Wednesday, March 28, 2012
I've been struggling for a while, especially since my sister was diagnosed with leukemia last summer. I have let go of the healthy habits one by one that I worked so hard to build, and surprise! most of the weight is back. My sister's cancer came back, too, just after Christmas. She died February 6, 2012 at the young age of 40.
Grief takes a toll on us in sometimes sneaky ways. I hadn't connected the way I slid off my healthy program with her illness so directly until just now. She and I had been estranged for nearly 3 years at the time of her death, so in a way I lost her back then. (I did go see her right before she died, but that's a topic for another time.)
This week is the first in a long time that I've managed to string a few days in a row of walking in the morning and tracking my food. But last night, instead of going to bed after my cup of tea, when my food intake for the day was exactly where it should be, instead I went to the refrigerator and finished the leftover rice noodles from dinner. And a box of Nut Thins. And the rest of the gluten free ginger snaps. And watched TV and read until 1 am. (I have to get up at 6:30 to get the kids ready for school).
I think part of me had been sabotaging my weight loss efforts out of some misguided sense of fairness. There is nothing fair about cancer. It comes undeserved, out of the blue. But just as my getting fat cannot help feed the starving children on the other side of the planet, my neglecting myself to match my unhealthy family members does not do any of us any good. And I cannot change them anyway.
But today I am proclaiming that my being healthy doesn't take away from anybody else. I choose to be healthy for me. And I deserve it, because I work for it. And for those I love who struggle with illness of one kind or another, I choose to align with your essential nature and mine, which is Health, not sickness.
And now I am off for my morning walk. One step at a time I will get where I want to be.