Kind of like a breakthrough.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Yesterday, I got to spend all afternoon with my husband and three children. We went four-wheeler riding, hiking, and exploring...it was perfect.
And there was this one moment during it all when I realized that I was having PURE FUN, not thinking about food, calories, weight, exercise, ANYTHING...just FUN.
I'm sure this has happened a couple of times since I began recovery from my eating disorder, but this was the first time I noticed it and fully appreciated what that meant.
It meant that I was completely free to enjoy my family and my time...to soak in the sun and capture some sweet moments with my camera...to really laugh and really enjoy myself without punishing myself for what I'd eaten that day or what I was planning to have when I got back home.
It feels pretty significant. Lately, I've really been starting to understand what it might be like to just LIVE, without "being on a diet" or "exercising off that lunch I just ate." To trust that, hey, I'm working out and eating normal portion sizes and that's pretty all right. Progress on the scale or no, inches lost or not, I'm doing all right.
I'm not bingeing. I'm not purging. I'm not using exercise as a punishment. I'm not obsessively tracking every calorie. I'm not compulsively weighing myself 15 times a day. I'm not letting that number rule my life. I'm actually developing a positive body image.
I actually feel like I'm a good person. Like a NORMAL person. Like someone who may not be perfect, but let's face it, no one is. And trying to be perfect takes a LOT of effort, and usually it's wasted effort.
So yeah. I feel like, for the first time in a long time, I might actually beat this thing. I feel like I would much rather be living my life this way than clinging to an eating disorder that only brought me misery, discomfort, and shame.
I think I'm doing all right.