Friday, March 09, 2012
Hello dear Sparkfriends!
Let me start with a HUGE thank you for your amazing support throughout this roller-coaster of a week. I am feeling completely exhausted and wish I could just stay in bed this morning! But instead, I am writing this blog before I get ready for work, because I have some good news.
I have just lost 2 kilograms. Actually, I lost 5 pounds if I consider half kilos, etc. It may seem nothing when you have 35 kilos to lose! But I can’t even remember the last time I lost 5 pounds. For the last 4.5 years, I have been gaining weight – slower last year since joining SP, but still gaining, 35 kilos. I eat healthily, I exercise, but for over 4 years I have been struggling with binge-eating which ruins all my efforts.
So, what is happening? Well, 2 main things I believe.
First, I am not dieting anymore. This is what led me to binge-eating. I didn’t do only silly diets (protein shakes where you eat 600 to 800 calories a day with a few steamed vegetables on the side!), I also did very sensible diets followed by a nutritionist, etc. But at the end, my brain got the same message: ‘You are punished. You will starve.’ And after years of those (and success with maintaining a healthy weight thanks to them... of course diets do work or we wouldn't be doing them!), I started binge-eating. So now... STOP. I am eating everything I want, in sensible quantities.
Then (and it is just as important in my case, but I realize this is very personal), I have been seeing a therapist for just over a year. It has led me to take a couple of heart-breaking decisions which are actually setting me free. But let me speak specifically about my discussions about food with my therapist...
A few weeks ago, he asked me what I was eating when I had a binge. I answered there were too groups. Always the same packet of sweets/candies and always the same kind of savory things too with fresh bread from the boulangerie. I added that I hated them all (apart from fresh bread!) and never ate them without a binge. He asked: “Who eats those?” I looked at him and couldn’t believe it... It was back to my childhood. My mother always bought those candies when we went shopping on Wednesdays, and we would eat them in the car on the way back. My father always ate those savory things (I won’t bore you with details... French food!) throughout my childhood and teenager years. He stopped after that because of his cholesterol!
The main point is that I never eat those candies and very rarely eat those savory things outside a binge, because I don’t like their taste (these candies are way too sweet and feel disgusting, and these savory things are greasy, and my tolerance to greasy things is very low... I am actually VERY fussy with food!). But by eating them, I felt like somehow I was closer to my parents. Being accepted by them. Being like them even though it meant I ate things I didn’t like (I don’t know for you, but for me, when I have a binge, I don’t think, I don’t even really taste...). Did it change anything in my relationship with them? Of course not. But unconsciously, I thought it might...
I am sorry this is very personal. I hesitated before posting it here. But I thought that if there was any chance of it helping someone, it was worth it. I am not saying you’ll be finding answers in my blog, but maybe, if you suffer from binge-eating and can’t seem to succeed in your fight against it, it will show you that, with time, you can win. Understand and take control rather than be a victim of it.
Ever since that day when I discovered why I was eating what I was eating when binging, about 2 months ago, I haven’t binged. I am convinced I am on my way to freedom. This week has been extremely difficult emotionally, I have been overeating a bit, but no binge at all. Believe me, it feels wonderful! :)
Thank you very much for reading. Thank you for being the best Sparkfriends I could hope for! You have been just fantastic this week and that is also thanks to your support and kindness that I am feeling like I can succeed in all the areas of my life I am working on... THANK YOU.