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    CLAIREINPARIS   54,929
50,000-59,999 SparkPoints

Could I be getting free?

Friday, March 09, 2012

Hello dear Sparkfriends!

Let me start with a HUGE thank you for your amazing support throughout this roller-coaster of a week. I am feeling completely exhausted and wish I could just stay in bed this morning! But instead, I am writing this blog before I get ready for work, because I have some good news.

I have just lost 2 kilograms. Actually, I lost 5 pounds if I consider half kilos, etc. It may seem nothing when you have 35 kilos to lose! But I canít even remember the last time I lost 5 pounds. For the last 4.5 years, I have been gaining weight Ė slower last year since joining SP, but still gaining, 35 kilos. I eat healthily, I exercise, but for over 4 years I have been struggling with binge-eating which ruins all my efforts.

So, what is happening? Well, 2 main things I believe.

First, I am not dieting anymore. This is what led me to binge-eating. I didnít do only silly diets (protein shakes where you eat 600 to 800 calories a day with a few steamed vegetables on the side!), I also did very sensible diets followed by a nutritionist, etc. But at the end, my brain got the same message: ĎYou are punished. You will starve.í And after years of those (and success with maintaining a healthy weight thanks to them... of course diets do work or we wouldn't be doing them!), I started binge-eating. So now... STOP. I am eating everything I want, in sensible quantities.

Then (and it is just as important in my case, but I realize this is very personal), I have been seeing a therapist for just over a year. It has led me to take a couple of heart-breaking decisions which are actually setting me free. But let me speak specifically about my discussions about food with my therapist...

A few weeks ago, he asked me what I was eating when I had a binge. I answered there were too groups. Always the same packet of sweets/candies and always the same kind of savory things too with fresh bread from the boulangerie. I added that I hated them all (apart from fresh bread!) and never ate them without a binge. He asked: ďWho eats those?Ē I looked at him and couldnít believe it... It was back to my childhood. My mother always bought those candies when we went shopping on Wednesdays, and we would eat them in the car on the way back. My father always ate those savory things (I wonít bore you with details... French food!) throughout my childhood and teenager years. He stopped after that because of his cholesterol!

The main point is that I never eat those candies and very rarely eat those savory things outside a binge, because I donít like their taste (these candies are way too sweet and feel disgusting, and these savory things are greasy, and my tolerance to greasy things is very low... I am actually VERY fussy with food!). But by eating them, I felt like somehow I was closer to my parents. Being accepted by them. Being like them even though it meant I ate things I didnít like (I donít know for you, but for me, when I have a binge, I donít think, I donít even really taste...). Did it change anything in my relationship with them? Of course not. But unconsciously, I thought it might...

I am sorry this is very personal. I hesitated before posting it here. But I thought that if there was any chance of it helping someone, it was worth it. I am not saying youíll be finding answers in my blog, but maybe, if you suffer from binge-eating and canít seem to succeed in your fight against it, it will show you that, with time, you can win. Understand and take control rather than be a victim of it.

Ever since that day when I discovered why I was eating what I was eating when binging, about 2 months ago, I havenít binged. I am convinced I am on my way to freedom. This week has been extremely difficult emotionally, I have been overeating a bit, but no binge at all. Believe me, it feels wonderful! :)

Thank you very much for reading. Thank you for being the best Sparkfriends I could hope for! You have been just fantastic this week and that is also thanks to your support and kindness that I am feeling like I can succeed in all the areas of my life I am working on... THANK YOU.

Member Comments About This Blog Post:
MARITIMER3 9/2/2012 6:39PM

    Hi Claire - I just re-read your blog because as you know, I still binge occasionally. It's very interesting that you realize that you used to binge on things that take you back to your childhood, and that are strongly associated with your parents. My father died in 1991, and once a year I have a hot chicken sandwich when I'm at a family-style restaurant because that was what he always had when he went out (which was a rare treat because we were quite poor when I was growing up).

I don't have any food associations with my mother; I think the way I'm most like her (and remember that I'm adopted), is that I love to garden and don't particularly like housework.

I think your plan of eating whatever you want, in realistic amounts, is a very good one, and one which I will adopt as of today. If I know I can have one ice cream treat, there's no reason to have 2 or 3. If I can have a few potato chips, I don't have to hide a bag of them upstairs.

I probably read your blog when you posted it, Claire, but I think that I read it today with fresh eyes. Thank you.

Have a wonderful week,
Gail emoticon

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JENNA54 3/14/2012 1:45AM

    Thank you so much for sharing this Claire. How exciting to suddenly have this realisation of why we do what we do. I also want to commend you on your honesty and openness in your blog.I am glad that you feel able to share such personal thoughts and feelings with SP friends. It takes great courage and I really admire you for it. And I think it also helps us all, because we can start to look at how we have little habits and behaviours that all originate from somewhere! I strongly believe that the key to my losing weight is not so much what I put in my mouth, but the thoughts I have in my head and if I can just unlock the key as to why I eat the way I do, then maybe I too can find the freedom which you obviously have. It sounds like you have turned a real corner in your journey. I hope that the rest of the ride continues to go smoothly. Thank you Claire!

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FUTUREHOPE49 3/13/2012 1:24PM

    Congratulations on giving up the binge eating Claire! That must have been very difficult to do. I think you will now probably slowly start to lose weight again. Remember, slow is best! emoticon emoticon

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GOGOMAMA 3/12/2012 10:31PM

    Ah Claire!! Thanks for sharing a part of your soul with us!! It is very inspiring and helpful to put into words thoughts and ideas that could benefit us all!! I'm very happy you were able to find some answers to your inner battles and are better off for it!! Courage can help win the battle!! Thanks for being an awesome sparkfriend!!

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WILDASTER 3/12/2012 4:44PM

    Dearest Claire,
Thank you for sharing this with us, you are an inspiration! I'm so glad you are doing better and feel better about your food choices. Sometimes it seems like the food is in charge more than we are, but now you are in charge!

Congratulations on the huge loss! Was that in one week? Wow.

Hope this week brings another victory of the scale!

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CAROLPRESTIGE 3/10/2012 1:24PM

    I admire you for having the courage to admit to a personal failing--yet being intelligent enough to seek professional help, which has led to the root cause of your problem. Fantastic! And great that you have lost weight. (For future posts, can you express weight amounts in pounds rather than kilos, for us metrically-deprived Americans?)

And one thing I've been curious about: If you are French, how is it that you write such perfect English? Is French your native language? I love French, took several years of it in high school and college but never could become fluent because, I guess, I never spent enough time in French-speaking countries. My secret dream is to live in Paris or some lovely town in the French countryside. So I envy you!

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ALASKASKY 3/10/2012 7:23AM

    Congrats! Any weight loss is great. Thanks for sharing and you're right this blog was very helpful.

Great blog. There is nothing wrong with therapy. It helps you figure out issues from another view point. Believe it or not I enjoy having someone to unload my problems on who can't turn around and say "I told you so," or judge me.

Keep up the good work. I'm proud of you. Since I took that class with the personal trainer, I've realized that having someone professional in my life helps me stay accountable for my actions.

emoticon emoticon

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SHOOPETTE 3/10/2012 7:03AM

    This really brave to post something personal and wonderful because you can help so many people at the same time!
Congrats on the weight loss!

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BJPENNY70 3/9/2012 11:05PM


Congratulations on you weight loss. What a victory! Your blog brought tears to my eyes. I am glad you found out why you were behaving with binging. It is wonderful you have discovered this hidden pain. Now you can deal with it and move on to a brighter and better life. The fact you are reaching out to help others is wonderful. God bless you! I will be praying for you. emoticon

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SARAWALKS 3/9/2012 10:43PM

    Claire - thank YOU - what a fantastic insight for you to have found - and I am so happy for you. I think you're truly onto something about NOT dieting, just eating what you want in sensible quantities...I am much happier when I do that, especially in stressful times (yes, it's like that for me too right now).
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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COOKWITHME65 3/9/2012 10:26PM

    Such a wonderful blog Claire. You really have freed yourself. That must be a wonderful feeling. Thankyou for sharing. Congrats on on your weightloss. Hope things continue to get better for you.

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YIWEN39 3/9/2012 6:53PM

    Claire, that is WONDERFUL :-) You have come such a long way and now that you have digged this up, as you say, you are FREE, or at least well on your way! That's terrific, thanks for sharing :-) SOOOOOO happy for you, you deserve all the best :-) Take good care now!
emoticon emoticon

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EFFIEANNIE 3/9/2012 6:53PM

    Thank goodness you are understanding the reasons why,now you can change the behavior. You are already making progress.
Good for you and thanks for sharing something so personal.

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SALSIFY 3/9/2012 5:19PM

    Thanks for blogging about this wonderful breakthrough. It was only when I got a little bit of advice from an eating disorder counsellor that I even realised I binged, let alone why. I've been using cognitive behaviour therapy and it's been really effective. My Plan B is to get some professional counselling if I have real problems with the weight loss and especially maintenance. So far I've been using books, articles and the great support we all receive from Sparkpeople.

ps. thanks for commenting on my vanilla sweetener blog. I just put some on a natural petit filou and its getting better every day!

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INGMARIE 3/9/2012 4:50PM

    Thank you so much for sharing this,I should know all this but when it comes down to your own self, out the window all the wisdom goes.
"the sins of our fathers" goes further than that and i see now what i do to destroy myself,maybe your blog will be a reminder.

Thank you. emoticon
And Congratulations ,weight loss is ggreat. emoticon

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CRYSALLIS1 3/9/2012 3:39PM

    Thanks for sharing. I will keep these questions in mind for myself if I happen to have another binge. Hope things are going better for you in all areas of your life. emoticon

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MARITIMER3 3/9/2012 1:04PM

    Hi Claire - thank you for sharing your experiences about binging, and for explaining how your therapist helped you realize that the food you chose took you back to memories of your childhood and teen-age years.

Almost 10 years ago, I spent about 6 months visiting a psychiatrist each week, and it was the best thing I ever did for myself. I only wish I had done it years early. It's truly amazing how we can change our behaviour once we get some insight into why we are acting that way. I'm very glad that you have found someone you can talk to... we all need that!

It's wonderful that you have lost 5 lbs! Congratulations.

I hope that the weather in Paris is such that you can get out for a nice hike this week-end... nothing like getting outside to "blow out some of the cobwebs" and help you to think clearly. We are having snow and hail here today, and some of the highways north of Toronto have been closed briefly because of multi-car pile-ups due to reduced visibility. Next week, however, promises spring-like temperatures.

Take good care of yourself, and lots of hugs,

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NAN041 3/9/2012 12:01PM happy for you on all your insight, wt etc
Now you can see yourself how great you are doing...
always here for you, Nan

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    Claire, I think it is wonderful that gaining insight into your binges helped you to put an end to them! I'm sure it was difficult for you to share all of that with us, but your honesty is very refreshing. I'm sure there is a least one person (probably more) who needed to read what you wrote.
Also, emoticon on the kilos/pounds lost! Isn't it wonderful to know that keeping up your new behavior means that trend will continue?
Many emoticon to you, my friend, and many wishes for some therapeutic hiking this weekend!

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DOODIE59 3/9/2012 10:44AM

    It is so true that when binging, one doesn't taste the food. There is something else behind the behaviour. Your psychologist's question: "Who eats those" was both insightful and directional. Knowledge is power, and it is a lot easier to set yourself free when you know what your motivations, conscious and otherwise, are.

You are in very exciting times, despite the stress and drama of the workplace. Fingers crossed for you there, also:)

Take care

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VERONICAVW_140 3/9/2012 9:35AM

    emoticon I am so very happy for you. Finding the reason behind our binges is very freeing. Taking a look at the whole picture can really help us begin to see how we can change our behaviors. KUDOS, friend!

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MINIUM 3/9/2012 9:23AM

    Welcome to FreedomLand!!! Hoorray!!! I'm so happy for you! Especially this week, as it's been so tough on you. What great news!
I'm just like you - bingeing means gulfing down anything, not appreciating food. So glad you're over this!

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LISALGB 3/9/2012 9:13AM

    What a breakthrough!! I am so happy for you Claire!! It is never easy to face issues from our past - but you did it - and overcame!! Amazing!! Wonderful!!
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

And, congratulations on losing 5lbs!! I hope all these good things continue for you!! You deserve only the best!!

Sending lots of hugs,

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1BEACHWALKER 3/9/2012 8:31AM

    Claire, thank you for thinking of us and sharing your experiences with bingeing. I am so happy for you! Not only for the discoveries along your journey, but no bingeing for 2 months and 5 pounds gone! emoticon emoticon emoticon
You are an awesome friend and I know you have helped many with this blog (including me)! Happy to have met you and sharing this journey together! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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VICKI779 3/9/2012 6:44AM

    Claire, this was an awesome blog! First of all congratulation on lost kilograms! I am very thankful you wrote this personal experience with the binges, it can help to many people, they can think deeper about their own reasons for binging. It is very interesting how our experiences from the childhood can influence our later life, and our nutrition too! Thank you for sharing!

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MADAMES 3/9/2012 4:38AM

    Bravo, Claire! I am so happy for you and for your life changing discoveries! I agree with Sandra...take a look around this weekend at the signs of spring and think of all that is new and wonderful in your life. I rejoice with you in your newly found freedom.

emoticon . emoticon . emoticon


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RAINBOWCHOC 3/9/2012 4:12AM

    I'm really proud of you! I'm sure you will continue to unravel the mysteries of the binges and the weight gain. I'm sure too, the confidence you are growing will result in some leaps of faith while you are job hunting.
Enjoy the spring flowers this weekend, the trees are bursting the leaf buds and the blossom is beautiful.
hugs and love, Sandra

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HICKOK-HALEY 3/9/2012 3:49AM

    Good for you. Not only for the 5 pds, but the realization of what the problem is. Being free is a wonderful feeling, and you deserve to feel free. Your such a lovely person! emoticon
p.s. Bread is a problem with me at times too. At least now I mostly eat Wheat Bread.

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SLIMMERJESSE 3/9/2012 3:07AM

    How wonderful to be making great progress. Congrats! I also understand and have done my own heartbreaking decisions that have set me free. Best wishes for continued success.

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TRULYVISIBLE 3/9/2012 3:02AM

  Such great insight into the whys. That is half the battle if not more. I use to mindlessly binge myself when i did very low calorie diets. Congratulations on the 5 pounds. I believe your binges are behind you.

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LIZALOT 3/9/2012 2:44AM

    I totally agree with Striver - no bingeing is fantastic! And it will no doubt lead you back to your normal weight pretty quickly, since your eating habits otherwise are good.


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STRIVER57 3/9/2012 2:29AM

    no binges for 2 months! that's even more exciting than losing 2.5 k in my opinion, that is truly spectacular. if you've been doing that under all this stress ... go for the job Claire, because you're capable of anything!!! (((hugs))))

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TINAJANE76 3/9/2012 2:24AM

    Thanks for sharing these very personal things, Claire. I think binge eating is often connected to something emotional and discovering the root cause of it is an important step.

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CELLISTA1 3/9/2012 1:58AM

    I understand how hard it is for you to share these things. You are very brave. Isn't it amazing how a sudden flash of insight completely changes one's perspective? And congratulations on the 5-pound loss!

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BJPENNY70 3/9/2012 1:47AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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