Thursday, March 08, 2012
I binged. I'm not going to tell you what or how many calories because it really doesn't matter. I ate past the point of satiation when I wasn't really hungry to begin with, and it was enough of a "mistake" to affect my health. I also overate to the point of illness yesterday.
So what do I do? Do I exercise like mad, even though my stomach is upset and I have a sugar-headache? Do I restrict my calories tomorrow? Skip dinner tonight? Practice a fast? All these ideas instantly ran through my head. I started to look around for help.
A website said, "Make sure you eat after a binge." Counter-intuitive, I know. They mean, make sure you get right back on the healthy schedule. But something else clicked with me. I thought about how I shame myself and how I hurt myself, and how binge-eating, for me, is intended to hurt myself. I eat to the point of pain. I eat foods I don't even particularly like (such as ketchup) to overstimulate and numb my palate. I don't eat for joy or pleasure or satisfaction.
So why not treat myself to a gorgeous, healthy, pricey meal after a binge? Why not give myself a gift? Why not try the exact opposite of my previous reactions and be gentle this time?
Before I go to my book club tonight I am stopping by a vegan place that I've always wanted to visit. They are a little expensive ($$ on yelp!) but that will make the experience stick better. I deserve to be healthy. I deserve healthy, good, delicious food and I deserve to love eating it. I don't deserve half-cold, hastily consumed left-overs. I deserve food made with love, grown with love, and recognizable in its forms.