Thursday, March 15, 2012
I am seriously thinking of switching my food plan to Weight Watchers instead of Nutrisystem. I've been thinking about this for a while. I have no idea why as I was NEVER this successful with WW before. I am losing so well with NS, having no problems following the program, know how to flex and eat my own foods instead of theirs (I haven't don'e it, but I know how to). I have at least 10 sets of WW program materials and never got below 222 and that was when the WW program was an exchange program like Nutrisystem. I have not weighed this, 194, since late elementary school. So I've examined this urge to switch.
I am scared. Scared to death. Scared I WILL reach my goal weight. Why is the next question.
My whole life I've been the fat girl. It kept me from things. I allowed my weight and my status as the fat girl to do that. It was a way to keep me from having to take risks. Not many men wanted to date me, so the risk of heartache was limited (I really believed that at the time. I later discovered that the men I was attracting for other reasons were more likely to cause heartache, but that's another blog!). I loved to sing, and was good enough to be invited to perform in a national young adult group. I allowed myself to believe that they wouldn't want a fat girl and didn't follow through. I didn't get parts I wanted in plays and musicals and I told myself it was because I was fat. I never considered that I didn't get the part because someone else was more experienced and simply better than I was at that time. If I take away "fat girl" as a reason, it has to be me.
I didn't want it to be me. I had a horrible childhood and heard the entire time about how terribly awful I was, how I didn't deserve anything good, how I just wasn't as good as ________ (insert name of someone else in the family here). I thought I had worked through a lot of that. I know my mom was powerless over her family, she did the best she could with the tools and resources she had (which were limited), and I really do believe that. The rest of the family had issues that were not ME. I was simply an easy acceptable choice to blame since my mother was unable/unwilling to speak up or act in my defense. She wanted them to love and accept her, too. They were not a a loving bunch. We are all "broken" in some way as a result of being in that environment.
They are gone now. I am an adult. I am successful. They were wrong. Their actions and words were about them, not me. If I was broken as a result of others' words and actions it is now my responsibility to fix myself. I am a kind, loving person. I have a wonderful life. I am happy. I have a wonderful husband who has always seen beauty in my soul, sometimes when I didn't know it was there. I am a good mother. Our daughter is strong and kind and funny and accepting of all others and expects others to accept her JUST AS SHE IS and if they don't she learns it the first time and moves on without being unkind. I know a lot of that is simply who she is but we have nurtured those inherent traits.
So why is the fear of success still there? I am in new territory. If I'm not the "fat girl" who am I? And how do I find out? I love the changes in myself. Is the urge to quit a program I know will get me to goal simply like the occasional urge to eat a whole bag of chips? I still have those kinds of thoughts/feelings/urges. I acknowledge them and move on. The desire to do WW instead of NS is because I know I can work in some foods I don't eat now. I also know I can't have "just a little" of those foods so I know I will not make any further progress if I consume them. That's how I know the thought of switching is based in fear of achieving my goal. Is it like an alcoholic who thinks about drinking and doesn't anyway? Is that just where I need to get in my head? I've told myself I'm not allowed to make any changes to my food plan before April. That got me through February. Do I just need to keep moving the date? Is this thought process simply my new reality?
I do NOT want to go back to where I was and I know this urge is my mind trying to get me back to what was known, since unknown is scary. Do I just acknowledge the feelings and move on, doing what I know is the healthy thing to do?
Has anyone else ever felt like this?