things are now resolved and I'm fine mentally. My appetite is still not back and I had to force myself to eat anything for breakfast. I lost 2 pounds in a day and here's the dilemma: I'm not sure whether or not I'm happy about it.
I mean, any weight loss is good, surely? You could have asked me a year or so ago and my eyes would have lit up. I would have tried to find some way or another to make myself as miserable as possible in order to make sure my appetite stayed down and my urge to exercise stayed high.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking full-blown depression here, just a very rough one and a half days. Everyone gets a bad day from time to time, or even a really horrible day. What astounds me is that
A) I didn't comfort eat.
B) That I lost a fairly large amount of weight in just a day and I'm not over the moon about it.
I'm not over the moon about it, because I know it wasn't a healthy way of losing that weight. How annoying is that, you just can't please me, eh? But joking aside, it's shown me that maybe I'm not quite as concerned about the way I look as I always thought. At some point concerns about my health overtook concerns about my looks and that is a HUGE step for me, as I used to try every crash diet and hardcore bootcamp workout going. I always put being skinny above being healthy, but suddenly it's the other way around.
I would say my priorities have changed completely. Just last year it would have been:
1) Being skinny
2) Anything else
I just assumed that reaching a certain target weight would bring instant happiness.
Now I'd have a tough time deciding whether being happy or being healthy come first, but being skinny is a lot further down the list.
Maybe this will be the key to success that I've been longing for for so long?