Friday, March 09, 2012
So my boyfriend is amazing. Let me say that first thing. and he does SUPPORT me in the things I do. But today my real dad sent us a housewarming gift: 2- $25 dollar gift cards to go out for a nice dinner, and a Wal-Mart gift card with $250 on it. Which is great. My boyfriend was at work and I decided to go ahead and do some shopping.
I got the things he likes our regulars: Stuff for pita pizzas, milk, cinnamon rolls, ground beef, mio, and stuff to make one of his favorite dinners.. Chicken Alfredo with Fettuccine. And then I bought some things for me so I can start this lifestyle change of right.. frozen vegetables, eggs, yogurt, turkey burgers, fat free shredded cheddar cheese, crystal light, mustard.. a few basics. I also spent $20 ($24?) dollars on a bathroom scale and $1 ($2?) on a pint size mixer that will be great for pancakes (which Austin loves.) He wasn't to happy about the scale but the mixer that I spent a dollar something, he got onto me for it.
And yes this is the stupid part but I have a habit of trying to find a place to be alone when I'm upset. It helps me to just be alone and clear my head. But Austin is someone who feels the need to talk about it right then and there (which I know is logical.) He calls what I do running and hiding and acting like a child.. Which I realize yes it is similar to how a child would act. I remember when I was little in the childrens home when I would get in trouble and I would lock myself in the bathroom with ALL my stuffed animals and cry. Or hide up in the cabinet in my closet. And tonight I walked off shut every door I came to and locked the final one (the bathroom door) and sat on the floor of the closet.. and when he came knocking which was immediately like always. I didn't open the door. He took it off the hinges to get in. And of course as his logical self tried to talk to me, which I wasn't ready to talk yet. and He pulled me out of the closet and made me go to the couch to talk. But then I couldn't look at him because I was crying. (ACTING LIKE A CHILD I KNOW) So then he talked to me about how we don't have money that we can just spend on anything and how we can't afford to buy just whatever whenever.. and then he went on about how I shouldn't be buying separate food for each of us (but he won't eat vegetables at all) and how he realizes I want to eat better and be healthy but then he gets onto me for the vegetables??? I just.. I'm trying to do my best and I realize that we don't have money.. and we could have gone without spending $26 bucks on a pancake mixer and scale but the rest I feel was justified. and I really wanted the pancake mixer because he eats the pancakes but I have to make them and I never get it right when its in a bowl and it was just $2.
And earlier he was asking why I didn't get sweets, cookies, ice cream, and chips but those are things only he would be eating.. just like the soda and most if not all of the cinnamon rolls, oh and milk and mayo.
I just feel so dumb.. for the pancake thing, the door off the hinges, crying..
But God when I cry he is always there for me.. To wipe my eyes, to clean me up, and cheer me up. To tell me I'm perfect and he'll always love me and that everything is okay. He truly is great.. and makes me feel so loved when he takes the time to wipe my runny mascara eyes with his white shirt. To pull me in the bathroom (even when I don't want to go) to get a washcloth to wash my face and cool down my head and chest. And when nothing else works he will wrestle with me and literally lick the tears from my face and eyes to make me laugh. Or when my night shirt wasn't dry (I have to sleep in a very loose shirt) and he took one of his own and stretched it out to make it perfect for me to sleep in with a big big neck and arm wholes so that it was extremely lose.. He is really and truly the man for me. I just need to learn to talk, to look people in the eyes, to not be how I was raised (Silent, Shy, Submissive.)
He always knows how to make me feel amazing, he tell me when we're talking about things I always come up with things that amaze him or make him think.. because he would have never come up with the same thought. Like the other day when for some reason we were discussing how cool/weird it would be if someone invented a little robot that you insert in your tear duct, so that when you cry it's lemon-lime soda. And how people would always be making themselves cry it that were true and I said something stupid about "think of all those kids who'd have Hawaiian punch stained faces from their tears" and he just thought it was amazing that I would think something like that. Because he didn't know where the thought would have come from.
well I guess we're off to buy him some cookies