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Coming back

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

I've been struggling for a while, especially since my sister was diagnosed with leukemia last summer. I have let go of the healthy habits one by one that I worked so hard to build, and surprise! most of the weight is back. My sister's cancer came back, too, just after Christmas. She died February 6, 2012 at the young age of 40.
Grief takes a toll on us in sometimes sneaky ways. I hadn't connected the way I slid off my healthy program with her illness so directly until just now. She and I had been estranged for nearly 3 years at the time of her death, so in a way I lost her back then. (I did go see her right before she died, but that's a topic for another time.)
This week is the first in a long time that I've managed to string a few days in a row of walking in the morning and tracking my food. But last night, instead of going to bed after my cup of tea, when my food intake for the day was exactly where it should be, instead I went to the refrigerator and finished the leftover rice noodles from dinner. And a box of Nut Thins. And the rest of the gluten free ginger snaps. And watched TV and read until 1 am. (I have to get up at 6:30 to get the kids ready for school).

I think part of me had been sabotaging my weight loss efforts out of some misguided sense of fairness. There is nothing fair about cancer. It comes undeserved, out of the blue. But just as my getting fat cannot help feed the starving children on the other side of the planet, my neglecting myself to match my unhealthy family members does not do any of us any good. And I cannot change them anyway.

But today I am proclaiming that my being healthy doesn't take away from anybody else. I choose to be healthy for me. And I deserve it, because I work for it. And for those I love who struggle with illness of one kind or another, I choose to align with your essential nature and mine, which is Health, not sickness.

And now I am off for my morning walk. One step at a time I will get where I want to be.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • SILLYHP1953
    What an insightful blog...thank you. I sabatoge myself all the time.
    I'm sorry about your sister, 40 is really young.
    2147 days ago
    Big, big hugs. My situation is a little different, but I am right with you on the guilt you feel at being healthy and worrying about YOURSELF when bad things are happening to those you love.

    You hit it on the head and I am going to copy and paste that onto my quotes page to remind me :

    "my being healthy doesn't take away from anybody else!"

    Best wishes for your journey forward!
    2153 days ago
    cancer isn't fair and you have a right to feel sad and angry. I turned my life around after losing my dad two years ago from brain cancer(age 56) and it's been great knowing that I am living the fullest life I can - feeling energy and being more active for my's a way to help cope when you feel up to it....his sickness/death was only a part of my weight gain but it was the emotional eating habit that I had to realize was hurting me more than helping. Good luck and take care- we're all here for you!
    2153 days ago
    besides the obvious grief...the loss of a sibling hits home hard.
    Even more reason to focus on your health for your loved ones and yourself.
    You can't change the past ...but you can honor memories by letting it inspire you.
    2153 days ago
    Me too and I have no real reason for letting them go. Welcome back!
    2153 days ago
    I believe it's important to keep youself healthy for the one's that are still here in your life also. It seems like life is always throwing something at us. Sometimes we have to duck and roll. It's not always pleasent, but necessary.
    With so many things that we can't control it's nice to know we can control our habits. I'm so glad you took the first step to come back. I just love Sparkpeople because it's so forgiving. Every day is a new day!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2153 days ago
    Life can really sideswipe us at times, can't it? Glad you've realized what you were doing and are taking steps to move in the right direction... because you are worth it.

    Blessings of light and lightness,
    2153 days ago
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