Wednesday, March 21, 2012
I finally went and saw my doctor for issues with my constant battle with ED. Even when I said he was gone, I knew in my heart he wasn’t actually gone. Sure maybe I went a month without purging but he was still there; he was there on the days I’d step on the scale and cry over the number or the days I’d look in the mirror and cry over the image looking back at me. He was there on the days I’d get mean to my husband because he went out to lunch and I was stuck spending my lunch at the gym, he was there when I hated skinny people, and he was there when I snapped at my kids because I was tired from too much exercise and not enough calories. He was always there waiting for his chance to come out and ruin my life.
A month ago I finally went and saw the doctor AGAIN for reasons why I was gaining weight despite my continued daily exercise at the gym; sometime multiple times and the constant calorie counting. As sad as this sounds I was hoping for a medical reason; I mean it couldn’t be me causing the weight gain…it just couldn’t. Well after numerous blood tests, again I was found to be healthy; well physically healthy. There is more to being healthy then just physical health, there is emotional health and that is where I was suffering. I never wanted to go on any medications for my anxiety, depression or OCD because of ED. He was there telling me I could handle it all on my own and that the meds would only make me gain even more weight. Little did I realize that by trying to handle all this on my own I was just causing more stress in my life and what is that weight gain…YES more weight gain. It magnified my issues more; see ED causes anxiety over weight, which causes my obsession with weight, which then causes depression when I don’t reach that “perfect” number and the cycle just keeps repeating itself.
I wanted to be happy AGAIN….I wanted to be the old Kelly. At first, we tried some medication for anxiety and it was ok, but I was still so focused on those damn numbers, so I went back and we decided to try medication for OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). I have now been on that for 3 weeks and it is AMAZING!! The only side effect I am suffering seems to be insomnia, but I am finding ways to combat that with either melatonin or Tylenol PM and hoping that with time it goes away. On teh plus side, I can now work out and end my exercise whenever I want now; no more working out until I hit the magical calories burned, miles ran or time spent number. I have also not stepped on the scale in over a week and you know what?...I don’t even have the urge too!
My husband said he truly sees that the meds are helping and I am starting to become my old self again; silly happy Kelly. I also feel sexier even though I don’t even know what I weigh. I am sure I have not lost any weight, but you never know because I longer have the stress or anxiety which can cause weight gain/bloating. I do know that I am glad to not have ED in the background telling me lies and making me unhappy.
Will I have to be on these meds the rest of my life? Hopefully not but for now, I am ok with being on them until I learn how to deal with my weight issues. I tried for 6 years to deal with ED without meds and was unsuccessful,l so I am willing to try this so I can get hid him for a long time. I know he will never leave and that is ok, BUT I will learn how to keep him locked up and away from hurting me or taking away anymore of my precious life.