Wednesday, March 28, 2012
So... I'm back again. When I was last here, I thought I weight 145 lbs, because that's what my scales said. I was very happy with what the scale said, but I didn't like the way I looked. So, I bought a new scale. And I found out the other new scale was broken, just like the old scale had been. I thought something was wrong because it needed new batteries every other day or so, but I was *so* happy with the number... Eventually, I got tired of buying so many new batteries and I just bought a new scale. Again.
I really didn't want to get on that new scale. I let it sit there next to my bed and every day I would look at it, I'd flip it the finger and then I'd get into an argument with my cats. See, they like to think that my first priority when I wake up is to feed them, but my bladder disagrees. Anyway, I digress. So, I was talking about the new new scale. I did get on it one day. Wanna know what it said? It said 165 lbs. Yep. That's why I wasn't happy with how I looked. Because I was 20 lbs fatter than I thought I was. I kinda knew it, ngl. But I have such a faulty image of myself anyway, and I really, really wanted to weigh 145 and so I bought it. I felt like such a fraud and such a disgrace and a liar and I couldn't even deal with it, so I just left. I even stopped talking to people irl because I was so embarrassed. At first I said that I was going to stay there and I was going to like it and I did stay there, but I did not like it. And now I started gaining and I don't want to. I'm fat enough as it is.
So, here I am, at 170 lbs and I'm starting again. I want to get down to 136,4. I'm not going to do any of those "OMG, I MUST LOSE WEIGHT EVERY SINGLE DAY AND I MUST EXERCISE ALWAYS AND I CAN'T CHEAT 'CAUSE I HAVE TO BE PERFECT" that I used to. I've mentioned before that I have Hashimoto's and I also have a problem with my knees. I used to think of those as excuses, but they're not. When I've done nothing but go out and have coffee for a couple of hours and yet I'm sitting on the couch and I'm short of breath and I'm tired and cold and depressed and I don't want to do anything, that's not because I'm lazy and useless, that's because I'm sick and I'm having a bad day. And it's OK to skip my workout on that day. It will hurt me a lot less than the way I mentally and physically abuse myself does. That has stalled my progress a lot more than anything else has. So, I'll have to make a new plan that I can follow and find a way to be kind of OK with my limitations. And I have to stop feeling like a loser because I have those limits (LOL, fat chance).
Ahahaha, I love how I make all these decisions and they're right and I seem like I'm making all this progress and I pat myself on the shoulder but then I'm like "shut up and run, you useless f**k-up, you don't limp for that long afterwards, you fat piece of s**t". But no, I really mean it this time. Anyway, whatever, I will be thin one day. That is true. So, there.