It has been awhile since I have been active consistently on sparkpeople. Not because I don't desire being healthy but because I allowed my fear of failure to kick in and take control like I have done so many times in my life.
Today I am taking my life back. There is no reason for addiction to food or cigarettes or Dr. Pepper to control who I am as a person.
My life is much better now than it was 6 months ago. I know live in the country. I have the life I always dreamed of yet I was holding onto those old crutches that I thought were calming me. They were excuses. Excuses that I used to make myself "believe" that I couldn't live without the over indulgence in them. I felt like I "couldn't" walk away from the addictions because I wasn't strong enough. I "needed" them as a friend to be there for me because I didn't want to trust the wonderful people in my life to be enough for me. I didn't trust the God given emotions that come with going through things in life so I turned to things that were of man made power to get me through stuff instead of turning to God and to friends.
My life has changed so much in the last 6 months or so.
I am now a stay at home mother. I live in the country (by in the country I mean 17 miles from the nearest grocery store, 11 miles from the nearest convenience store, and our post office is open from only 9-4 weekdays, and 10am-11am on Saturday. The doors do not stay unlocked because....well they just don't it is the country.
I live in a town with about 294 people. The are few people my age here. Most of the people are older couples whose children have long sense moved on from this small town.
The area is beautiful. There are trees everywhere and everyone knows everyone. I will get to have a huge garden this year. I have even started buying chickens to produce eggs so that I can control what goes into the chicken eggs.
My kids are in school during the day and so I am home alone to clean house, feed the chickens, read, work on crafts, walk, enjoy my animals and all the things I longed for over the last 39 years.
Other than my boyfriends drama filled ex-wife there is rarely any drama in my life. It is serene and peaceful and I have learned that the crutches I leaned on before have become horrible additions to my life now.
I have found a new passion, my chickens, and am learning, through a process of how to live this life. When a person is use to living in a big city with a Walmart 2 miles away and all the drama and noise it is hard to learn to live simply.
However, I am doing this with an open heart and am happy that I took the chance and moved away from family and friends. By moving away I have had to force myself to look at myself, who I am, what I have become...both the good and the bad, I have learned to budget money since living here is so far away from the normal everyday things gas can get expensive and time can be wasted if you forget to buy something while your in town, get home, and remember it.
Morgan, my boyfriend is a hunter and fisherman. I have learned to actually enjoy the taste of deer meat...and have come to learn that it is very lean and actually pretty good for me.
Eating here is also much cheaper. The deer meat cost us nothing other than the price to cook it via the stove or oven. I have fresh eggs that cost me nothing. I have a garden with fresh vegetables and spices that cost me nothing to eat. The chickens provide plenty of fertilizer for the garden so I am not out that cost either. I am feeding a family of 4 on less than $150 a month...and everything I buy has been healthy food. We don't buy boxed corn dogs, lean cuisine meals, etc. We buy flour, milk, the things it takes to cook with. We RARELY go out to eat. Where I lived before I went out to eat at least one meal a day.
Had I tried to live a frugal life where I lived before I would have had enough money to have been a stay at home mom, have a good chunk in savings, and would have had a lot less waste.
I don't want for anything where I am now. I think it is because it is so serene and peaceful. I don't miss running to Walmart 3 times a day, the sonic dr. peppers, the taco bueno lunches. I just don't miss it at all....and I truly thought when I moved here that I would be the most miserable person on the face of the earth. How weird that I didn't know what was good for me....God did though..and I am glad I followed his direction.
I am going to add some photo's to this entry of my chickens...I know not everyone will want to see them but the joy of my blog is that it is about me...and what I enjoy doesn't have to be what someone else does. I am thankful that I have learned that lesson.
I am about to smoke my very last cigarette. I will be done smoking for the rest of my life. I am about to change my life forever. I am about to be $300 richer every month with just the cost of the cigarettes. I am about to be more healthy...and that is priceless....I am about to be who I am without the excuses and crutches in my life....