Sunday, March 25, 2012
I have this mug with a poem on it about how you gotta throw yourself in the river, away from the shore, and let it carry you because the river knows its destination. Trying to catch onto the sides or control your direction will only harm you. I'm trying to let go of the sides and just be present in the current, but I've recently noticed that I'm holding aloft a smartphone and desperately trying to activate the maps applications so I can see where I'm headed.
Weight loss cannot be done with GPS.
And that's been my problem. I've been reading weight loss blogs or taking weight loss tips and poring over weight loss programs... and I just realized I don't actually want to lose weight.
I want something else...
...I want to be able to say "No" when I'm not hungry
...I want to be able to tackle the obstacles in a 5k mud run in my barefoot shoes
...I want to go out to a party and sleep well afterwards, without the headache from the booze or the stomach ache from the sweets
...I want to be able to play in the grass doing cartwheels, jumps, rolls and laughing
...I want to open the fridge and feel like my food is singing to me (right now it is just taunting or slowly decaying!)
...I want to cheer up my intestines so I don't feel bloated on a regular basis
...I want to sweat buckets and then put on a cute dress
I've been hovering around my scale, watching it bounce around (the scale is, for me, a bogus measurement. I change weight within a 5lb window through the day) and it isn't the numbers specifically that bother me. It is the upward trend and the EVIDENCE of my apathy.
There you go, Sparkers, I've been apathetic. I've been cynical and sad and given up. Then I've hawkishly watched the scale to confirm my own failure.
I can't guarantee I've learned my lesson. I'm probably still going to try and micromanage from deep within the river. I'll just have to forgive my meddling and sink under the current again. I love Sparkpeople and while it is specifically a weight loss tool, it is so much more than that. It is a community and a lifeline. I hope that, like Stepfanie Romine, the act of pursuing my own health with ultimately pull my body into sync and turn me into a well-oiled machine. I really like her :)