Thursday, March 08, 2012
Yesterday morning while I was getting the kids ready for school, I started crying. As I blogged before, my grandmother had a stroke on Friday, so crying has been pretty normal for the last week - but yesterday was different. It didn't have anything to do with my family or anyone else. I was angry and hurt, and the only one to blame was myself.
I spent 6 days allowing myself to wallow in misery, to eat ridiculous amounts of not-good-for-me-at-all foods, to not track, and no exercise except my 14 mile run on Sunday, which was the highlight of my vacation. By yesterday morning, I felt terrible physically, guilty, angry, and terrified because it was so easy. Way too easy. It was exactly how I used to feel before I started this whole journey - out of control, numb, frantic, and full with a persistent overlying feeling of sadness. I went back to my negative thinking, back to staying at home and making excuses to skip my workouts, and back to angry, boring, easily irritated mom - which is the part I hate the most. I put on a smile for my kids, but it was fake. I knew it, and i think they did, too.
Yesterday, it all piled up, and I stopped making breakfast and cried. I think I made my awesome husband upset because he kept telling me that he didn't regret going out (4 times in 2 days) and getting to spend time together like we used to - that didn't help at all. He kept asking what was wrong, and I couldn't explain it. I was just so disappointed in myself and so scared that I would go back. It seemed so much easier than trying to push through.
Luckily, having kids and responsibilities keeps me from going into full-on hermit mode, and I had to leave the house. When I brought my son to school his teacher was talking to me about my 14 mile run and how amazing it was, and I started to feel a little more like awesome Em again. I did 14 miles on Sunday, faster than I had thought I would, and without stopping to walk, but I barely even took the time to congratulate myself because of everything else going on. It is a big deal, and I needed to be reminded of that.
Then I had to go lift with my trainer. I was feeling really bad for skipping two workouts with her and for making excuses because I knew my "reasons" were just excuses - and I know she did, too. When I am in this funk, I make everything worse than it really is, and I don't know exactly what I was expecting from her, but it wasn't what I got. She didn't give me a hard time. She was a lot kinder to me than I had been. And, among other things, she said something interesting - that there must have been a reason for me to go through this and that it didn't matter what I'd done, it mattered what I did now.
It made me feel a lot better. Lifting did, too. There is nothing like struggling with heavy weights to make everything else in life seem easier. I got through my Zumba class, too. I admit I was a little low energy, but I explained my situation to my class, and they were understanding and supportive.
I'm a normally optimistic, positive person, but when I get down I still remain honest about my feelings. This time I have gotten some interesting reactions, and I find it fascinating to compare them to when I was fat. In times of stress or sadness people were kinder than now. I can't post anything about being down now without people asking why I'm being a "Debbie Downer". I can't post anything about struggling without comments on how I should be fine and happy because I've lost 94 pounds.
I get it. I know how frustrating optimistic, healthy, active people can be when you're not feeling good about yourself, but they're still people. I'm not perfect, nor do I ever expect to be. I will struggle and fail just like everyone else, and I'm always going to be honest about where I'm at. I spent too long pretending everything was okay.
But, I digress. Those people probably meant well, and I can't let others affect me. Yesterday was a better day. Two workouts, eating better, and being social again left me feeling more like myself, and I got my first full night's sleep in a week. I'm feeling a lot more like myself today and less scared of slipping back into the abyss. It was good for me to do it. I saw how easy it could be to go back, and I think I needed that reminder. I'm re-focused and ready to keep going.
Finally, thank you, Sparkfriends, for your constant support. This is the one place I feel comfortable admitting my failings without fear of judgement, and it keeps me motivated to see other people achieving even when I'm not. Have a great day!