Friday, March 16, 2012
I'm peeved. "Training, not Trying" has gotten me all of nowhere. Sure my training is going GREAT, but not trying has gained me a whopping 4 pounds in less than a month.
So we're not doing that anymore.
I'm depressed. I don't like it when things don't go my way and I'll admit that I'm a difficult person to be around lately. I don't want to be around me, why would anyone else want to? But I think there's a lesson in here. This is one of those places where I need to love me more. And apparently that's what I'm trying to do with the food. I'm feeding myself to love myself in a really stinking hard time, because that's the habit I know. I really can't blame myself for that. But what I can do is step back and feel a little empathy for me and, really, commend me for trying to be so sweet. It's like a small child who TRIES to do something good and sweet and meaningful for you when you're feeling down, but just gets it all wrong. In the end, it's kind of cute and laughable. So that's all I'm doing here. The thing that I think is best to make it all better.
The problem is that it's not helping. It's hindering.
I have exactly one month from today until I reach my 2 year Sparkversary. And I guarantee you that blog is going to be significantly different than the one I wrote a year ago at the height of my happiness. It's been a rough year. But I think it's been just as important a year as the one in which I lost 100 pounds. This year I've been working on losing more brain-weight. And unfortunately, that's not as recognizable on the outside. And that's why I'm upset. Because you don't get commended on a regular basis for losing brain-weight. And the commendations for losing the physical weight just don't feel the same anymore. I actually have gotten to a point of frustration with people when they say I look amazing because right now, I don't FEEL amazing. It's a hard place to be in.
So I've made some changes - AGAIN. I feel like I'm grasping at straws here and that I'm not actually giving any of these theories a long enough test run to see if they really DO work before deciding that they don't and moving on to something else - but at least I am still committed and still interested in making something happen in terms of the scale. I've decided that I can't just NOT try at all because that leads me to binge eating and drinking every weekend with the excuse of "I'm training for a marathon and burning SO many calories." Well - that's all fine and dandy when it's about 3 weeks before the marathon and my training mileage has peaked at roughly 50 miles a week. But right now I'm still only running 15 miles a week. Which, don't get me wrong, is more weekly miles than I have ever run before, but still isn't going to tackle the additional 2000 calories a day that I can consume in a binge or out drinking with my friends. But to be fair, I AM burning extra calories, so eating only 1500 calories a day is NOT going to cut it. So I adjusted my tracker back to a place where I am perfectly comfortable - between 1800-2000 calories a day, burning at least 2000 calories a week. I'm comfortable with that. That range allows me to eat a decent breakfast when I wake up hungry after a night run the day before. It allows me to eat a substantial lunch and snacks during the day so I'm not constantly obsessing over when my next meal is going to be. And best of all, it allows me to eat an entire footlong Subway sandwich if I so desire...and sometimes I do (like tonight). It also allows me room to carb load before a long run and still stay within my range for the day - which, let's face it, makes us all feel good. I wish it weren't about the numbers, but for me, it's about the numbers. The numbers on the scale, the numbers on the tracker, the number of miles run or laps in the pool. I also have a theory that my body will respond better with a higher burn rate and MORE food. We'll see. If it's true - it will make me a VERY happy camper. But really, I just want to lose 5-7 pounds by this time next month so that I can officially say that I've broken my almost year-long plateau for my 2 year Sparkversary. Yes, that would surely be a gift, because at this point I really do feel like I've tried everything else.
But here's to small wins - two of them today that have me thinking all is not lost:
1. Today I ran for the third day in a row this week. Before this week I had never run two days in a row let alone 3. In all my race training, I have always run every other day to allow my body time to heal and rest in between and because I do so much other cross training. But my marathon training is really picking up now because of this achievement tonight. I'm definitely looking forward to my rest day tomorrow, but I'm proud of myself for getting through this week. And I actually feel pretty good, which is also a surprise. My legs are in good shape and still feel light when I'm running, not heavy and pounding like they sometimes can - so this is a GOOD sign that my training is doing what it's supposed to do and my body is responding accordingly.
2. I'm working on a sugar detox this month. I have identified some definite trigger areas and one is a chocolate bowl at work of the baby chocolate bars, Kisses, Dove chocolates and other naughty stuff. Seeing that bowl usually provokes an automated reaction from me. I grab and eat, grab and eat without ever usually thinking about it. So after a grab today in a moment of high stress, I put the bars down on my desk, looked at them and said to them out loud "I don't need you right now" and then I walked (and pouted a bit) back to the bowl and put them back. My work colleague laughed at my pouting and said I resembled a 4 year old in a "time out" but that she was proud of me. And like a 4 year old in a "time out", two minutes later, I forgot all about them.
It's become my mantra of sorts. I'm still here. I'm still fighting. It might not look like much, but it takes heart and courage and determination to stay in a place like this without quitting. So to my fellow peeps in P-ville, I've got your back and we'll get through this. I never thought it would happen to me, to be honest, but now that it has I need to be as grateful for this struggle as for the fast weight loss. For in the end, it will be this struggle that makes me strong enough to know that I have what it takes to stick with this for life.