Friday, March 09, 2012
I grew up in a family where I was the, "oddball." I can still remember hearing my Mother say how different I was from the others, my siblings. My Mom was a seamstress and she would sew a lot of our clothes and with one boy and four girls, most of our dresses were sewn by her and they were beautiful. I recall her saying how she had to, "allow" on the patterns or make everything bigger to fit me. I never saw myself the way she and my Dad did and no one ever told me I was fat, but them! Well, my Mother didn't come right out and say that, but my Dad did. They are good people, with their own struggles, that did the best they could raising all of us and I love them dearly.
When I grew older and began puberty, it seemed a lot of, "other" people began to notice my, "figure" and I didn't have a clue what to expect. I was shapely, even though I always weighed more than most of the girls and a lot of the guys my age. I was told I had big bones, I had a lot of muscles and that I carried the weight well, that others could not see that I weighed as much as I did... but I knew and it was always in the back of my mind. I hated being weighed. I also hated shopping for clothes and seeing the look in peoples eyes when they saw the sizes I needed. although to me, again, they were not extreme.
I became pregnant young, married young and then had another baby. My weight was up and down, but I was again, never considered, "obese" just a little overweight. It wasn't until a divorce, married again and had a third child, that the weight really began to show up more. But still, I was solid, not flabby and I was able then, to power walk and with my then, new husband, enjoyed eating different foods I had never had as a country girl. *smile* I began to gain weight, started having some health issues, but the doctors didn't offer any help or good positive advice. I was basically happy and with a man that loved me no matter how big or small I was.
It was then, I became depressed. My husband was in the Navy and out at sea quite often so I would work on losing some weight while he was away to look better when he came home. The depression became worse and I ended up in the hospital. That's when the medications began, my self esteem bottomed out and I had a difficult time controlling it this time around. My moods were up and down and of course, the doctors felt pills and therapy where the answer. They gave everything a big name, even though now I am on "no medications" and doing well in that area.
I chose to have a medical procedure called an, "Abdominalplasty," or tummy tuck. The doctor removed about sixteen pounds of skin and fat that was hanging in my lap and causing problems with my back. The surgery ruined me and caused other problems. Even today, with gaining weight from Thyroid problems, a fractured back, Fibromyalgia, Arthritis, a blood clotting disorder and other medical problems, when I look at myself in the mirror and see the huge scars, that start between my breasts all the way down through my belly button to my pubic area and around to my back, just leaving a few inches between where it would meet, I cringe and cry. I also had a previous scar in the same area on my stomach from having Gallstones when I was thirteen years old. They cut me from here to yonder to take out my gallbladder, but also to do exploratory surgery, because back then, in the 70's, no one could believe a thirteen year old could have a gallbladder full of rocks! Already, I had difficulty digesting my foods and dieting would always take my Irritable bowel into full swing! The surgery and scars have weakened my abdomen and I have adhesions. When I exercise, it pulls on the scars sometimes and causes pain, but I still try!
Several years ago I also had something called "Adhesive Capsulitis or Frozen Shoulder." During that time, I went through physical therapy to "unfreeze" my arm and help with my range of motion. I lost thirty pounds of muscle and for the first time in my life, I was weak physically, not strong and I felt very old. I could barely move and it took its toll, just like the back fracture I had even more recently.
I am sharing all of this because I feel it's an important part of my life and a part of me that I learned a lot from and grew stronger by surviving them. Oh, there's more, believe it or not, but I will share some of that another time. For now, I just keep trying to, "move my body" any way I can and rest when I need to. I have pulmonary issues including asthma and scars on my lungs from a "Pulmonary Embolism" that almost took my life fourteen years ago, so just one more thing that's trying to slow me down. I was told I need to use oxygen and a CPAP machine, but I don't all the time.
I do feel losing weight will help me so much to breathe better, move better, feel better and be the best me! I will not let anything keep me down and I am not ready to go anywhere just yet, so here I am! I am ready to be the best me, inside and out and help others in the process if I may.
Bless you and I pray you will have a wonderful journey here and we can do what we can to help each other. Let's keep smiling!