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Monday, March 19, 2012

I'm not really sure what to say, but I feel like I have to say something. Things took a major downturn this week and I started planning to kill myself. I told Dom and I'm going to see my psychiatrist tomorrow, and Dom is with me, so I'm safe right now, there's no need to worry about that. And I guess I'm feeling a little better.

The real problem is that this isn't just my usual random run-of-the-mill depression. I'm depressed because I'm very unhappy with my current situation. On my third straight day of crying I burst out to my husband, ''I'm just so angry!'' I'm not typically a very angry person, so I surprised myself. But it's true. I am totally mad at the world right now, and I just need someone to help me talk it out. As much as I've railed against psychodynamic therapy in the past, I really think I just need to dump all this emotional crap on someone and start sorting through it.

So I am making contact with a local psychologist. I was hoping that wouldn't be necessarily but obviously I can't go around being suicidal. My doc also gave me permission to up my meds to the full therapeutic dose, and that's helping me too.

I couldn't even say how I feel right now. The meds are helping but I feel so emotionally detached I'm not sure if it's good or bad. I can't cry anymore. I'm starting to feel some hope for the future but I still have no idea how I'm going to work it out.

I do know that my husband will not let me kill myself. He told me if I throw my life away, he'll throw his away, and if that's emotional blackmail it's just fine by him. I love my husband and I just can't hurt him like that. So I guess suicide is off the table.

And so I guess the question that remains is, what now?
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Hi, I have accidentally stumbled on your page, and have seen your pictures. You know what was the first thought I had: wow, wish I was that pretty and sweet. And that you must have a great relationship with your husband, because you two just look so cute together. Trust me, I know how it is to be depressed, and how it is to see no light at the end of the tunnel. Have been studying myself for many years and was in a very similar situation to your one. I know too well it is almost impossible to look at yourself from the outside, and judge things like that. But let me give you what i think as an outsider about you: I think you are so strong because you dare to talk about your feelings, share them with people so that we all know there is hope out there: there is therapy and there are meds and doctors who can help. Not everyone is that courageous to tell about innermost thought, and I appreciate you treat it as it is: depression, an illness that can be addressed and there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of about it. Having a happy relationship, a marriage for five years and still studying - do not think you are doing an easy job there. Be proud of yourself! emoticon
    2143 days ago
  • OOLALA53
    I went through years of very depressed thoughts and battled with them without medical intervention, but they did get suicidal, like yours. I gave in and am glad I did. I still work with my thinking a lot but I believe I would be dead if I had not accepted medical help. I don't believe they have all the answers, but they can keep you alive while you look.

    Isn't if funny? I'm single and sometimes still believe that my thinking would never get seriously out of whack if I had a loving husband whom I loved, too. But the mind is trickier than that. The outer situations are never the real problem or the real solution. It is an inside job and you can get better!
    2186 days ago
    I've been there too. I'm so glad you reached out to someone. I'm thinking of you!
    2187 days ago
    One hour, one day at a time. Sending positive thoughts your way for atrength and healing.
    2188 days ago
    See the psychologist, and take it one day at a time. One hour at a time if you have to. Good luck, hon...I'm pulling for you.
    2188 days ago
  • LVZ617
    I have been where you are, and I know it is very hard. Some people say that depression is anger buried and turned inwards. You are taking steps to take care of yourself, by telling your husband, the doctor and therapist.
    One of the things I was told to do was make a list of 10 people (with numbers) and carry it with me at all times. This included the local mental health crisis line. I never used it, but it was comforting to know it was there.
    One of the other things I did, and sometimes still do, is tell myself that I don't have to do anything else for the next 5 minutes except breathe. That has gotten me through a lot of tough times, taking it 5 minutes at a time. I am glad I persisted, but it has been a long journey for me.
    Keep writing, and let us know that you are OK.

    The butterfly is a symbol of new life, which I am starting to find on the other side of the darkness.
    2188 days ago
    The fact that you realize your problem and are accepting help is fantastic. Never try to tackle depression alone. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
    2188 days ago
    I can totally empathize. Suicide is not a solution and I am glad you are seeing someone and your husband is taking care of you. Hugs, I hope you get this sorted out soon.
    2188 days ago
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