Wednesday, March 07, 2012
I've been in a weight loss competition for about two months now - which I pay for weekly to be a part of, which goes toward prize money - and I could not care less.
I don't know what's going on. I just can't find motivation or will to do anything. But it's terrifying; because I want to be healthy before I have children with my fiance, and he wants to start trying right after we are married. If I were to get pregnant now, it would put me over 300 pounds easily - and I just don't know what that would do to my self-esteem.
How is it that I can CONSTANTLY remind myself about wanting to have a family and wanting to feel confident? I have health problems that losing weight would help with, I have emotional problems that it would also help with, I feel gross all of the time inside and out - and yet, it isn't enough?
I feel like there are two of me - one that desperately wants these things, but the other one that shuts me up because I don't want to work for it.
I've told people a million times over my life that I was starting a diet, or changing my diet, or trying, or that I was motivated, and it's happened so many times (thousands upon thousands) that I am just worried that I don't have it in me anymore. I feel like everyone is thinking "yeah, right" whenever I say that I am going to start dieting again. Because, after some point, it would just be ridiculous for them to have faith in me when I don't have faith in myself.
I want to make everyone proud. I want to make myself proud.
What is it gonna take? A tug-of-war every day between my lack of confidence and my desire for chocolate or something? I mean, just the thought of it sounds ridiculous. I am SO completely out of control that I willingly let food destroy my life? How weak am I? It's like someone with lung cancer who keeps smoking.
Please, any advice through personal experience, or links to board posts that might be helpful or ANYTHING would be very much appreciated. Tips, tricks, reminders, ways to think, books to check out, I don't care. I need to chew my leg out of this bear trap (probably a bad cliche to use considering it involves chewing and I need to learn to do a little less chewing, but you get the idea).