Tuesday, March 13, 2012
It's starting to get crazy. My husband and I are revving up for several weeks of crazy activity. First, we're going to Austin for SXSW tomorrow. We come back Monday and a friend is staying at our house, then my mother, then it is my birthday, then we go on a trip to Tennessee, then a trip to St John!
I know when things start to get busy like this, I start to lose focus. Already, last night, I had planned to have a green machine juice for dinner... then around 10pm I talked myself into finishing off the rest of the leftovers in the fridge. It was all pretty healthy stuff, but led to a high calorie count for the day. And I wasn't even hungry... I was just feeling overwhelmed with all the work I have to do.
It's been over a week of higher-than-I'd-like calorie counts.
Lately, I've felt a bit confused. I don't plan on eating vegetables all the time, but I'm eating them so much I feel guilty when I'm not eating them. I've started questioning how bad carbs really are, or if it's even that necessary to stay away from sugar. You see, I'm not diabetic. I don't have any health problems at all, except for about 10 lbs on my frame that doesn't need to be there. My BMI is okay. I could look better, sure, but honestly, I weigh less right now than I did in high school.
I've been asking myself - Why am I doing all this again? Because I read the Omnivore's Dilemma and saw a movie about juicing? Have I talked myself into thinking I am unhealthy when I'm really not? Why do I feel like it's a character flaw that I can't do a juice fast for just 1 meal? Why am I trying this stuff at all? Am I crazy?
At times like this, I know I just can't listen to these voices. These are the voices that will doom me to fail and make me eat all our salmon and mushrooms for no reason.
First, I question... then, I go over in my calories a little, then I eat bad meals, then I start eating donuts again and drinking too much coffee and alcohol, then I stop tracking because I don't want to know... then I stop weighing myself. Then all the good I've done goes to waste. Next thing I know, I weigh 135 again and I feel moody and bloated and miserable and I stop wearing shorts to the gym.
Sure, the voices are right, I'm not Obese. But, I am overweight. I am in a constant struggle with exercise due to my 2 injuries. And I know this struggle is only going to get harder in my life. I have to watch my diet because as I age, I see that my body is changing. It's not getting easier to maintain my weight. I have to improve my diet because I am small, my food intake is relatively little, and to be healthy, I need to make sure those calories are 80% good for me.
So that leads me back to... Well, what ARE my goals, really?
I feel like I have listed all this before, in my head. But perhaps I haven't done it this year yet on paper. It's time to do it again.
1) Eat more vegetables INSTEAD of refined carbs and meats (not in addition to).
2) Buy and Eat more local food.
3) Watch unrefined sugars - don't use them as a pick-me-up. And use refined sugar as an occasional treat, not an everyday or every meal indulgence.
4) Stay within my calorie targets - toward the low end of the range when I'm not working out!
5) Abstain from full-caf products and alcohol during my TWW. (and Don't replace these things with food).
6) Maintain a gym routine.
7) Be bikini- ready by St. John (that's at least 7 lbs away... ! I'm 129lbs as of this post)
8) Weigh myself weekly.
9) Enjoy food openly.
10) Eat with friends & in front of others.
11) Track during difficult times & when I see an increase in my weight.
12) Take it easy on cheese, nuts, peanut butters, hummus. Eat these things in small portions, and not all at once.
13) Copy behaviors of people I think have good habits.
14) Try not to beat myself up (too much). -- I was so mad at myself last night, and I took my anger at myself out on my husband. Instead of doing that, I should 1) stick to my plans above and 2) not freak out when I go off my plan. That only makes it all so much worse.
15) MOST IMPORTANT -- Chill OUT. Relax. ENJOY VACATION with all 5 senses... not JUST taste.
Eating less isn't going to make my life harder or worse. If anything it will help emphasize all the other parts of life I neglect when I spend my evening with my face in the fridge. All those other things that I'm nervous I haven't finished yet.
To truly relax, I have to put away the food, turn to those tasks, and check them off one by one. Avoiding my busy life will only make it feel more frenzied, and will only drive me to the very foods and overeating styles I've committed to avoiding.