Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Hi Everyone; I know I have been saying that I would blog and I just haven't done it. To be honest, that has been happening with a lot of things in my life lately. I am going to try to be as honest as I can with you as to how I have been really feeling lately and what I think I can do to help to improve myself, just don't know if I will be successful or not.
First a very good thing that recently happened in my life is my oldest daughter was able to come home from S Korea where she lives ( her DH is stationed there in the Army, so her and her 5 children live there with him) so she came home in Feb for 16 days and the family was so happy to have her home. I was so happy to see her and her sister spend time together, it made me feel so good. She also got to spend time with her BF and lots of other church friends. I had some special time with her and so did her Father. We all had a great visit. It was sad to see her leave but I know her DH and children were missing her bad and couldn't wait for her to return. I did really good not crying in front of any one but I will tell you I did a lot of crying in private. some happy tears, some sad tears.
Okay now I will talk about me. Any one who knows me knows that about 8 years ago I suffered a massive stroke. over the next 3 years after the stroke I have suffered grand mal seizures, each one worse than the one before. thank the Lord it has been 3 or 4 yrs since my last seizure. My neurosurgeon refers to me as a miracle but I thank the Lord for my miracle. So what's my problem you ask?
I feel like I am losing myself, the person that I use to be and I don't want to lose that person. Okay I am going to admit it, I am depressed and I know why. it is because I can't keep up with daily routines like cleaning my house and I can't believe I am posting this for all to read but even daily showers. I put off everything. I fall asleep at the drop of a hat.
I have recently started having my severe headaches again. I sent a message to my neurosurgeon yesterday and he called me back today ( I really think I am one of his fav patients) He recently put me on topomax which is a seizure med but it also helps headaches and was having me take 2 at bedtime because it tends to make you tired. today he told me to start tonight taking 3 daily and if in the next 2 weeks I don't see a improvement in the headaches then raise the dosage to 4 daily.
I also talked to him about my being so tired and he once again explained to me that my energy level will be very low with all the medication I take and with these headaches.
He took the time to talk to me and that was a comfort.
Now I have to deal with the depression. I said above that I know why I am depressed. It is because I am losing myself. I use to be a happy person loving type person. I loved going to work because I loved the people I worked with. I use to sing Christmas carols in July and everyone would expect that from me. I would be crazy. I loved to make people laugh and I love to laugh myself. All those people that were my friends I no longer see because I am stuck in my house. Those are my kind of people, they get me, know what I mean? I can really be Linda with them and have fun fun fun! Feels like those days are gone forever. I am not trying to have a pity party for myself, I know how lucky I am; I have heard it many times and I believe it and I thank God daily. I asked my DH tonight if he though I was depressed and he said yes, he said the only time I am happy is when I am with my daughters. I told him and with him too, he didn't think so, I thought my heart was going to break right then. Am I dragging him down with me. If so How do I help him?
My head is pounding right now and I think I have to stop, getting too emotional. will try to keep blogging
I love all my true Spark friends