Why? (PLEASE lend advice)

Wednesday, March 07, 2012

I've been in a weight loss competition for about two months now - which I pay for weekly to be a part of, which goes toward prize money - and I could not care less.

I don't know what's going on. I just can't find motivation or will to do anything. But it's terrifying; because I want to be healthy before I have children with my fiance, and he wants to start trying right after we are married. If I were to get pregnant now, it would put me over 300 pounds easily - and I just don't know what that would do to my self-esteem.

How is it that I can CONSTANTLY remind myself about wanting to have a family and wanting to feel confident? I have health problems that losing weight would help with, I have emotional problems that it would also help with, I feel gross all of the time inside and out - and yet, it isn't enough?

I feel like there are two of me - one that desperately wants these things, but the other one that shuts me up because I don't want to work for it.

I've told people a million times over my life that I was starting a diet, or changing my diet, or trying, or that I was motivated, and it's happened so many times (thousands upon thousands) that I am just worried that I don't have it in me anymore. I feel like everyone is thinking "yeah, right" whenever I say that I am going to start dieting again. Because, after some point, it would just be ridiculous for them to have faith in me when I don't have faith in myself.

I want to make everyone proud. I want to make myself proud.

What is it gonna take? A tug-of-war every day between my lack of confidence and my desire for chocolate or something? I mean, just the thought of it sounds ridiculous. I am SO completely out of control that I willingly let food destroy my life? How weak am I? It's like someone with lung cancer who keeps smoking.

Please, any advice through personal experience, or links to board posts that might be helpful or ANYTHING would be very much appreciated. Tips, tricks, reminders, ways to think, books to check out, I don't care. I need to chew my leg out of this bear trap (probably a bad cliche to use considering it involves chewing and I need to learn to do a little less chewing, but you get the idea).
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Part of the problem could actually be the lack of confidence, the low mood, and the stress. Incorporate things into your lifestyle that are both fun AND healthy, or pick goals that are not related to weight and health, goals that would be fun, like "I always wanted to try [whatever it is]".

    I got a personal trainer, to help keep me accountable, AND because there's something fun about having that social interaction while you exercise. Also, in group classes and with trainers, there's common goals, shared interests, and more of that support (and the feeling that these people enjoy it when you succeed).

    I also established a baseline for my healthy lifestyle. Small changes that I would ALWAYS have in my life regardless of what else I was "cheating" or falling back on. As I kept going and my regular lifestyle got more active and healthy, I added to my baseline habits. When I started, it was things like "no soda, whole grain instead of white/processed". Then later I started adding things like "at least half an hour of cardio". Now, when I'm typically training for 1-3 hours a day and normally eating healthy, my baseline when I'm feeling lazy or tired still includes at least a light workout every day.

    It won't happen all at once, but keep up those small goals, the easy lifestyle changes, and you'll have something to fall back on when you're feeling less than 100%.
    2203 days ago
    Change on small habit. Write down your goals/feelings, as suggested by Josie! Good luck!
    2203 days ago
    I know exactly how you feel! Except mine is with smoking. I got asthma and said I was going to quit, but didn't try that hard. Then I got emphysema about 5 years ago and really tried to quit. Just like you I would get motivated and tell everyone, and then smoke a few hours later. Now I have lung cancer, and at least 4 times a week, I say I am going to quit today, I tell everyone, make big plans on how I will do it, go all day without a cigarette, and in the morning, I light up! If you figure out how to get motivated and stay motivated-please let me know! It's embarrassing to keep saying, "this time I'm going to do it" over and over again, I have just given up on even trying anymore!
    2203 days ago
  • LEASIM1231
    I think it will be a tug-of-war. My advice is start with a small change in some area in your life and hope for a snowball affect. Set a few goals (drinking water, sleeping more, etc) and work on those and it will inspire you for more!
    2207 days ago
  • WINDEE52
    My advice is the same as some others, go slow and make small changes. Don't think about where you want to be 6 months from now, think about the good choices you'll make today. CherryTomato is right, getting started is the hardest part.

    Don't think of yourself as being on a diet, diets are fads. You want to make healthy choices. Also, do you know anyone who would be a workout buddy? Someone who motivates you? My best friend and I have a very competitive nature in the gym.

    I wish you the best of luck, you can do it!
    2207 days ago
    If you know the "why" you can withstand any "how" (Jillian Michaels and probably not quoted exactly).

    If you have a good reason why you want to do something, anything, you will do whatever it takes to reach that goal. You need to figure out why you want to lose weight. The why's you've listed in your blog must not be what you really, really want...at least, not more than you want that chocolate.

    Answer your why and the rest will come to you. emoticon
    2207 days ago
    You have some great advice, all I will add is what I tell myself every single day

    "The pain of discipline is far less than the pain of regret. You can be sore tomorrow or you can be sorry tomorrow"
    2208 days ago
    Trying is not DOING IT. You really do need to start with baby steps. You cannot have your eye on the fact that you COULD weigh 300....if you get pregnant. I don't think you want that as a goal. That is going in the wrong direction. Take a few minutes each day and focus on how beautiful you are and how young you are and how you want so much more for yourself.
    I am sure that if you keep a positive note.... you will soon be on your way to a healthy you.
    Think YOU..... DO IT
    2208 days ago
    I agree with most people's comments above.

    You just need to do it. It starts out so hard... changing habits and feelings and emotions are really tough...

    Every day when you do something positive (track your food, walk at lunch, avoid late night snacking, avoid pop, whatever thing you chose to focus on)... celebrate it! Don't beat yourself up... Celebrate your success! When you acheive one thing, then move to the next. Slowly, surely, you will change your habits, your mood will improve... and you will LOOK forward to the things you do to take care of yourself! Rest, nutritious food, activity, things that make you happy... feeling good. It becomes contaigious, a snowball effect... and you feel better, you want to do more.

    The initial hump is the hardest part. Try to commit to short goals, and re-evaluate as you go along.

    You WILL do this!!

    Oh, and come up with a motto/mantra, whatever you want to call it. I repeat it to myself whenever I feel doubts, start to flounder, wonder aboutmy choices, whatever... it helps!
    2208 days ago
  • JOIE501
    I agree, start small. Makes small changes and eventually you will look/feel wonderful and want to keep those "changes" up. Don't worry it will happen when you are ready.

    2208 days ago
    Don't try and do it all at once, it can be very frusturating. Start by tracking your meals and calorie intake with SP tools. Do this for a few weeks and see how many calories you are taking in. Once you become aware of the foods that are eating and ways to change them and still be full, you will start to feel better and healthier.

    I absolutely hate to excercise and when I came to Spark People (I am new), I dreaded that part. I didn't mind so much tracking my meals, so I did this for a little while, changing them around, creating healthier, low calorie meals. I lost 2 pounds just from eating healthier!

    Then, my mind said, "Hey, if you excercise and burn a few a day, 150 or 250, then that would be an extra pound of weight loss."

    So, following the schedule of eating will naturally set your tone for everything else. I have PCOS as well and have struggled with it since the age of 17. I lost weight and then got pregnant but then it was much harder to lose the baby fat. I am now 34 and trying to gain control.

    You can do it. Start out slow and you will be motivated in no time!

    2208 days ago
    :( I've been there. My advice is this:

    1. Buy a notebook and track everything you eat.
    2. In the same notebook or even here blog about your feelings, it helps trust me.
    3. Commit to doing 10 minutes of exercise everday or 5 times a week. I do this and I usually always go over 10 minutes. It's a nice motivator.
    4. Just do it, really just do it. It's hard I know, but you have to push yourself. It's not easy, but the things that are worth fighting for never easy.
    5. Reach out for help here, with friends, family, fiance, whatever helps.
    6. If you binge/skip workouts etc, don't sweat it. Learn from it, think about why you did it and try to correct it so next time if your heading down that path you won't do it and get back on the horse.

    I'm not at my goal yet, but I did all of those things above and it has helped me tremendously. I have suffered from binging and I have a few medical issues as well so again I can totally relate.

    Don't forget you can do this! It will take time, and there will be difficult times, but you have to fight :)
    2208 days ago
  • REEKU731
    Okay so there's a few things that might help you out here. First of all - it seems like your outlook has an "end point"...what I mean is this, you choose to diet or go into competitions with the idea that eventually they will end in a few months. Perhaps change the mentality that this is for the rest of your life (and not just a few months) and that will help.

    Remind yourself of the long term reasons why you need to change your life - you want to feel better inside and out, you want to have kids and be an inspiration to make them healthy throughout their lives, etc. You know all the reasons why you need to do this - but you're still not associating it directly with yourself. You know the rules & what you need to do, but you need to start applying those reasons to your life to help hold yourself accountable.

    It isn't an easy journey (if it was, everyone would be walking around with 6 pack abs) - take it day by day. But if you start looking at the bigger picture it might help you stick with it a little more. If you want a book to read - read "Unlimited" by Jillian Michaels...it addresses more of the emotional side of weight loss instead of the physical and might be a help for you.

    You need to realize that you ARE worth all the hard work. You DO deserve everything amazing this world has to offer. You need to let yourself STOP selling yourself short

    2208 days ago
    I can understand your issues. I see from your SparkPage that you belong to the PCOS Team. This obviously makes it more difficult to lose weight. Have you been checked for Hypothyroidism and Diabetes too? If not, please ask your Dr to check you for these. Do you have therapy at all? If not then I suggest making an appointment with your family Dr and ask for a referral to one. Often there is an emotional component to putting that block to our weight-loss goals. I note that you refer to "Diets" - well that is one negative I would replace with "Healthy Lifestyle" - it is amazing what a difference it can make to your general outlook. It just might be enough to genuinely enthuse you and encourage you along the way. While you are with your Dr, ask for a referral to a Dietitian. She will take into account your health issues and 'prescribe' accordingly. I strongly suggest if you aren't already. start to use the Nutrition Tracker and when you go to the Dietitian appointment. take a few random printouts from the Nutrition Tracker for her to see exactly what and how much you eat. That really saves heaps of time and helps them immensely.

    Good luck, and remember - you CAN do this, but you really have to WANT to do it!!

    Kris xx
    2208 days ago
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