The concept of losing 90 lbs seems so foreign to me...but here I am, living proof. I can't deny I've lost that, although no one at work know just how much I've lost. 90 lbs? Ninety pounds.
Over the last month my work pants (which I bought in January, size 12) have been getting baggier and baggier, and I've had to belt them. Then Thursday I threw them on with my belt and fuuuu....the belt I bought in January had no more holes to fit. So I had to switch belts because it was too big on me. Easy fix though, I'll punch a couple extra holes. But still. I walked into work and a coworker looked me up and down.
She: It's time for some new pants.
Me: I know! Is it that obvious?
She: Yes! *laughs*
So I dived into my 8-year old stash of smaller clothes that night, hoping to score some pants. I had 2 pair left. They didn't fit a couple weeks ago when I tried them on last to see. I crossed my fingers.
One pair were size 11's, which I had worn often at the smallest size I remember being 8 years ago....which was about 20 lbs lighter than now. Also a pair of size 10's, which I may have bought when the scale started to creep back up slightly and I was determined to fit them. I never wore the 10's as they never fit me. Until now. 8 years later. 8 year old sized 10's. *fans myself*
I have a picture of myself in the 11's somewhere, I will have to pull it out and see if I do indeed look similar. I must if I can fit them now. Here is a picture of me in the 8 year old sized 10's on Friday:
Don't mind the sweater, I know it is too big on me.
SO I went shopping Friday night with a friend. A woman cannot subsist on 1 pair of cream-coloured work pants alone, I don't care that I may only wear them for 2 months or so. I needed another. I am loving going shopping now. Things fit. Lots of things fit. For example- the size 8 pants from the same store I've been buying all my pants from, and medium tops!!! SIZE 8! MEDIUMS! ME! BOOM!
Well, vanity sized 8's...seeing as the 8 year-old 10's/11's also fit. ...which are probably vanity sized from the couple decades previous. I digress.
So I bought some clearance sweaters as well. Can't go wrong for about $10 each- buy one get one at $1. Ha! So now I actually own some sweaters/tops that fit....for now.
Thing is, I don't own any more pants in any smaller sizes. I never fit into anything smaller 8 years ago. I have nothing more to compare to. I have to start forming a mental idea of what I will look like for the next almost 30 lbs. I have no frame of reference.
I could write a whole blog about this weird shift in my frame of body reference, but I'll condense it for now here as it stands. I lost weight about 8 years ago. I gained it back and then some(!). Folks- it's easy to gain weight. Terribly easy. Especially when you give up on your healthy eating and working out and revert back into old eating habits. Anyways, on the way back up the scale 8 years ago I saw myself as the slimmer me. And then a rude and harsh fat reality set in. I wasn't slim anymore. And that was stressing and depressing. And I ate more. Which made me even more obese. And I didn't view myself as slim anymore and I wanted to hide. Do calories count when no one sees you eating them? Why yes, yes they do. No matter how much you wish they didn't, your body always knows and shows. So now this time losing weight I've viewed myself as really overweight (when I did open my eyes to that reality). I've viewed myself as bigger than my friends. Than all of them. I was. But even with 90 lbs lost I still have/had that view. Until Friday night, when that view shifted. My friend could fit 10's or 12's, and I fit 8's. I stood in front of the mirror in an outfit I was trying on and she walked out of the fitting room in size 10's and the same sweater I had on. I was smaller than her. I am smaller than her. When and how did that happen? Just the other day we were visiting and I *swear* I saw myself as much larger than her.
Some of my Sparklypeeps may have noticed that I lost 4 lbs this past week. I have lost 90 lbs over 50 weeks. That averages just under 2 lbs a week. February I lost 6 lbs total. February I had a week off and spend 2-3 hours in the gym almost all of the 9 days. I ate for 8/9 days on track I believe. I even added calories in to compensate for the extra working out. I gained .2 lbs. what the F? This week I missed 3 days of work sick in bed, worked out 4/7 days and ate all within my range and lost 4 lbs. what the F? Some days/weeks I don't know what happens. I just have to trust that my body is doing its thing and if I feed it healthily it will reward me.
Which brings me to the lesson portion of this blog. Lessons I've learned.
* I cut out sweets, baked goodies, added sugar and eating out at restaurants randomly with friends for Lent. Meaning I cut out chocolates, all 'unnecessary' meals out, added sugar except for my Splenda Brown Sugar on my oatmeal, and cakes, cookies, treats. Lent is not supposed to be easy. February was a rough/slippery path for me when it came to the sweets, and I wanted to show myself that I could do it. Plus I've wanted to see what going without added sugars would be like. You know what? I have NO sugar cravings. I don't crave sugar. I don't get the sugar rushes after I eat a 'half piece' of Nanaimo bar or whathaveyou. Foods have become sweeter, and my cravings for real whole foods have increased in a good way. I am not worrying now if the sugary, nutritionally void item can fit into my day.
* Did this cutting out of sugars help me lose 4 lbs this week and 3 the week before? In my mind they have. Now instead of eating the calories in nutritionally void foods I am using those calories to eat clean, delicious, nutritious foods, which the body loves. I am not mourning the loss of these foods now. I think for the time being at least, I have reached a slightly better understanding of how food reacts with my body and the effects sugar has on it.
Call it a sugar-shift enlightenment.
I am forming many new memories and images of me at this weight/size. For example:
I JUST RAN A SHAMROCK SHUFFLE 5k!!!!!!
I ran it at a 7:07 pace I believe. I ran it in 36:22. My first.race.ever. I was the one wearing pink. LOL
I have 2 more races planned. Me. Running. Running in actual races. Like, not in my head but out with people. LOL. I never thought I'd ever be a runner. But I am.
And for comparison:
I almost can't believe that was me. I'm proud of myself and how far I've come.