Monday, March 19, 2012
I'm not really sure what to say, but I feel like I have to say something. Things took a major downturn this week and I started planning to kill myself. I told Dom and I'm going to see my psychiatrist tomorrow, and Dom is with me, so I'm safe right now, there's no need to worry about that. And I guess I'm feeling a little better.
The real problem is that this isn't just my usual random run-of-the-mill depression. I'm depressed because I'm very unhappy with my current situation. On my third straight day of crying I burst out to my husband, ''I'm just so angry!'' I'm not typically a very angry person, so I surprised myself. But it's true. I am totally mad at the world right now, and I just need someone to help me talk it out. As much as I've railed against psychodynamic therapy in the past, I really think I just need to dump all this emotional crap on someone and start sorting through it.
So I am making contact with a local psychologist. I was hoping that wouldn't be necessarily but obviously I can't go around being suicidal. My doc also gave me permission to up my meds to the full therapeutic dose, and that's helping me too.
I couldn't even say how I feel right now. The meds are helping but I feel so emotionally detached I'm not sure if it's good or bad. I can't cry anymore. I'm starting to feel some hope for the future but I still have no idea how I'm going to work it out.
I do know that my husband will not let me kill myself. He told me if I throw my life away, he'll throw his away, and if that's emotional blackmail it's just fine by him. I love my husband and I just can't hurt him like that. So I guess suicide is off the table.
And so I guess the question that remains is, what now?