I have my good days. Days when I look and the mirror and don’t see a 40 pound overweight woman.. I see a beautiful lady, with big almond eyes, and long wavy hair and a smile that I have always been complemented on. So I smile, in front of the mirror, and then through the entire day ….
I have my bad days, when I look in the mirror, and I see a fat woman, with ugly arms, and bulging bags of fat hanging from everywhere, and the smile makes it worse. I take a picture of myself.. Who knows the mirror may lie! And I look again… This time, the tears don’t stop. I bite my lips, don’t give up. Change my top, wear something sexier. Still the same, no, worse! I give up, don’t feel good the entire day, avoid talking to people because I feel they would notice how fat I have become and talk about it. All I do that day is wait for the day to be over so I that I could crawl back into bed, never to show my face to the world again.
No, I am not depressed. In fact, I have many more good days then bad days. But the truth is, I want to stop having those bad days. I want to stop looking in the mirror with regret. I want to look, feel sexier.I want to wear sleeveless and backless dresses and look good in them. I want to stop buying clothes in xl size . I want to walk into tight spaces without people calculating mentally onwhether I would be able to pass. I want to stop feeling sorry for taking the largest place in the car pool, or the elevator. I want to stop having to smile through jokes, comments, the so called advices that are made on me, to me. And Most of all, I want to stop hiding now….. no more.. I have had enough. I deserve better!
I have about 35 pounds to lose to reach my goal weight. I have tried before., and I will try again. This time, I have my weapons ready. I have people to support me and motivate me , I have the tools and resources I would need along this journey, I have my fitness and meal plans in place and most importantly, this time, I have me, my full determination , enthusiasm and faith. This time, I know, I wont ever be scared of the mirror again…