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Crying Yesterday Morning

Thursday, March 08, 2012

Yesterday morning while I was getting the kids ready for school, I started crying. As I blogged before, my grandmother had a stroke on Friday, so crying has been pretty normal for the last week - but yesterday was different. It didn't have anything to do with my family or anyone else. I was angry and hurt, and the only one to blame was myself.

I spent 6 days allowing myself to wallow in misery, to eat ridiculous amounts of not-good-for-me-at-all foods, to not track, and no exercise except my 14 mile run on Sunday, which was the highlight of my vacation. By yesterday morning, I felt terrible physically, guilty, angry, and terrified because it was so easy. Way too easy. It was exactly how I used to feel before I started this whole journey - out of control, numb, frantic, and full with a persistent overlying feeling of sadness. I went back to my negative thinking, back to staying at home and making excuses to skip my workouts, and back to angry, boring, easily irritated mom - which is the part I hate the most. I put on a smile for my kids, but it was fake. I knew it, and i think they did, too.

Yesterday, it all piled up, and I stopped making breakfast and cried. I think I made my awesome husband upset because he kept telling me that he didn't regret going out (4 times in 2 days) and getting to spend time together like we used to - that didn't help at all. He kept asking what was wrong, and I couldn't explain it. I was just so disappointed in myself and so scared that I would go back. It seemed so much easier than trying to push through.

Luckily, having kids and responsibilities keeps me from going into full-on hermit mode, and I had to leave the house. When I brought my son to school his teacher was talking to me about my 14 mile run and how amazing it was, and I started to feel a little more like awesome Em again. I did 14 miles on Sunday, faster than I had thought I would, and without stopping to walk, but I barely even took the time to congratulate myself because of everything else going on. It is a big deal, and I needed to be reminded of that.

Then I had to go lift with my trainer. I was feeling really bad for skipping two workouts with her and for making excuses because I knew my "reasons" were just excuses - and I know she did, too. When I am in this funk, I make everything worse than it really is, and I don't know exactly what I was expecting from her, but it wasn't what I got. She didn't give me a hard time. She was a lot kinder to me than I had been. And, among other things, she said something interesting - that there must have been a reason for me to go through this and that it didn't matter what I'd done, it mattered what I did now.

It made me feel a lot better. Lifting did, too. There is nothing like struggling with heavy weights to make everything else in life seem easier. I got through my Zumba class, too. I admit I was a little low energy, but I explained my situation to my class, and they were understanding and supportive.

I'm a normally optimistic, positive person, but when I get down I still remain honest about my feelings. This time I have gotten some interesting reactions, and I find it fascinating to compare them to when I was fat. In times of stress or sadness people were kinder than now. I can't post anything about being down now without people asking why I'm being a "Debbie Downer". I can't post anything about struggling without comments on how I should be fine and happy because I've lost 94 pounds.

I get it. I know how frustrating optimistic, healthy, active people can be when you're not feeling good about yourself, but they're still people. I'm not perfect, nor do I ever expect to be. I will struggle and fail just like everyone else, and I'm always going to be honest about where I'm at. I spent too long pretending everything was okay.

But, I digress. Those people probably meant well, and I can't let others affect me. Yesterday was a better day. Two workouts, eating better, and being social again left me feeling more like myself, and I got my first full night's sleep in a week. I'm feeling a lot more like myself today and less scared of slipping back into the abyss. It was good for me to do it. I saw how easy it could be to go back, and I think I needed that reminder. I'm re-focused and ready to keep going.

Finally, thank you, Sparkfriends, for your constant support. This is the one place I feel comfortable admitting my failings without fear of judgement, and it keeps me motivated to see other people achieving even when I'm not. Have a great day!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • CRICKET_93
    sorry about your grandmother. it's gret that you were able to channel all of the negative energy into something that is healthy for you and your family.
    2206 days ago
    I'm sorry to hear about your grandma. It is so hard not to fall back into old ways especially when overwhelmed by emotions or stress. I'm glad your back on track. emoticon
    2207 days ago
    "It's okay to cry. Crying is cathartic. It purges your spirit of heartache and pain.

    The act of crying is like washing a dirty cup. The water washes away the contaminates that are on the cup. A dirty cup has one purpose, and that's to be cleaned.

    A wounded soul has only one purpose, and that is to be restored.

    No one can tell you how long is an appropriate time to cry. Just like no one can say, "This is how long you must wash a cup, no more and no less." Time-lines don't work because some cups need to be washed longer than others because they are dirtier than others.

    The same is true for our souls. Some people have more pain than others and need to cry longer to be healed. Breaking up with a boyfriend causes pain, but it is not the same as losing a pet. Both are eclipsed by the death of a spouse or a child.

    How do we know it's time to move on with our lives and stop crying? The answer is when your cup is clean."

    Do whatever you need to do to grieve...but REMEMBER she would want you to BE HEALTHY & HAPPY so keep sparking too.
    2207 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon

    I could never expect someone to be a Pollyanna all of the time. Everyone has issues, some are better at hiding it than others, but at the end of the day no one truly knows the struggles anyone else goes through. We all have our down days and just because what causes someone else to be down might be nothing to another person does not in any way diminish or trivialize what someone is feeling. Vent here all you need to.
    2207 days ago
    2207 days ago

    I am sorry to hear this (I have been away for a while and missed this info.). All I can say is hang in there. It is great that you are getting your emotions out there and working through them. I wish you the best and will keep you and your family in my thoughts. I hope things get easier!
    2207 days ago
    I'm so sorry about your grandma. Lots of hugs. You work out ALL THE TIME, a few days off isn't going to kill you, in fact, it might be a good thing. I'm always here for you!!! More hugs.
    2207 days ago
  • MRE1956
    Sorry to read about your grandmother's situation ....... please be gentle to yourself and make sure you get some "you" time......I assure you this'll help!

    2207 days ago
    sorry about your Grandmother that is hard but I am glad that you saw what was wrong and that you are on the right track to get it together congrats on the run that is great
    have a great day today and a good weekend
    2207 days ago
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