Sunday, March 11, 2012
So, here I am wondering why....Why did my mother/daughter relationship have to be so hard with my mother???? Did all that stuff she did and didnt do really matter in the end???
All I know is that now that who she is/was is not being effected by the morphine the essence of who she is is able to truely send me unconditional love! I feel her love more then I ever did, let alone a mere 14days ago when she was still in this realm.
I miss her so much, and although she wasnt ever really able to be a mother to me past the age of about 8yrs old, she has become my mommy now that she has passed....how....Well its like this a true mother shows you the way, she teaches and instructs you, she loves you and is proud of every little attempt you make to do a good job, she loves you even when your well meaning attepts cause you fall flat your face, she lovingly guides you with wisdom that is far beyond your years, she wispers in your ear words of encouragment, she believes the best in you, she draws out your inner strengths for you to see, and even thou she isnt perfect you love her because she is only doing better then what she personally knows.
Now, although our realtionship was rocky, we were only able to accomplish the last two on that list! I am glad that we did that before she passed! But through her passing she has become all the other things on that list! I feel her with me and only wish that I could hug her one last time! I know that after being confirmed dead she came to infront of her nurse, police officers, and my brother....opened one eye fully and both eyes looked at me...fully flooring the PD and all so they didnt know what time of death to place on the certificate and just placed the time they finally finished their reports...no that was my mom!
It is hard to believe it was only 17 days ago that I hugged her and took her out with plans for the next few days. It is even harder to think that it was 16 days ago that I talked to her about what was stressing her out and calmed her down, then told her a few things about my classes that were crazy, and she listened. The 15th day I went to my all day class and came home and slept from 6pm until 4:30am the morning of her passing. Little did I know she was still up and I was doing homework waiting for her to wakeup to call her! When I got a call from them at 9am in the morning the nurse had already gotten there and she and my brother found her in bed, asleep for good, the paramedics already responded and declared her gone. That fast!
I never thought that I would be in my mid-therties with her gone and having to take responsibility for my brother that through his learning disablities has become one of my heros and all in his early 20's.
Life is short, so I hope that I can heal. I hope I never think that a 4am call to someone is going to inconveince them or them me again...I hope I can drop that Western mindset and know that we only have today!