Goals: Coming out of the Darkness
Sunday, March 11, 2012
I know it has been awhile since I have done a “real” blog. Lots of stuff going on: big changes at work and house ownership! These are HUGE things and HUGE things are stressful (to say the least) and stress, for me equals eating. Usually, under such circumstances I would turn to my treadmill for stress coping that didn’t involve copious amount of sugar. Unfortunately, my treadmill motor fried and took the circuit board with it. After a month long process of trying to replace it via extended warranty means, I chose to cope with my past methods: Sweet Foods. Did you know that it is Girl Scout Cookie season? Yeah. Cookies, marshmallows, graham crackers, ice cream .… anything with sugar involved. Things started to unravel, and Fat Girl saw her chance to pounce. Y’all remember her? The one I made my apologies to in an effort to move on? Yeah, she apparently didn’t accept. Instead she has been waiting, peering out from the dark depths of the insecure corner of my brain for that moment when Fit Girl started to struggle. That moment came these past couple months. I had been working SO hard and I was seeing REAL results. Abs, people, I was starting to see REAL ABS!!! I had put on a couple more pounds, but my measurements and Body Fat % have never been lower. So what happened? Fat Girl pounced. She was hungry and sugar deprived and CRAZY! She tied up Fit Girl in that dark corner, and tried to take control. She was pretty ruthless. She convinced me that I just didn’t care. After all, Girl Scout Cookie season is just once a year. She used that argument a LOT. LOL. You would think I would quit falling for it. I mean, Valentine’s Day comes once a year (every year). Easter comes once a year (every year). GS Cookies come once a year (every year). Are you sensing a pattern too? So did Fit Girl who was screaming and fighting her way out of her dark corner. Her desperate screams were enough to keep me from completely destroying all of her hard work in the name of stress and comfort. I have managed to ‘maintain’ rather than explode. Unfortunately, I now have buried those abs I had discovered under a flubbery layer of "comfort". I have fallen away from running on a regular schedule. That is the part of this that makes me mad. I can deal with everything else, because I know that I can turn it around. I was there once, and I will be there again, but when you start to mess with my running then you have gone too far.
Fat Girl, you have gone TOO FAR! And now you have to pay for what you did. Fit Girl fought, she struggled, and she gnawed her way out of the sugar restraints you thought would bind her, and now she is PISSED. I tried to be nice. I tried to put you to rest. I offered my apologies and I promised that I would treat you with the respect that you never got from me. I promised to keep you healthy and glowing and THIS is how you treat me?!? No. Not cool, Fat Girl, NOT COOL! So guess what, the gloves are coming off. You want to doubt me?: You want to drown me in the negative thoughts and feeling you have towards me, towards yourself? You want to choke me with self-hate? No, I will show you. I will show you what I can do. What I WILL do. You think you can break me? No. You poison my mind with the thoughts that I cannot do the things I dream of. You cloud my head with the idea that I will find my self-worth in a box of cookies or a carton of ice cream. No. I am a beast. I am an animal and you tried to cage me with these ridiculous games. I will lose the weight you have piled on me in hopes of breaking me down. I will do more than I ever thought I would want to do. I will become a Marathoner. You think you know me? You know fear, and guilt, and hatred that breeds doubt. I am past that. I am running from that, and I will continue to run. I will leave it behind me. I will soar to heights I have never been before. I will be a Super Hero. I will be a Rock Star. I will be a Marathoner. I will show you. This is the kind of goal that will affect all parts of my body, mind and soul, and that includes you, Fat Girl. That includes you! You are going to sweat, too. Oh, yes, you will sweat and you will hurt and you will learn the hard way that you can’t break me. I won’t be the reason I fail. I won’t be the reason you fail either.
My goal for 2012 is to complete a Marathon. It’s time to move to another level. I am no longer content where I am. I’m ready to do more, be more. Its time.