My cravings are definitely highest when I am sad & bored. On occasions, celebratory things make me want to eat more, or to give myself a treat (cake, ice cream, burger & fries types of things) but I would say sadness and boredom are my biggest trigger.
I wrote a blog about this a couple of weeks ago where I talked about bullying and emotional eating.
"I canít blame the bullying 100% on my self image problems today, but I canít help but think that much of the emotional eating that started during that time (milky ways and swiss cake rolls bought and stashed in my room with my weekly allowance). When I was sad, I would eat, and the happiness that the sugary rush would give me made me feel good. Loved even. Needless to say, I still eat some of those items strictly for comfort factor. Sometimes when I see a box of Swiss Cake Rolls in the store, I stare longingly at them, knowing how Iíll feel after I eat them. Iíd feel good. For a few minutes anyways."
You can read it in its entirety here: crazywidow.info/?p=3880
I can tell you, probably exactly, 2-3 specific bullying cases that really triggered my emotional eating. One was when I was made fun of for wearing these high top black boots in elementary school. They called them "clodhoppers" and "sh*tkickers" and it really annoyed me. I let it annoy me, therefore allowing them to continue harassing me about it. I hated it.
I was a pretty awkward kid - first in my class to have armpit hair, BO, boobs, and that monthly "friend". It made things very difficult for me and I never felt like I fit in. Hence, the milky ways and swiss cake rolls.
I find now, that when I get frustrated about something, someone, or when I feel bad or feel like I MADE someone else feel bad, I want to eat. This morning, man a swiss cake roll sounded REALLY good. Or ordering out with my coworkers for a wonderful Italian sub with all the extras (despite the fact that I have a lovely tasting quiche in the fridge waiting for me). So now, I'm gnoshing on the leftover veggies from yesterdays work meeting trying to not get out the chocolate. Why? Because I feel sad. Bad.
But sadness isn't the only time I eat. When I'm in front of the TV, by myself, just me and my cat, I eat. This habit most likely started when I moved back home with my parents and then my husband died. My hours weren't spent caring for him anymore - I needed to keep my hands busy, my mind busy, I couldn't allow myself to think about the fact that he wasn't in that chair next to me. I ate. And ate and ate. And so, to me, boredom means loneliness. Despite having a wonderful man in my life (the cowboy) now, I still have that alone time, and it's not easy for me to have. I wasn't * meant* to be single, alone, ever. That's why I got married! This dating thing again wasn't part of the big plan. I'm so glad my life has turned around the way it has, but man I do miss my late husband and the life I expected to have. I miss that this dream with him is gone.
So, when it's me and my kitty, despite all that I DO have, I get lonely, I eat to fill the void.
I want to start recognizing these things, as hard as they are. Because I want to do something healthy with those moments.
When I feel sad or like I have hurt someone or they have hurt me - I want to immediately make amends or choose to think and react differently. I don't want to put off that pain and use that time to eat unhealthy things.
When I am bored and in the quiet moments of life I want to embrace them because they are a gift. Quiet moments shouldn't always signal that Kevin is dead and that I'm now alone. It should signal that I have come far and that I can now embrace these moments, do what I please, and be healthy in my quiet time.
Please help me stay aware of these two big triggers - if you see me reaching out saying I'm having a tough day, check in. Ask what I'm going to do to fight against the sad. I want to fight for myself.
Side note: today is a tough day, and I think I figured out why. Tomorrow will the day that Kevin will have been dead longer than I even knew him. I have this day marked in my heart, in my head.